Today is as fitting a day as any to make the following announcement:
I will no longer be covering World Wrestling Entertainment's product as of April 4th, 2011. From then on, this little blog will focus solely on independent wrestling. I will likely hone in on a select few promotions, since I am not exactly rolling in the cash necessary to purchase shows from every indy promotion I want to. I may acquire some shows through other ways just to discuss them. But the important thing to take away from this is that I am done with WWE. I'd been toying with the idea of no longer watching the product for months, as I've seen such a decline in quality programming over the past year. But one single event pushed me over the line and gave me the strength to say, "I'm done with this shit." That is the inclusion of the putrid trollop known as Snooki as the guest host of Monday Night Raw tonight. Part of me wonders if this is only a rip-off of TNA bringing in another waste of oxygen from the embarrassing television program Jersey Shore. It's television like that that makes me understand why so many other people in other countries hate the United States. The fact that the people on that show are paid as much as they are sickens me. That we would promote such behavior by giving people money to do so on camera...I can't even think of a way to describe how angry that makes me.
But there's a silver lining to all of this. For nearly two years, I've had this blog. And for nearly that whole time, all I ever did was complain about the WWE product, all while basically ignoring independent wrestling. Frankly, I'm tired of being so negative. I know that negativity usually garners more publicity than positivity (see: Charlie Sheen), but I think it's time to inject some good thoughts into the internet wrestling community. So, as stated, this blog will become indy-exclusive as soon as Wrestlemania has concluded. I figure it's fitting that since I started this blog just after Wrestlemania 25, I should end my affiliation with WWE just after Wrestlemania.
Now, for those of you wondering which promotions I'll be following, I can say one thing: CHIKARA will definitely be at the top of the list. As to which other promotions I'll be covering, that remains to be seen. I have a good feeling I'll be covering Ring of Honor, since it's considered by many to be the best indy promotion in the world. There's a good chance I'll also be covering Dragon Gate USA and EVOLVE, since both share wrestlers with both ROH and CHIKARA. And I've been hearing good things about Pro Wrestling Guerrilla and NWA Hollywood. Well, I'll watch NWA Hollywood because Colt Cabana is the NEW NWA World Champion. Also, I'll be trying to watch a lot more Japanese puroresu, so I'll be looking for NJPW, Pro Wrestling NOAH, and Dragon Gate, among others. And maybe I'll try to cover some Mexican wrestling as well, though I'm not as sure how to find that. But if I can find some AAA or CMLL, you can bet that I'll talk about it here. So that's ten promotions right off the bat. That should provide me with plenty of material to talk about.
Also, I've been thinking about starting up a podcast wherein I discuss topics I don't cover here. Thanks to the Pro Wrestling Rewind returning to the airwaves a few weeks ago, I've never been more intrigued at the possibility of creating my own little podcast dedicated to the discussion of independent wrestling. So I think that once I get some good material, you may be hearing my voice on the airwaves.
Unfortunately, the one subject I doubt I'll be able to cover will be live events. Sadly, there is only one small promotion in the city I live, and it's nowhere near any of the promotions already mentioned. So that much will likely not be happening unless I work up the gumption to move somewhere with a more defined wrestling scene. Somewhere like Philadelphia or Souther California. But until that happens, you'll have to make do with DVD reviews and the like.
So there you have it. My announcement has been made. In fact, to make good on this (and to prepare me for not having anything to be home to watch on Monday and Friday nights), I will not be watching Raw or Smackdown in the weeks leading up to Wrestlemania 27. I just cannot watch the show anymore. Technically, I'm boycotting Raw tonight, but I figure that cutting myself off from the product entirely will help keep me away from it in the weeks following Wrestlemania.
I hope that those of you who read this will still read it after I transition to an indy promotion-exclusive blog. I encourage everyone to seek out more independent shows, as they are almost always of a much higher quality (in terms of in-ring action and characters) than the big promotions out there. I'll likely be back soon with reviews of the first three CHIKARA shows of 2011, as well as a look forward to King of Trios 2011, which is shaping up to be one hell of a great show. So stay tuned for the rerebirth of Rantables, because it's coming in three weeks. I'll catch you all on the flip side!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Episode 12 - CHIKARA Weekend Spectacular Picks!
Having just now finished watching last month's CHIKARA shows, I feel it is necessary to crank out picks for this month's shows immediately, as today's show will be starting in...about two hours. Living on the west coast, I will not be attending, but I will certainly be looking forward to purchasing these DVDs when they're released...hopefully sooner than February's shows were. Let's get started with today's (Saturday) show...
OPERATION BIG FREEZE
Madison Eagles vs. Toshie Uematsu
I'm glad to see more women competing in CHIKARA other than Sara Del Rey and Daizee Haze. It isn't that I don't like Sara or Daizee, it's just better to have some variety. Madison Eagles had a very good match against Sara in Easton at Clutch of Doom (which I literally just finished watching about twenty minutes ago), much better in this man's humble opinion than her match against Daizee Haze in January. And now it appears that Madison will be a semi-regular competitor in CHIKARA. As the current SHIMMER champion, Eagles has to be considered a favorite. I know nothing about Toshie Uematsu, except that she's Japanese. But I'm a fan of Japanese wrestling. I constantly remind myself that I need to watch more of it. And after watching Manami Toyota's matches for CHIKARA in September of last year, I have high hopes for any Japanese woman coming to American soil. Madison lost her first match in CHIKARA (well, her first since 2008) before winning last month, so I'm wondering if something similar will happen to Uematsu. For this match, I'll pick Madison Eagles to win, though it's not a strong pick to be honest.
Da Soul Touchaz (Marshe Rocket and Acid Jaz) vs. The BDK (Lince Dorado and Pinkie Sanchez)
After taking February away from CHIKARA, Da Soul Touchaz are back in action against their bitter rivals. Today, they take on two of the more annoying (but talented) members of the Bruderschaft in Lince Dorado and Pinkie Sanchez. These teams have been embroiled in a feud for months, and it shows no signs of cooling off. Since the BDK took out DST's managers last year, DST has been on a mission to destroy the Swiss Army. Tonight, they get a chance at redemption against The Perfect Ten and whatever the hell Pinkie's nickname is. I like this matchup a lot. Marshe and Acid will match styles very well with Lince and Pinkie. This should be a high-flying affair with lots of crowd reaction. The BDK won in January (albeit by disqualification), and I'd imagine they're hungry for another victory. But I think Da Soul Touchaz will win, since they've simply got more emotion behind them. Expect a knock-down drag-out fight here.
3.0 and The Throwbacks vs. The UnStable and The Roughnecks
Last month, 3.0 took what had initially seemed like a throwaway match with The UnStable and turned it into a serious feud overnight. 3.0, in their universally hilarious glory, joked about Vin Gerard and STIGMA being boring, and at one point, Shane Matthews pulled a pillow out from under the ring and fell asleep on the ring apron. The feud continued the following night, as 3.0 again ruined The UnStable's chances at winning a match, only to have The UnStable return the favor later in the night. Now neither of these teams have any points and are looking for payback. The feud between The Throwbacks and The Roughnecks has been escalating for months, and continues to boil over with fury from both sides. I don't know if that last sentence made any sense, but I don't care. These two feuds will intertwine during this eight-man tag team match. At this point in the four teams' respective feuds, trying to pick this match is difficult. I would call the odds of winning even for both sides. Sure, one side has Brodie Lee, but we've seen in the past that he isn't invincible. I would flip a coin to choose the winner, but I don't have one nearby. So I'll just mentally flip one...
...
The coin came up heads. So I'll pick 3.0 and The Throwbacks to win.
Fire Ant vs. Icarus
Icarus is coming off two singles victories in February, though one was under dubious circumstances. He defeated Gregory Iron in a pretty awesome match, and then took out Ophidian the next night (through said dubious circumstances (AKA Derek Sabato)). Since the rest of F.I.S.T. is nowhere to be seen, Icarus will apparently again be going it alone this month. Fire Ant is coming off a huge victory with Soldier Ant against Claudio Castagnoli and Tursas at Clutch of Doom, and CHIKARA's Hottest Property is looking to keep The Colony's momentum going towards King of Trios. Fire Ant had the spot of the night at Clutch of Doom, where he leapt off an on-all-fours Tursas, caught Claudio with a headscissors, and as he (Fire Ant) was falling to the ground, he grabbed Tursas by the neck and slammed the big man's head into the mat with a ferocious DDT. It was a thing of beauty, definitely worthy of a Throwdown Lowdown highlight video (which, by the way, if you haven't seen, go to Youtube and type in Throwdown Lowdown for some killer highlights from past CHIKARA shows). Both of these men have something to prove in singles action, as well as building momentum for their respective trios for the upcoming King of Trios. But who wins? Icarus is on a roll, while Fire Ant hasn't had a singles match in a while. I'm giving this match (as much as it pains me to do so) to Icarus. Of course, if Derek Sabato is the referee, Icarus will pretty much be guaranteed the victory. But I won't know about that until the DVDs are released.
The Osirian Portal vs. Kizarny and The Batiri
Aside from Ophidian's loss to Icarus last month, The Osirian Portal has been on a major roll since adding Jonathan Gres...I mean Hieracon to their ranks. This young up-and-comer has given new life to a team that was already gaining huge amounts of viral notoriety. The Portal pulled the hypnosis out again at Caught in a Cauldron of Hate, hypnotizing the best referee in the world, Bryce Remsburg, and that was a grand old time, it was. The Batiri, though they lost in their bid for the Campeonatos de Parejas, got right back on track the next night with a victory over UltraMantis Black, Hallowicked, and Frightmare in what I would consider an upset. Thankfully, Kodama appears to have improved since January's outing, where he clearly injured himself botching a move with Hallowicked. Obariyon continues to impress, and with their leader back at the helm, they will be a formidable force indeed. But the Portal is so over right now it's crazy. The shot of energy Hieracon has given them may very well propel them to the top of the tag team world sooner rather than later. Can you say King of Trios? They'd be my early pick to win it all. But then again, the whole roster of teams has yet to be finalized, so I'm not going to make an official decision until then. I wouldn't be surprised if some foul play is involved in this match, especially if Derek Sabato draws this match. We say in January how he seemed to almost be in league with The Batiri, hinting at a possible alliance with the BDK. Whether or not this is true remains to be seen, but I would expect that if he is the ref for this match, we'll be seeing Kizarny's hand raised in victory. Still, at this point, it's too tough to pick against The Osirian Portal, and until they lose a big match, I'm going to keep picking them to win. So The Osirian Portal wins this match, but it won't be an easy victory for them.
Willie Richardson vs. Tursas
The two biggest men on the CHIKARA roster go head-to-head in what I'm betting will be the match that has the best chance of breaking the ring. If anyone has the gumption to be the second man to take Tursas off his feet, it's The Urban American Dream. Richardson is one of those talented big men who can do stuff a guy his size shouldn't be able to do. And since I've never seen him in a singles match, this should prove to be very interesting. On the other hand, I don't believe I've ever seen Tursas work a singles match that lasts more than about six minutes, so if something DOES happen, it'll happen quickly. I can't see this match going the whole way without outside interference, and as much as I'd love to see Willie Richardson pick up the victory, I just don't think it's in the cards tonight. Tursas wins.
Mike Quackenbush and Incoherence (Hallowicked and Frightmare) vs. The BDK (Claudio Castagnoli, Sara Del Rey, and Tim Donst)
Donst now holds the dubious record of being involved in the shortest match in CHIKARA history, being pinned by Max Boyer in four seconds in Reading, PA last month. Sure, Hallowicked pretty well cost Donst the match, but hey, a record is a record. Now, I'm sure, Donst is looking for retribution. Donst gained some measure of revenge after beating Jigsaw (with copious help from Derek Sabato), and for that, I'm sure Mike Quackenbush is looking to tame Donst's hide. And I'm sure each team just wants to tear the other a new bung-hole. The CHIKARA/BDK feud is still burning strong more than a year after they first arrived on the scene. See, Vince? THIS is how you book a feud. Not this whole "two months and you're done" approach. Anyway, back to the matter at hand. This match will not resolve a damn thing between the two factions, since the next day, even more conflict will arise. But it should be damned entertaining, that's for sure. I think The BDK is going to win this match, though honestly it's even money as to who will actually win.
And now, for Sunday's show...
CREATURES FROM THE TAR SWAMP
Green Ant vs. Jakob Hammermeier
Apparently this was just added recently. One of the feuds that's been brooding in the background over the past year is between the two ring announcers, Jakob Hammermeier and Gavin Loudspeaker. While I would normally not condone a match between the two, as wrestling should be left to the wrestlers, this one would probably work since it hasn't been crammed down our throats for months on end like certain other "announcers" who will remain nameless. And what better way to introduce Jakob to the ring than put him in a match with Green Ant, one of the better mat grapplers in the company. Green Ant had a great wrestling exhibition match with Mike Quackenbush last month, and I would imagine that he would teach Jakob a thing or two about what it means to be a wrestler. Unless Jakob's a quick learner, as he's apparently been training under Claudio for a couple of months. It should prove to be an interesting match. Probably not a five-star match, but interesting nonetheless. But I would bet that Jakob's got something up his white sleeve, and will probably manage to screw Green Ant out of the victory. Yes, I'm picking Jakob Hammermeier to win this match. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to take a scalding hot shower.
Toshie Uematsu vs. Sara Del Rey
As I stated earlier, it's nice to finally have some variety in CHIKARA's women's division, and if Toshie Uematsu has a good match with Madison Eagles, she'll probably have a good match with Sara Del Rey. I probably should have done more research before making picks for matches that involve wrestlers I've never seen before. I'll probably see if I can find some Toshie Uematsu matches on Youtube after I'm done writing this. Anyway, I remember Dragon Yuki coming in to CHIKARA in October of last year and losing both of his matches. Will the same fate apply to Uematsu? I have no idea. But taking on Madison Eagles and Sara Del Rey in one weekend might be too tough, even for a Japanese wrestler. Then again, if they want her to return, they'll probably give her at least one victory this weekend. Hell, since Sara lost to Madison Eagles last month, I'll say she loses again on Sunday. Toshie Uematsu picks up the win in an upset.
3.0 vs. The UnStable
You know the story already. Now we get the rematch. 3.0 has been supremely entertaining over the past few months, and with their entry into King of Trios with The Generic Luchador, El Generico, ingeniously naming themselves ¡3.Olé!, they're sure to be the funniest trio this year (save maybe The Throwbacks). But their antics last month were apparently not entirely meant to be, as Shane Matthews apologized in a blog entry just a couple of days ago, citing intake of a Red Bull as the catalyst for his outbursts and eventual crash that culminated in his falling asleep midway through a match. I would imagine that whichever team had won the night before would lose this match, and since I picked 3.0 and The Throwbacks to win on Saturday, I'll pick The UnStable to win on Sunday. Yeah it ain't a pretty formula, but it's probably what's going to happen for a feud that's just starting out.
The Osirian Portal vs. The BDK (Tim Donst, Lince Dorado, and Pinkie Sanchez)
The Osirian Portal continues to take on strong trios en route to King of Trios 2011. They defeated a very similar BDK team in December. Then they beat F.I.S.T. in January. Then The Colony on February 19th and were the last men standing in a four-way elimination tag match on February 20th. You can see why I have a tough time picking against them. Also, getting however many millions of views on Youtube is a good reason to keep their momentum at full speed. Not that they deserve it based solely on Youtube video views. The Portal is a supremely talented trio who deserve this push as much as anyone else right now. On the other side of things, Tim Donst is heading the only BDK trio into King of Trios. Could this be the team he takes into Philadelphia the weekend of April 15th? This was the BDK's team that nearly made it to the finals last year but were stopped by The Colony, so I'd imagine they'd love to get some revenge on last year's runners-up. But they have to go through the world's hottest trio, and I can't see that happening right now. If this was six months ago, I'd say the BDK has the advantage. But right now, the Portal is red hot and I doubt they'll be losing a trios match soon. The Osirian Portal wins and continues their rise to the top of the trios world.
Young Lions Cup Championship Match - Frightmare (c) vs. Obariyon
Last month, Frightmare tied Max Boyer's record of five title defenses. Sunday, he goes for his record-breaking sixth against a man who made his debut at the Young Lions Cup Tournament last year and has had one hell of a year, Obariyon. Obariyon has proven to be the stand-out in Kizarny's Dark Army, fiendish, strong, and deft and agile as any high-flyer. Plus, his face paint scares me a little. Last month, Obariyon pinned Frightmare in their trios match. But that was a trios match. And Frightmare is one of the best singles wrestlers in CHIKARA right now. Obariyon has not had a singles match since August of last year. Will that come into play? I have no idea, but it's a good way to reason out Frightmare retaining the title. At least, I'm guessing he will. Despite strong competition, Frightmare wins and retains the Young Lions Cup.
Lumberjack Match - The Throwbacks vs. The Roughnecks
In what is being billed as CHIKARA's first ever Lumberjacks Match, the hotly contested feud between The Throwbacks and The Roughnecks will reach a head. These two teams have been fighting back and forth for nigh on six months now, and you can't end a feud like this with any normal match. While I don't think this feud is necessarily over, a gimmick match like this will definitely keep the fire burning bright. One wonders who will be chosen as lumberjacks in this match, as it could very well turn the tide of the match and give one team an advantage. But I believe that since I picked The Throwbacks to win on Saturday, we'll see a reversal of fortune and The Roughnecks will win this match.
And since the Saturday show is set to start in about five minutes, I'll crank out these last few picks real quick so as not to seem like I'm cheating.
UltraMantis Black vs. Sinn "Kizarny" Bodhi
This feud is far from over. Unless I've missed something, we still need some more promos between the two to explain the story more. I'll have to catch up on the CHIKARA Event Center videos on Youtube just to see. Nevertheless, I'm hoping this is more of a match than their January encounter. I think Kizarny will win this match, though it won't be without its controversy.
Campeonatos de Parejas Match - Mike Quackenbush and Jigsaw vs. The Colony (Soldier Ant and Fire Ant)
I'm not sure why The Colony is challenging for the titles. To my recollection, they don't have the three points necessary to challenge for the belts. But it says that this match is for the Campeonatos, so I'll go with what the website says. Two mega-face teams taking each other on...should be a great high-flying affair. But I don't see QuackSaw losing the tag titles just yet. Quackenbush and Jigsaw retain the Campeonatos.
Eddie Kingston vs. Claudio Castagnoli
Oh, if only I had some more time to discuss this blood feud. But it's finally happening! We're going to get the match that Eddie Kingston has been begging for for a year. The end to Clutch of Doom was so intense, I found myself salivating at the thought of this match. Sadly, I won't get to see it for a couple of weeks, until the DVD is released. And I keep away from results since I want to know who wins when I watch the show, not as soon as the show is over. No matter the result, this is going to be one epic match. But who wins? You have no idea how much I want to see Eddie Kingston win this match. But I just have a bad feeling that we'll be left with a sour taste in our mouths once this match is over. I hate to do it, but I'm picking Claudio Castagnoli to win this match.
And as stated earlier, I need to take a shower after saying that.
Thanks for reading, and please boycott Monday Night Raw for having that gelatinous tapeworm, that waste of oxygen, that life reject, Snooki, as the guest host. Boycotting Raw this week will make things a lot easier for me in the future. My big announcement will be revealed very soon.
Catch you all on the flip side!
OPERATION BIG FREEZE
Madison Eagles vs. Toshie Uematsu
I'm glad to see more women competing in CHIKARA other than Sara Del Rey and Daizee Haze. It isn't that I don't like Sara or Daizee, it's just better to have some variety. Madison Eagles had a very good match against Sara in Easton at Clutch of Doom (which I literally just finished watching about twenty minutes ago), much better in this man's humble opinion than her match against Daizee Haze in January. And now it appears that Madison will be a semi-regular competitor in CHIKARA. As the current SHIMMER champion, Eagles has to be considered a favorite. I know nothing about Toshie Uematsu, except that she's Japanese. But I'm a fan of Japanese wrestling. I constantly remind myself that I need to watch more of it. And after watching Manami Toyota's matches for CHIKARA in September of last year, I have high hopes for any Japanese woman coming to American soil. Madison lost her first match in CHIKARA (well, her first since 2008) before winning last month, so I'm wondering if something similar will happen to Uematsu. For this match, I'll pick Madison Eagles to win, though it's not a strong pick to be honest.
Da Soul Touchaz (Marshe Rocket and Acid Jaz) vs. The BDK (Lince Dorado and Pinkie Sanchez)
After taking February away from CHIKARA, Da Soul Touchaz are back in action against their bitter rivals. Today, they take on two of the more annoying (but talented) members of the Bruderschaft in Lince Dorado and Pinkie Sanchez. These teams have been embroiled in a feud for months, and it shows no signs of cooling off. Since the BDK took out DST's managers last year, DST has been on a mission to destroy the Swiss Army. Tonight, they get a chance at redemption against The Perfect Ten and whatever the hell Pinkie's nickname is. I like this matchup a lot. Marshe and Acid will match styles very well with Lince and Pinkie. This should be a high-flying affair with lots of crowd reaction. The BDK won in January (albeit by disqualification), and I'd imagine they're hungry for another victory. But I think Da Soul Touchaz will win, since they've simply got more emotion behind them. Expect a knock-down drag-out fight here.
3.0 and The Throwbacks vs. The UnStable and The Roughnecks
Last month, 3.0 took what had initially seemed like a throwaway match with The UnStable and turned it into a serious feud overnight. 3.0, in their universally hilarious glory, joked about Vin Gerard and STIGMA being boring, and at one point, Shane Matthews pulled a pillow out from under the ring and fell asleep on the ring apron. The feud continued the following night, as 3.0 again ruined The UnStable's chances at winning a match, only to have The UnStable return the favor later in the night. Now neither of these teams have any points and are looking for payback. The feud between The Throwbacks and The Roughnecks has been escalating for months, and continues to boil over with fury from both sides. I don't know if that last sentence made any sense, but I don't care. These two feuds will intertwine during this eight-man tag team match. At this point in the four teams' respective feuds, trying to pick this match is difficult. I would call the odds of winning even for both sides. Sure, one side has Brodie Lee, but we've seen in the past that he isn't invincible. I would flip a coin to choose the winner, but I don't have one nearby. So I'll just mentally flip one...
...
The coin came up heads. So I'll pick 3.0 and The Throwbacks to win.
Fire Ant vs. Icarus
Icarus is coming off two singles victories in February, though one was under dubious circumstances. He defeated Gregory Iron in a pretty awesome match, and then took out Ophidian the next night (through said dubious circumstances (AKA Derek Sabato)). Since the rest of F.I.S.T. is nowhere to be seen, Icarus will apparently again be going it alone this month. Fire Ant is coming off a huge victory with Soldier Ant against Claudio Castagnoli and Tursas at Clutch of Doom, and CHIKARA's Hottest Property is looking to keep The Colony's momentum going towards King of Trios. Fire Ant had the spot of the night at Clutch of Doom, where he leapt off an on-all-fours Tursas, caught Claudio with a headscissors, and as he (Fire Ant) was falling to the ground, he grabbed Tursas by the neck and slammed the big man's head into the mat with a ferocious DDT. It was a thing of beauty, definitely worthy of a Throwdown Lowdown highlight video (which, by the way, if you haven't seen, go to Youtube and type in Throwdown Lowdown for some killer highlights from past CHIKARA shows). Both of these men have something to prove in singles action, as well as building momentum for their respective trios for the upcoming King of Trios. But who wins? Icarus is on a roll, while Fire Ant hasn't had a singles match in a while. I'm giving this match (as much as it pains me to do so) to Icarus. Of course, if Derek Sabato is the referee, Icarus will pretty much be guaranteed the victory. But I won't know about that until the DVDs are released.
The Osirian Portal vs. Kizarny and The Batiri
Aside from Ophidian's loss to Icarus last month, The Osirian Portal has been on a major roll since adding Jonathan Gres...I mean Hieracon to their ranks. This young up-and-comer has given new life to a team that was already gaining huge amounts of viral notoriety. The Portal pulled the hypnosis out again at Caught in a Cauldron of Hate, hypnotizing the best referee in the world, Bryce Remsburg, and that was a grand old time, it was. The Batiri, though they lost in their bid for the Campeonatos de Parejas, got right back on track the next night with a victory over UltraMantis Black, Hallowicked, and Frightmare in what I would consider an upset. Thankfully, Kodama appears to have improved since January's outing, where he clearly injured himself botching a move with Hallowicked. Obariyon continues to impress, and with their leader back at the helm, they will be a formidable force indeed. But the Portal is so over right now it's crazy. The shot of energy Hieracon has given them may very well propel them to the top of the tag team world sooner rather than later. Can you say King of Trios? They'd be my early pick to win it all. But then again, the whole roster of teams has yet to be finalized, so I'm not going to make an official decision until then. I wouldn't be surprised if some foul play is involved in this match, especially if Derek Sabato draws this match. We say in January how he seemed to almost be in league with The Batiri, hinting at a possible alliance with the BDK. Whether or not this is true remains to be seen, but I would expect that if he is the ref for this match, we'll be seeing Kizarny's hand raised in victory. Still, at this point, it's too tough to pick against The Osirian Portal, and until they lose a big match, I'm going to keep picking them to win. So The Osirian Portal wins this match, but it won't be an easy victory for them.
Willie Richardson vs. Tursas
The two biggest men on the CHIKARA roster go head-to-head in what I'm betting will be the match that has the best chance of breaking the ring. If anyone has the gumption to be the second man to take Tursas off his feet, it's The Urban American Dream. Richardson is one of those talented big men who can do stuff a guy his size shouldn't be able to do. And since I've never seen him in a singles match, this should prove to be very interesting. On the other hand, I don't believe I've ever seen Tursas work a singles match that lasts more than about six minutes, so if something DOES happen, it'll happen quickly. I can't see this match going the whole way without outside interference, and as much as I'd love to see Willie Richardson pick up the victory, I just don't think it's in the cards tonight. Tursas wins.
Mike Quackenbush and Incoherence (Hallowicked and Frightmare) vs. The BDK (Claudio Castagnoli, Sara Del Rey, and Tim Donst)
Donst now holds the dubious record of being involved in the shortest match in CHIKARA history, being pinned by Max Boyer in four seconds in Reading, PA last month. Sure, Hallowicked pretty well cost Donst the match, but hey, a record is a record. Now, I'm sure, Donst is looking for retribution. Donst gained some measure of revenge after beating Jigsaw (with copious help from Derek Sabato), and for that, I'm sure Mike Quackenbush is looking to tame Donst's hide. And I'm sure each team just wants to tear the other a new bung-hole. The CHIKARA/BDK feud is still burning strong more than a year after they first arrived on the scene. See, Vince? THIS is how you book a feud. Not this whole "two months and you're done" approach. Anyway, back to the matter at hand. This match will not resolve a damn thing between the two factions, since the next day, even more conflict will arise. But it should be damned entertaining, that's for sure. I think The BDK is going to win this match, though honestly it's even money as to who will actually win.
And now, for Sunday's show...
CREATURES FROM THE TAR SWAMP
Green Ant vs. Jakob Hammermeier
Apparently this was just added recently. One of the feuds that's been brooding in the background over the past year is between the two ring announcers, Jakob Hammermeier and Gavin Loudspeaker. While I would normally not condone a match between the two, as wrestling should be left to the wrestlers, this one would probably work since it hasn't been crammed down our throats for months on end like certain other "announcers" who will remain nameless. And what better way to introduce Jakob to the ring than put him in a match with Green Ant, one of the better mat grapplers in the company. Green Ant had a great wrestling exhibition match with Mike Quackenbush last month, and I would imagine that he would teach Jakob a thing or two about what it means to be a wrestler. Unless Jakob's a quick learner, as he's apparently been training under Claudio for a couple of months. It should prove to be an interesting match. Probably not a five-star match, but interesting nonetheless. But I would bet that Jakob's got something up his white sleeve, and will probably manage to screw Green Ant out of the victory. Yes, I'm picking Jakob Hammermeier to win this match. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to take a scalding hot shower.
Toshie Uematsu vs. Sara Del Rey
As I stated earlier, it's nice to finally have some variety in CHIKARA's women's division, and if Toshie Uematsu has a good match with Madison Eagles, she'll probably have a good match with Sara Del Rey. I probably should have done more research before making picks for matches that involve wrestlers I've never seen before. I'll probably see if I can find some Toshie Uematsu matches on Youtube after I'm done writing this. Anyway, I remember Dragon Yuki coming in to CHIKARA in October of last year and losing both of his matches. Will the same fate apply to Uematsu? I have no idea. But taking on Madison Eagles and Sara Del Rey in one weekend might be too tough, even for a Japanese wrestler. Then again, if they want her to return, they'll probably give her at least one victory this weekend. Hell, since Sara lost to Madison Eagles last month, I'll say she loses again on Sunday. Toshie Uematsu picks up the win in an upset.
3.0 vs. The UnStable
You know the story already. Now we get the rematch. 3.0 has been supremely entertaining over the past few months, and with their entry into King of Trios with The Generic Luchador, El Generico, ingeniously naming themselves ¡3.Olé!, they're sure to be the funniest trio this year (save maybe The Throwbacks). But their antics last month were apparently not entirely meant to be, as Shane Matthews apologized in a blog entry just a couple of days ago, citing intake of a Red Bull as the catalyst for his outbursts and eventual crash that culminated in his falling asleep midway through a match. I would imagine that whichever team had won the night before would lose this match, and since I picked 3.0 and The Throwbacks to win on Saturday, I'll pick The UnStable to win on Sunday. Yeah it ain't a pretty formula, but it's probably what's going to happen for a feud that's just starting out.
The Osirian Portal vs. The BDK (Tim Donst, Lince Dorado, and Pinkie Sanchez)
The Osirian Portal continues to take on strong trios en route to King of Trios 2011. They defeated a very similar BDK team in December. Then they beat F.I.S.T. in January. Then The Colony on February 19th and were the last men standing in a four-way elimination tag match on February 20th. You can see why I have a tough time picking against them. Also, getting however many millions of views on Youtube is a good reason to keep their momentum at full speed. Not that they deserve it based solely on Youtube video views. The Portal is a supremely talented trio who deserve this push as much as anyone else right now. On the other side of things, Tim Donst is heading the only BDK trio into King of Trios. Could this be the team he takes into Philadelphia the weekend of April 15th? This was the BDK's team that nearly made it to the finals last year but were stopped by The Colony, so I'd imagine they'd love to get some revenge on last year's runners-up. But they have to go through the world's hottest trio, and I can't see that happening right now. If this was six months ago, I'd say the BDK has the advantage. But right now, the Portal is red hot and I doubt they'll be losing a trios match soon. The Osirian Portal wins and continues their rise to the top of the trios world.
Young Lions Cup Championship Match - Frightmare (c) vs. Obariyon
Last month, Frightmare tied Max Boyer's record of five title defenses. Sunday, he goes for his record-breaking sixth against a man who made his debut at the Young Lions Cup Tournament last year and has had one hell of a year, Obariyon. Obariyon has proven to be the stand-out in Kizarny's Dark Army, fiendish, strong, and deft and agile as any high-flyer. Plus, his face paint scares me a little. Last month, Obariyon pinned Frightmare in their trios match. But that was a trios match. And Frightmare is one of the best singles wrestlers in CHIKARA right now. Obariyon has not had a singles match since August of last year. Will that come into play? I have no idea, but it's a good way to reason out Frightmare retaining the title. At least, I'm guessing he will. Despite strong competition, Frightmare wins and retains the Young Lions Cup.
Lumberjack Match - The Throwbacks vs. The Roughnecks
In what is being billed as CHIKARA's first ever Lumberjacks Match, the hotly contested feud between The Throwbacks and The Roughnecks will reach a head. These two teams have been fighting back and forth for nigh on six months now, and you can't end a feud like this with any normal match. While I don't think this feud is necessarily over, a gimmick match like this will definitely keep the fire burning bright. One wonders who will be chosen as lumberjacks in this match, as it could very well turn the tide of the match and give one team an advantage. But I believe that since I picked The Throwbacks to win on Saturday, we'll see a reversal of fortune and The Roughnecks will win this match.
And since the Saturday show is set to start in about five minutes, I'll crank out these last few picks real quick so as not to seem like I'm cheating.
UltraMantis Black vs. Sinn "Kizarny" Bodhi
This feud is far from over. Unless I've missed something, we still need some more promos between the two to explain the story more. I'll have to catch up on the CHIKARA Event Center videos on Youtube just to see. Nevertheless, I'm hoping this is more of a match than their January encounter. I think Kizarny will win this match, though it won't be without its controversy.
Campeonatos de Parejas Match - Mike Quackenbush and Jigsaw vs. The Colony (Soldier Ant and Fire Ant)
I'm not sure why The Colony is challenging for the titles. To my recollection, they don't have the three points necessary to challenge for the belts. But it says that this match is for the Campeonatos, so I'll go with what the website says. Two mega-face teams taking each other on...should be a great high-flying affair. But I don't see QuackSaw losing the tag titles just yet. Quackenbush and Jigsaw retain the Campeonatos.
Eddie Kingston vs. Claudio Castagnoli
Oh, if only I had some more time to discuss this blood feud. But it's finally happening! We're going to get the match that Eddie Kingston has been begging for for a year. The end to Clutch of Doom was so intense, I found myself salivating at the thought of this match. Sadly, I won't get to see it for a couple of weeks, until the DVD is released. And I keep away from results since I want to know who wins when I watch the show, not as soon as the show is over. No matter the result, this is going to be one epic match. But who wins? You have no idea how much I want to see Eddie Kingston win this match. But I just have a bad feeling that we'll be left with a sour taste in our mouths once this match is over. I hate to do it, but I'm picking Claudio Castagnoli to win this match.
And as stated earlier, I need to take a shower after saying that.
Thanks for reading, and please boycott Monday Night Raw for having that gelatinous tapeworm, that waste of oxygen, that life reject, Snooki, as the guest host. Boycotting Raw this week will make things a lot easier for me in the future. My big announcement will be revealed very soon.
Catch you all on the flip side!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Episode 11 - Elimination Chamber Results
My sincerest apologies for not writing this episode earlier. I've been sick for the past week, and I feel my thoughts would not have been completely coherent. I'm still sick, but much less so than I was last week. And since Elimination Chamber was a small show, I figure I can also cover the past week in the wacky world of Vince McMahon as well. Let's do the PPV first.
For what I called the most predictable show of the year, I had a rather pathetic picks output, correctly picking only three of the five matches on the card. Admittedly, one of them was a toss-up, but one I looked too much into and paid the price. Oh, well. Let's look at the show, shall we? Note that it's been about a week since I saw the show, so I'm going off a memory that's been ravaged by disease for a week. This should be fun.
Alberto Del Rio defeated Kofi Kingston in a non-title match
Del Rio continues his climb towards the World Heavyweight Championship in much the same manner as he's done for quite some time now. This time, he goes over the new Matt Hardy of the WWE, Kofi Kingston. I say this because Kofi is a perennial mid-carder, and there seems to be no plan to move him up the ranks. He's loved by the fans and a good worker, but it seems more he's gotten into this "jobber to the stars" role and can't escape it. I thought Kofi was going to move up the chain of command over a year ago, after his feud with Randy Orton. But nothing materialized. Instead, we get guys like Jack Swagger and Sheamus moving up to the top of the card faster than you can say, "But he's not that talented!" And now Del Rio has moved past him. I feel for Kofi. He's one of the most popular guys on Smackdown, yet he's saddled with the Intercontinental Championship more than a year after I thought he would be winning his first World Title. Wow, I went way off topic, didn't I? The match was pretty good, a decent opener for a show with five matches. But, as predicted, Del Rio won the match. Now we get six weeks of him telling us it's his destiny to win the World Heavyweight Championship in so many words. Joy.
Edge retains the World Heavyweight Championship in an Elimination Chamber Match
Hands down, this was the best match of the night. And when the best match of the night is the second match on the card, you know you're in trouble. If I have to give props to one guy I wasn't very high on before the show, it would have to be Wade Barrett. The guy took two nasty bumps through the chamber pod doors, as well as about a half dozen chops from The Big Show, and even though he first man eliminated, he showed true toughness throughout his time in the match. Also, major props to Edge and Rey Mysterio, who were both the first and last men in the match. The match lasted close to 30 minutes, and these two really showed some true grit by going the whole match. Their one-on-one encounter at the end of the show was fantastic, and it could have been a match by itself. I was a little disappointed Christian wasn't the sixth man in the chamber, but I was pleasantly surprised to see him return after the match, during Del Rio's run in on Edge. I was also hoping to see Christian on Smackdown, but alas, he was not there. If you see only one match from this show, make sure it's this one.
Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel defeated Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov to become the NEW WWE Tag Team Champions
Have I mentioned yet how hideous those new belts look? Because they're hideous. Anyway, this was the wild card match that had people picking down the middle. But in the end, the CORRRRRRRE won, and Slater and Gabriel captured their second Tag Team Titles. I'd like to reserve the rest of this segment to describing the utter clusterfuck that was the main event on Raw. Slater and Gabriel were to defend the newly won tag titles against John Cena and the Miz. Cena and Miz won the match to become the new tag champions. Wade Barrett immediately called for their rematch, and Slater and Gabriel won the titles back. That's THREE title changes in one day. Now if that doesn't say to you that Vince McMahon doesn't give two shits about the tag team division, I don't know what will.
I'd like to go on a sidebar here to discuss John Cena's tag team title reigns. Cena is a four-time tag team champion. Every one of those tag title reigns was to further a storyline he was participating in rather than being part of a legitimate tag team. The first came with Shawn Michaels, after which the two began feuding over the WWE Championship. Next was a title run with Batista that lasted a week. That title reign was only done to further the feud between Cena and Batista leading to their match at Summerslam. Next came a run with David Otunga that lasted a day, and was done only to move the feud between Cena and the old Nexus even further. And last, we have the ten minute title reign with The Miz that was done only to give Miz more heat. Every time something like this happens, it makes me want to give up watching wrestling altogether. But then I remember that there are good promotions out there who value their titles and put on good shows every month. Speaking of, I'll get to that CHIKARA review real soon.
Let's move on.
The Miz defeated Jerry "The King" Lawler to retain the WWE Championship
I would like to talk about this match, but the atrocious promo between King and Michael Cole the next night on Raw overshadows everything else right now. I don't care if Jerry Lawler signed off on this promo. I don't care that it's Cole's job to get as much heat as possible. Do NOT bring real-life family into a wrestling feud. Wrestling is supposed to be fantasy, not reality. It's supposed to be an escape from our daily lives. When you bring someone's real family into the equation, it stops becoming entertaining and starts becoming real. Even if the events are scripted, it's better to keep one's actual family out of it. Does anyone remember CM Punk singing Happy Birthday to Rey Mysterio's daughter? That was one of the most horrifying segments of last year, and it was because it was Rey's actual family who were involved. It certainly didn't help Cole's case that Lawler's mother had only been dead for eight days. That promo did not have to go that far. Vince McMahon often tries to push the boundaries of good taste (a phrase I'm sure many of you thought he did not know), but that was just abhorrent. Every time I hear Michael Cole's voice now, I want to change the channel. Is that what Vince was going for with Cole's "character" this whole time? To make people stop watching Raw and Smackdown? Because I'm honestly considering it now. All because of a goddamned announcer.
John Cena wins the Elimination Chamber Match
Because of The Rock's promo two weeks ago, I thought it was setting up for a Rock vs. Cena match at Wrestlemania, which I think would be about the most massive draw ever. But it appears that those ideas were unfounded, as Cena ended up defeating five other men to become the #1 Contender for the WWE Championship. However, Cena was not the highlight of the match, as I give the best performance award to John Morrison, who not only destroyed a chamber pod door with his KNEE, but he pulled out another Spider-Man-esque performance by climbing to the middle of the chamber and falling on some guys. I think that, out of the six guys involved in this match, Miz vs. Morrison would have been the best draw in terms of a feud with history. Yes, Miz and Cena have history, but it's mostly bullshit history, including a terrible match at The Bash in 2009 which I attended. Yes, Cena is a money draw, but Miz vs. Morrison for the WWE Title at Wrestlemania is something internet wrestling geeks have been wanting since they split up in 2009. It would be a hell of a way to cap off what should have been a long-standing feud that ended up being an itty bitty teeny weeny background feud. WWE truly dropped the ball on the potential Miz/Morrison feud. But I digress. Cena will obviously do as well as he can to make this feud as good as possible. Miz's WWE Title reign has been "meh." But that's more because Miz is a "meh" wrestler rather than any problems WWE Creative may have had.
So that's the Elimination Chamber PPV. If you can watch the Smackdown Elimination Chamber match, by all means do. The rest of the show was nothing special.
Now, let's talk briefly about this past week's Raw and Smackdown. On Raw, we got John Cena's best promo in years, the utter mess that is the tag team titles, and a bunch of other stuff in between that I don't remember. See, this is the problem with the WWE product right now: almost nothing is memorable. When you look at a company like CHIKARA, the stuff they do is memorable. I'll remember El Generico hitting Eddie Kingston with a brainbuster on the ring apron till the day I die, but if you ask me what happened on Smackdown three weeks ago, I'll be clueless. Honestly, the only thing I remember from Smackdown so far this year is Cody Rhodes' promo just after his (kayfabe) broken nose at the hands of Rey Mysterio, where he faced away from the camera for the entire interview. I thought it was absolutely brilliant.
Speaking of Smackdown, I will likely remember that I wish I'd gotten a ticket to go, if only for two reasons. First, Dusty Rhodes made an appearance, and that is something you'll only get to experience once in a great while these days. And second, I would have loved to see Vickie Guerrero get fired live. I bet the roof blew off ARCO Arena when Teddy Long uttered those words. Maybe we won't have to sit through another torturously uncharismatic Vickie promo for a while. Though now I'm wondering what's to become of Dolph Ziggler. Will he show up on Raw? Will his name be cleared? I'd actually like him to stay on TV. The more TV time he has, the less chance we'll have to endure another Ezekiel Jackson promo. Ugh.
Well, I suppose that's enough blabbing for now. I really need to get on this whole CHIKARA review, especially since the next two shows should be out on DVD soon. At least, I hope they'll be out on DVD soon. They'll get my $30 soon enough, I'm sure. Until next time!
For what I called the most predictable show of the year, I had a rather pathetic picks output, correctly picking only three of the five matches on the card. Admittedly, one of them was a toss-up, but one I looked too much into and paid the price. Oh, well. Let's look at the show, shall we? Note that it's been about a week since I saw the show, so I'm going off a memory that's been ravaged by disease for a week. This should be fun.
Alberto Del Rio defeated Kofi Kingston in a non-title match
Del Rio continues his climb towards the World Heavyweight Championship in much the same manner as he's done for quite some time now. This time, he goes over the new Matt Hardy of the WWE, Kofi Kingston. I say this because Kofi is a perennial mid-carder, and there seems to be no plan to move him up the ranks. He's loved by the fans and a good worker, but it seems more he's gotten into this "jobber to the stars" role and can't escape it. I thought Kofi was going to move up the chain of command over a year ago, after his feud with Randy Orton. But nothing materialized. Instead, we get guys like Jack Swagger and Sheamus moving up to the top of the card faster than you can say, "But he's not that talented!" And now Del Rio has moved past him. I feel for Kofi. He's one of the most popular guys on Smackdown, yet he's saddled with the Intercontinental Championship more than a year after I thought he would be winning his first World Title. Wow, I went way off topic, didn't I? The match was pretty good, a decent opener for a show with five matches. But, as predicted, Del Rio won the match. Now we get six weeks of him telling us it's his destiny to win the World Heavyweight Championship in so many words. Joy.
Edge retains the World Heavyweight Championship in an Elimination Chamber Match
Hands down, this was the best match of the night. And when the best match of the night is the second match on the card, you know you're in trouble. If I have to give props to one guy I wasn't very high on before the show, it would have to be Wade Barrett. The guy took two nasty bumps through the chamber pod doors, as well as about a half dozen chops from The Big Show, and even though he first man eliminated, he showed true toughness throughout his time in the match. Also, major props to Edge and Rey Mysterio, who were both the first and last men in the match. The match lasted close to 30 minutes, and these two really showed some true grit by going the whole match. Their one-on-one encounter at the end of the show was fantastic, and it could have been a match by itself. I was a little disappointed Christian wasn't the sixth man in the chamber, but I was pleasantly surprised to see him return after the match, during Del Rio's run in on Edge. I was also hoping to see Christian on Smackdown, but alas, he was not there. If you see only one match from this show, make sure it's this one.
Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel defeated Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov to become the NEW WWE Tag Team Champions
Have I mentioned yet how hideous those new belts look? Because they're hideous. Anyway, this was the wild card match that had people picking down the middle. But in the end, the CORRRRRRRE won, and Slater and Gabriel captured their second Tag Team Titles. I'd like to reserve the rest of this segment to describing the utter clusterfuck that was the main event on Raw. Slater and Gabriel were to defend the newly won tag titles against John Cena and the Miz. Cena and Miz won the match to become the new tag champions. Wade Barrett immediately called for their rematch, and Slater and Gabriel won the titles back. That's THREE title changes in one day. Now if that doesn't say to you that Vince McMahon doesn't give two shits about the tag team division, I don't know what will.
I'd like to go on a sidebar here to discuss John Cena's tag team title reigns. Cena is a four-time tag team champion. Every one of those tag title reigns was to further a storyline he was participating in rather than being part of a legitimate tag team. The first came with Shawn Michaels, after which the two began feuding over the WWE Championship. Next was a title run with Batista that lasted a week. That title reign was only done to further the feud between Cena and Batista leading to their match at Summerslam. Next came a run with David Otunga that lasted a day, and was done only to move the feud between Cena and the old Nexus even further. And last, we have the ten minute title reign with The Miz that was done only to give Miz more heat. Every time something like this happens, it makes me want to give up watching wrestling altogether. But then I remember that there are good promotions out there who value their titles and put on good shows every month. Speaking of, I'll get to that CHIKARA review real soon.
Let's move on.
The Miz defeated Jerry "The King" Lawler to retain the WWE Championship
I would like to talk about this match, but the atrocious promo between King and Michael Cole the next night on Raw overshadows everything else right now. I don't care if Jerry Lawler signed off on this promo. I don't care that it's Cole's job to get as much heat as possible. Do NOT bring real-life family into a wrestling feud. Wrestling is supposed to be fantasy, not reality. It's supposed to be an escape from our daily lives. When you bring someone's real family into the equation, it stops becoming entertaining and starts becoming real. Even if the events are scripted, it's better to keep one's actual family out of it. Does anyone remember CM Punk singing Happy Birthday to Rey Mysterio's daughter? That was one of the most horrifying segments of last year, and it was because it was Rey's actual family who were involved. It certainly didn't help Cole's case that Lawler's mother had only been dead for eight days. That promo did not have to go that far. Vince McMahon often tries to push the boundaries of good taste (a phrase I'm sure many of you thought he did not know), but that was just abhorrent. Every time I hear Michael Cole's voice now, I want to change the channel. Is that what Vince was going for with Cole's "character" this whole time? To make people stop watching Raw and Smackdown? Because I'm honestly considering it now. All because of a goddamned announcer.
John Cena wins the Elimination Chamber Match
Because of The Rock's promo two weeks ago, I thought it was setting up for a Rock vs. Cena match at Wrestlemania, which I think would be about the most massive draw ever. But it appears that those ideas were unfounded, as Cena ended up defeating five other men to become the #1 Contender for the WWE Championship. However, Cena was not the highlight of the match, as I give the best performance award to John Morrison, who not only destroyed a chamber pod door with his KNEE, but he pulled out another Spider-Man-esque performance by climbing to the middle of the chamber and falling on some guys. I think that, out of the six guys involved in this match, Miz vs. Morrison would have been the best draw in terms of a feud with history. Yes, Miz and Cena have history, but it's mostly bullshit history, including a terrible match at The Bash in 2009 which I attended. Yes, Cena is a money draw, but Miz vs. Morrison for the WWE Title at Wrestlemania is something internet wrestling geeks have been wanting since they split up in 2009. It would be a hell of a way to cap off what should have been a long-standing feud that ended up being an itty bitty teeny weeny background feud. WWE truly dropped the ball on the potential Miz/Morrison feud. But I digress. Cena will obviously do as well as he can to make this feud as good as possible. Miz's WWE Title reign has been "meh." But that's more because Miz is a "meh" wrestler rather than any problems WWE Creative may have had.
So that's the Elimination Chamber PPV. If you can watch the Smackdown Elimination Chamber match, by all means do. The rest of the show was nothing special.
Now, let's talk briefly about this past week's Raw and Smackdown. On Raw, we got John Cena's best promo in years, the utter mess that is the tag team titles, and a bunch of other stuff in between that I don't remember. See, this is the problem with the WWE product right now: almost nothing is memorable. When you look at a company like CHIKARA, the stuff they do is memorable. I'll remember El Generico hitting Eddie Kingston with a brainbuster on the ring apron till the day I die, but if you ask me what happened on Smackdown three weeks ago, I'll be clueless. Honestly, the only thing I remember from Smackdown so far this year is Cody Rhodes' promo just after his (kayfabe) broken nose at the hands of Rey Mysterio, where he faced away from the camera for the entire interview. I thought it was absolutely brilliant.
Speaking of Smackdown, I will likely remember that I wish I'd gotten a ticket to go, if only for two reasons. First, Dusty Rhodes made an appearance, and that is something you'll only get to experience once in a great while these days. And second, I would have loved to see Vickie Guerrero get fired live. I bet the roof blew off ARCO Arena when Teddy Long uttered those words. Maybe we won't have to sit through another torturously uncharismatic Vickie promo for a while. Though now I'm wondering what's to become of Dolph Ziggler. Will he show up on Raw? Will his name be cleared? I'd actually like him to stay on TV. The more TV time he has, the less chance we'll have to endure another Ezekiel Jackson promo. Ugh.
Well, I suppose that's enough blabbing for now. I really need to get on this whole CHIKARA review, especially since the next two shows should be out on DVD soon. At least, I hope they'll be out on DVD soon. They'll get my $30 soon enough, I'm sure. Until next time!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Episode 10 - Elimination Chamber Picks
Hey, I just got this in on time! The last couple of days have been pretty hectic, so I'm going to do kind of a quick picks episode today. Before I begin, though, I would just like to point out that the first two WWE Pay-Per-Views have had a total of NINE matches between them. To put that in perspective, CHIKARA's Saturday show had nine matches. That's for ONE SHOW. Their first show of the year had eight, and their show today will have eight. That's TWENTY-FIVE matches in three shows. WWE has given us NINE through two shows. Yes, one was the Royal Rumble and two will be the Elimination Chamber matches, but STILL, if they spent more time wrestling and less time preening and posturing during their 45 minute entrances, we'd get more than five matches per show.
Also, I would like to point out that the picks for today seem ludicrously obvious. On that positive note, let's begin!
WWE Tag Team Championship Match - Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov (c's) vs. The CORRRRRRRE (Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel)
Heyy, iff WWE cann addd onne extrra, ranndom pointlesss letterr tto aa stablle's naame, soo cann Ii. Seriously, it's one of the most idiotic names for a group in recent memory. Also, I'm getting pretty tired of WWE rehashing the NWO storyline. The CORRRRRRRE just feels like the NWO Wolfpac (or at least the group that split from the main group) and will eventually just reunite with the Nexus (also, note to the announcers, the Nexus has not been "New" for over a month. Please stop calling it "The New Nexus.") Whatever. Can you tell I've had a good day so far? The Tag Titles still mean nothing, and it really doesn't matter who wins. Santino and Kozlov are a decent team, but Santino's gimmick feels stale, much like Vince McMahon's creative decisions. Slater and Gabriel are former tag champs, but it was yet another waste of time. I don't care anymore. Santino and Kozlov win and retain their entirely valueless Tag Team Titles.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston
Del Rio has also gotten stale. Every week, all he's ever done is walk out to the ring, declare that it is his destiny to win the World Heavyweight Championship, get attacked by some random face, and either scramble away or lock on the cross-arm breaker. He's done this for somewhere around six weeks. At first, it was about winning the Royal Rumble. But it's the same damn thing every time, usually twice a week. I'm bored of it. Do something new! Oh, the match? It doesn't matter. Alberto Del Rio wins.
WWE Championship Match - The Miz (c) vs. Jerry "The King" Lawler
First, my condolences to Jerry Lawler, whose mother passed away last Sunday. I give him all the respect in the world for still taking this match. But we all know what the outcome will be. Yes, Jerry Lawler is one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, but he doesn't need a WWE Championship reign. He's won over 150 titles in his career. One more won't make a difference. He's already a hall of famer. Just headlining a PPV should be enough to cap off his in-ring career. All of this makes me even more disappointed that we're going to get a Wrestlemania main event with The Miz. I can hear the "BOOOORING" chants already, most of them emanating from me. Still, Lawler's managed to put Miz over is some pretty good matches, so I'd imagine this will be no different. But in the end, it's going to be the least watchable WWE Champion since Sheamus to win. The Miz wins and retains the WWE Championship.
Raw Elimination Chamber Match - John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. CM Punk vs. John Morrison vs. Sheamus vs. R-Truth
Let's toss out Sheamus, Punk, and Truth immediately. The heels won't win because of Miz retaining the WWE Championship, and Truth has been awful the past month or so. I believe we can also discount John Morrison, since nobody seems to want to give him an actual push, even though a Miz vs. Morrison main event at Wrestlemania is something quite a few people have been wanting ever since their break-up a couple of years ago. That leaves us with John Cena and Randy Orton, the two men who seem to be able to no-sell a spot on any PPV lower than the main event. Were it not for a promo by a certain People's Champion this past Monday night, I would have called it a lock that Cena would win this Chamber match. But after said Brahma Bull's promo, I have a feeling we'll be seeing a confrontation between Cena and one Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment History. And if you think that Cena vs. Rock won't draw, you're completely fucking insane. Randy Orton wins the Raw Elimination Chamber match and sets up an incredibly boring Raw main event at Wrestlemania 27.
Smackdown Elimination Chamber World Heavyweight Championship Match - Edge (c) vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Kane vs. Wade Barrett vs. Drew McIntyre vs. ???
Oh good lord...Don't even get me started on how galactically stupid Smackdown was this past Friday. While it was nice to see Teddy Long no-sell severe head trauma and layeth the smacketh down on Vickie Guerrero's rather large candy ass, the rest of the night was a clusterfuck of idiocy, leading to Edge apparently becoming an 11-time World Champion. I wonder who will be the first to break Ric Flair's record...Edge, Cena, or HHH? It's more of a rhetorical thought. No one needs sixteen championship reigns. I'd rather have one title reign that lasted five years than sixteen that added up to five years. As to who is the sixth man in this match, I can think of only one man who would fit in nicely: Christian. What better time to return than at the Elimination Chamber show in a match involving his best friend, Edge? I'd also love to see Amazing Kong debut here, but I feel like she's never going to debut at this rate. As to who wins? Well, we can immediately discount any heels, so Kane, Barrett, and McIntyre are out. How Drew McIntyre even made it into this match is beyond me. The sixth man, whomever he may be, is also out. That leaves Mysterio and Edge. While a Mysterio/Del Rio main event at Wrestlemania would confirm that some feuds never die, I'm betting we're going to see a Rated Not-Quite-R showdown. Edge wins and retains the World Heavyweight Championship.
So there you have it. Picks for the Elimination Chamber. If I were you, I'd not buy this show and just acquire it through other means. That is, if you even think it'd be worth watching for free. It seems like a waste of time to me, but I'll probably still watch it. Why? Because I have nothing better to do with my days.
What a delightful episode. Catch you all soon with a results episode for Elimination Chamber. And be sure to stay tuned for a review of CHIKARA's Season 10 debut show, which I promise will be more positive. Until then, for Colt Cabana, I'm Colt Cabana.
P.S.: go listen to Colt Cabana's podcast, the Art of Wrestling. It's awesome.
P.P.S.: I am not, nor am I affiliated in any way with, Colt Cabana. Though I am friends with him on Facebook. So we're like brothers.
P.P.P.S;: Colt, please don't sue me.
Also, I would like to point out that the picks for today seem ludicrously obvious. On that positive note, let's begin!
WWE Tag Team Championship Match - Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov (c's) vs. The CORRRRRRRE (Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel)
Heyy, iff WWE cann addd onne extrra, ranndom pointlesss letterr tto aa stablle's naame, soo cann Ii. Seriously, it's one of the most idiotic names for a group in recent memory. Also, I'm getting pretty tired of WWE rehashing the NWO storyline. The CORRRRRRRE just feels like the NWO Wolfpac (or at least the group that split from the main group) and will eventually just reunite with the Nexus (also, note to the announcers, the Nexus has not been "New" for over a month. Please stop calling it "The New Nexus.") Whatever. Can you tell I've had a good day so far? The Tag Titles still mean nothing, and it really doesn't matter who wins. Santino and Kozlov are a decent team, but Santino's gimmick feels stale, much like Vince McMahon's creative decisions. Slater and Gabriel are former tag champs, but it was yet another waste of time. I don't care anymore. Santino and Kozlov win and retain their entirely valueless Tag Team Titles.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston
Del Rio has also gotten stale. Every week, all he's ever done is walk out to the ring, declare that it is his destiny to win the World Heavyweight Championship, get attacked by some random face, and either scramble away or lock on the cross-arm breaker. He's done this for somewhere around six weeks. At first, it was about winning the Royal Rumble. But it's the same damn thing every time, usually twice a week. I'm bored of it. Do something new! Oh, the match? It doesn't matter. Alberto Del Rio wins.
WWE Championship Match - The Miz (c) vs. Jerry "The King" Lawler
First, my condolences to Jerry Lawler, whose mother passed away last Sunday. I give him all the respect in the world for still taking this match. But we all know what the outcome will be. Yes, Jerry Lawler is one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, but he doesn't need a WWE Championship reign. He's won over 150 titles in his career. One more won't make a difference. He's already a hall of famer. Just headlining a PPV should be enough to cap off his in-ring career. All of this makes me even more disappointed that we're going to get a Wrestlemania main event with The Miz. I can hear the "BOOOORING" chants already, most of them emanating from me. Still, Lawler's managed to put Miz over is some pretty good matches, so I'd imagine this will be no different. But in the end, it's going to be the least watchable WWE Champion since Sheamus to win. The Miz wins and retains the WWE Championship.
Raw Elimination Chamber Match - John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. CM Punk vs. John Morrison vs. Sheamus vs. R-Truth
Let's toss out Sheamus, Punk, and Truth immediately. The heels won't win because of Miz retaining the WWE Championship, and Truth has been awful the past month or so. I believe we can also discount John Morrison, since nobody seems to want to give him an actual push, even though a Miz vs. Morrison main event at Wrestlemania is something quite a few people have been wanting ever since their break-up a couple of years ago. That leaves us with John Cena and Randy Orton, the two men who seem to be able to no-sell a spot on any PPV lower than the main event. Were it not for a promo by a certain People's Champion this past Monday night, I would have called it a lock that Cena would win this Chamber match. But after said Brahma Bull's promo, I have a feeling we'll be seeing a confrontation between Cena and one Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment History. And if you think that Cena vs. Rock won't draw, you're completely fucking insane. Randy Orton wins the Raw Elimination Chamber match and sets up an incredibly boring Raw main event at Wrestlemania 27.
Smackdown Elimination Chamber World Heavyweight Championship Match - Edge (c) vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Kane vs. Wade Barrett vs. Drew McIntyre vs. ???
Oh good lord...Don't even get me started on how galactically stupid Smackdown was this past Friday. While it was nice to see Teddy Long no-sell severe head trauma and layeth the smacketh down on Vickie Guerrero's rather large candy ass, the rest of the night was a clusterfuck of idiocy, leading to Edge apparently becoming an 11-time World Champion. I wonder who will be the first to break Ric Flair's record...Edge, Cena, or HHH? It's more of a rhetorical thought. No one needs sixteen championship reigns. I'd rather have one title reign that lasted five years than sixteen that added up to five years. As to who is the sixth man in this match, I can think of only one man who would fit in nicely: Christian. What better time to return than at the Elimination Chamber show in a match involving his best friend, Edge? I'd also love to see Amazing Kong debut here, but I feel like she's never going to debut at this rate. As to who wins? Well, we can immediately discount any heels, so Kane, Barrett, and McIntyre are out. How Drew McIntyre even made it into this match is beyond me. The sixth man, whomever he may be, is also out. That leaves Mysterio and Edge. While a Mysterio/Del Rio main event at Wrestlemania would confirm that some feuds never die, I'm betting we're going to see a Rated Not-Quite-R showdown. Edge wins and retains the World Heavyweight Championship.
So there you have it. Picks for the Elimination Chamber. If I were you, I'd not buy this show and just acquire it through other means. That is, if you even think it'd be worth watching for free. It seems like a waste of time to me, but I'll probably still watch it. Why? Because I have nothing better to do with my days.
What a delightful episode. Catch you all soon with a results episode for Elimination Chamber. And be sure to stay tuned for a review of CHIKARA's Season 10 debut show, which I promise will be more positive. Until then, for Colt Cabana, I'm Colt Cabana.
P.S.: go listen to Colt Cabana's podcast, the Art of Wrestling. It's awesome.
P.P.S.: I am not, nor am I affiliated in any way with, Colt Cabana. Though I am friends with him on Facebook. So we're like brothers.
P.P.P.S;: Colt, please don't sue me.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Episode 9 - A Super-Sized CHIKARA Picks Spectacular!
Fear not, loyal readers, for a review of CHIKARA's Season 10 debut show, Chaos in the Sea of Lost Souls, is forthcoming. I've already viewed the show once, but I feel it needs to be rewatched so I can give the full effect of the show to you, the reader. If you haven't already seen it yourself, I'd recommend picking it up if only to watch the Eddie Kingston vs. El Generico match, as it was off the awesome chart. Also, the Osirian Portal vs. F.I.S.T. match was great, as was the main event as usual. But for now, since there are TWO shows this weekend, I feel it is necessary that I cram both picks episodes into one gigantic super-episode. So sit back, strap in, and grab a beverage, because it's going to be a long show.
Let's start with Saturday's show, shall we? It's...
Caught in a Cauldron of Hate
3.0 vs. The UnStable
Both teams are looking to get back on the winning side, as neither have any points toward contention for the Campeones de Parejas. 3.0 is one of my favorite tag teams in CHIKARA (which is saying something since every tag team is awesome). Scott Parker and Shane Matthews are two talented and hilarious dudes, and they put up a hell of a fight against the BDK last year, actually being the first team to gain a pinfall in a championship match over Ares and Claudio Castagnoli during the latter's nine month title reign. Meanwhile, the UnStable has become more focused than ever after Colin Delaney Olsen left the team to reunite with his brother, Jimmy. Vin Gerard and STIGMA are looking to climb the ranks again. Both Matthews and Gerard have vastly improved over the past year, and they should definitely put on a good show. Every time I see Shane Matthews about ready to call out a headscissors, I mark out like crazy, because despite calling out a move very loudly, it still works every time. If this is the first match of the nine match card, I will definitely be happy to watch it when it comes out on DVD. But I have to remember that this is also a picks episode, and I think that when it comes right down to it, the Unstoppable Beast and the Miserable Malcontent have a slight advantage in that they're totally willing to cheat to win. I'll pick The UnStable to win and pick up their first point.
Gregory Iron vs. Icarus
There was one award I neglected to give out during the Golden Rantie Awards last year, and that was for the Most Inspirational Wrestler of the Year. That award goes to Gregory Iron. For his story, I'll link you to his recent blog post on CHIKARA's website. The man put on one hell of a show at the Young Lion's Cup against Lince Dorado and Tursas, taking the former to his limit on Night 2 and sadly getting crushed by the latter on Night 3. But Iron is a great talent and has shown that you can fulfill your dreams if you work hard enough. Now he has to face Icarus, possibly the most hated man on the CHIKARA roster for reasons I do not know since I've only been watching the product for about ten months. Believe me, if I had several thousand dollars, I'd buy the entire back library of CHIKARA just so I could make myself totally acquainted with the product. But I do not have that kind of money. When I do, though...look out, Smart Mark Video, cause you're going to have a huge order on your hands! Where was I? Oh, yes, the match. I would love to see Greg Iron become a regular member of the CHIKARA roster, but to do that, he needs to start winning matches. And what better way to start with a victory over a CHIKARA Generation 1 member like Icarus? I'm going with my heart over my brain this time. I'm picking Gregory Iron to win this match. It should be damn good.
Max Boyer vs. Tim Donst
I don't really remember seeing much of Max Boyer before, but I would imagine that since he's facing Eddie Kingston on Sunday, he's got to be a pretty good competitor. Both Boyer and Donst are former Young Lions Cup champions, so you know they've got some talent in them. Donst went undefeated in his reign as the YLC champ, and whether you want to admit it or not, the kid's getting better every time he steps in the ring. Tim Donst is how I wish Jack Swagger had turned out. Donst is like Swagger, only with talent. Anyway, with the BDK seemingly splintering before our very eyes, Donst may make a move towards the World Championship that is being created. I wish I knew more about Boyer to give a better analysis of this match, but I am in the dark right now. So I'll have to go with the guy I know more about, as much as it pains me to do so: Tim Donst wins.
Sugar Dunkerton vs. Brodie Lee
The rivalry between the Throwbacks and the Roughnecks continues its escalation. Last month, the Roughnecks picked up a victory over the Old Timey King of Swing and the Boisterous Ball Hog. I'm betting the Roughnecks were even more heated for that match when the ring announcer, Gavin Loudspeaker, accidentally called them the Throwbacks during their entrance. This feud is getting really hot, and it shows no signs of stopping. These teams have been trading wins back and forth for the past couple of months, with neither team gaining an advantage. Saturday, though, I think will be the beginning of one team gaining the upper hand. Brodie Lee is a tough guy to pick against, what with his big boot that could knock probably break cinderblocks and an attitude that most men would fear. But Sugar Dunkerton is not one to back down from a fight. Still, I'm betting the bigger man gets the dupe this time. Brodie Lee is my pick to win this match, and the tide in this feud will shift to the Roughnecks.
The Colony vs. The Osirian Portal
Last year's King of Trios runners-up face the newly re-minted trio in a "Tecnico Trios Tussle" as the website puts it. After nearly six months, The Colony is whole again, as Green Ant finally returns from a broken arm (courtesy of Battlarts member Keita Yano) he suffered during the Young Lions Cup tournament last year. Soldier Ant and Fire Ant are riding high after a Quatros (a term I'm just now coining) match last month with Jigsaw and Mike Quackenbush against the BDK, and with Green Ant back in the picture, they are as formidable a trio as any in the world. However, the Osirian Portal, who have been a duo for quite some time, are a trio once again with the former Jonathan Gresham, now known as Hieracon, joining the group. Both of these trios have been entered in the 2011 King of Trios tournament. Could this be a preview of one of the later matches, even the finals? Quite possibly. The Portal is riding high after their victory over F.I.S.T. last month, and with Hieracon, they look as strong as ever. But you can never count The Colony out. The only reason they didn't win King of Trios last year is because the BDK got in their way No matter what happens in April, this is going to be an epic encounter. Both teams are major fan favorites, and both teams are supremely talented. This could come close to being the match of the night. But who will win? Green Ant's return will definitely spur The Colony on, but Hieracon's addition to the Portal might put them at the top of the trios division in CHIKARA. It's a tough decision, but I'm going to have to pick The Osirian Portal to win this awesome match. They just have too much momentum right now for me to think they'll lose before King of Trios 2011.
Dasher Hatfield vs. Claudio Castagnoli
This is definitely an intriguing match-up, as these two have never faced off one-on-one before. Both men are embroiled in feuds that have nothing to do with each other, and that could bring about a lot of distraction on both men's parts. Dasher has the Roughnecks at the forefront of his mind, and Claudio is still waging war on the rest of CHIKARA. I would imagine that these distractions will lead to one of these men losing the match. With the World Championship announcement, I would have to believe that Claudio Castagnoli is a front-runner to challenge for this new title, and maybe this will be a warm-up for him. I think Dasher's involvement with the Roughnecks will be his downfall, as he won't be able to keep his focus on his opponent. Claudio Castagnoli wins this match and gets some momentum going for King of Trios and the eventual World Championship.
Eddie Kingston vs. Johnny Gargano
And speaking of World Title contenders, one cannot forget about The Last of a Dying Breed, Eddie Kingston. No one in CHIKARA has been on as much of a roll as Kingston over the past year, and it would be foolish to pick against him at a time like this. He's like the John Cena of CHIKARA, except Kingston is about ten times better (which isn't to say that Cena is bad; rather, it is to say that Kingston is that damn good). Now, I like Johnny Gargano. He's got all the potential in the world to be a truly great wrestler. But when he's matched up against a guy like Eddie Kingston, I feel kind of bad for Gargano. He's going to be absolutely steamrolled on Saturday. I'm picturing Kingston vs. Castagnoli in the final match for the new World Championship. Wouldn't that be a poetic end to their long-standing feud? I think it would be. But both men need to build momentum towards that epic encounter, and as such, I'm picking Eddie Kingston to win and pretty well destroy Johnny Gargano.
Young Lions Cup Championship Match - Frightmare (c) vs. Rich Swann
I wish I knew something about Rich Swann that would allow me to give good analysis for this match. But, sadly, I know nothing of this man. But I would think it is safe to say that if he is taking on Frightmare for the Young Lions Cup, he's got to be good. Frightmare has been an excellent Young Lions Cup champion, and I can't imagine his reign ending so soon. Nonetheless, this should be an excellent match. But I have to question whether Frightmare will be totally focused on Rich Swann since he is part of the UltraMantis Black vs. Sinn Bodhi feud, a feud that is gaining steam and intrigue with each passing show. Last month, it appeared that Bodhi and the Batiri had possibly struck an alliance with the BDK, but that has yet to be confirmed by any party. Now, UltraMantis, Hallowicked, and Frightmare are waist-deep in this feud, with no signs of slowing down. Hopefully, Frightmare will be able to keep what little measure of composure he has in order to retain the Young Lions Cup. I'll pick Frightmare to win and retain the YLC, though his grasp on it is more tenuous than I thought it was a month ago.
Campeonatos de Parejas Match - "Lightning" Mike Quackenbush and Jigsaw (c's) vs. The Batiri (Obariyon and Kodama)
Six months ago, Obariyon made his debut. I gave him the Rookie of the Year award. Kodama debuted a month after Obariyon. I will not be giving him any awards. These two have been pushed to the top of the company so quickly I'm a little surprised by it. Still, they are definitely a good pair to work for Sinn Bodhi. But are they ready for the Campeonatos de Parejas? I honestly can't see Jigsaw and Quackenbush dropping the titles here. Bodhi's feud with UltraMantis Black is still only in its infancy, and giving him too much power too quickly would seem a little overwhelming. Unless, of course, Bodhi is in collusion with the BDK, in which case it would be tough to side against the Batiri. Still, Jigsaw and Quackenbush have overcome incredible odds to become the Campeones, and dropping them just two months after winning them would feel like a hollow victory. And, on a more technical note, I still feel like Kodama is not ready for the spotlight. He's probably the most botch-prone member of the CHIKARA roster, including an ugly botch at the last show where he executed Hallowicked's step-up headscissors very poorly and injured his (Kodama's) shoulder. It looked awful. Obariyon is ready for the main roster, no question. But I just feel like Kodama could use a few more months of training before he'll be really ready. It feels like they kind of rushed him into the gimmick and the story before he was really ready to go. For that reason, I am going to pick Mike Quackenbush and Jigsaw to retain the Campeonatos de Parejas. It isn't the Batiri's time yet..
So there you have it: picks for Caught in a Cauldron of Hate. Now, for Part Two of this Mega-Sized Episode, picks for...
Clutch of Doom
Ophidian vs. Icarus
Man, when was the last time Icarus had two singles matches in a row? I certainly can't remember. Of course, I've only been following CHIKARA for ten months, so it could have happened before I started watching. Both F.I.S.T. and the Osirian Portal are competing in King of Trios 2011, so this match will probably help the momentum of one of these teams. But, as I stated earlier, the Portal is riding a wave of momentum the likes of which I haven't seen in a while. Well, other than Eddie Kingston's wave of momentum. If you haven't seen the video that made the Portal a viral sensation, I'll post it right here:
If ever there was a promotion that made me suspend my disbelief, it's CHIKARA (or, in this case, the Osirian Portal in CZW). I can't see the Portal's momentum slowing down any time soon. I'll pick Ophidian to win.
The Throwbacks vs. The UnStable
Similar to what I've been discussing in this episode, the Throwbacks probably won't be focused on this match or their opponents, whom I picked to win against 3.0 on Saturday. The blood feud the Throwbacks are embroiled in with the Roughnecks will likely be too much to allow them to focus on the UnStable. What does this mean? It means that the UnStable may very well reach a little closer to a title match. I wouldn't even be surprised if Brodie Lee and/or Grizzly Redwood make an appearance during this match just to screw the Throwbacks over. I'm picking The UnStable to win and pick up their second point, leaving them just one point shy of earning a title shot.
Madison Eagles vs. Sara Del Rey
I wasn't a big fan of Madison's match against Daizee Haze last month. It felt like Madison was too large for Daizee to work with, even though Daizee's been working matches against guys twice her size for some time now. I'm hoping that Sara Del Rey will match up better with Madison. Sara is definitely one of the best wrestlers in the world right now, male or female. Do toe ladies of the BDK gain a clean sweep over Madison Eagles? I'm not so sure. Daizee's win felt almost a little like a fluke victory, and even though Sara should match up more equally with Madison, I think that may be to Sara's disadvantage. Still, when you're backed by the BDK, there's always a good chance you'll win no matter what. If Derek Sabato's the referee for this match, Sara's chances of winning to up significantly. But I think that Madison could very well pull off a victory here. I'm picking Madison Eagles to win in what I'd consider a small upset.
Four Corner Elimination Match - The Osirian Portal (Amasis/Hieracon) vs. 3.0 vs. the BDK (Delirious/Daizee Haze) vs. Los Ice Creams
With this style of match, one team could walk out of Easton, PA with the three points necessary to challenge Mike Quackenbush and Jigsaw for the Campeonatos de Parejas. In fact, that's how Quack and Jig got their three points to challenge the BDK last year. But will any of these teams get all three points in this match? My gut says no. I'm pretty sure we can count Los Ice Creams out of the running immediately, despite how hilarious they are. 3.0 might bet a pinfall, but the chances of them winning the match are slim with the Osirian Portal and the BDK standing in their way. So that leaves us with two teams. And I hate to sound like a broken record, but the Portal's got all the momentum and the crowds in their corner. I don't think they can be stopped right now. They may only get one point out of it, but I'm picking The Osirian Portal to win this match and have yet another team start their path to the Campeonatos.
Eddie Kingston vs. Max Boyer
Johnny Gargano won't be able to stop the War King. Neither will Max Boyer. Eddie Kingston will not stop until he's beaten Claudio Castagnoli to within an inch of his life. It doesn't matter who is put in front of him, because Eddie Kingston will decimate anyone and everyone until he gets to Claudio. Eddie Kingston wins this match.
UltraMantis Black, Hallowicked, and Frightmare vs. The Batiri (Obariyon, Kodama, and Kobald)
Here is another reason why I don't believe the Batiri will defeat Quack and Jig on Saturday: they have a trios match the next night against their bitter rivals, UltraMantis Black and Incoherence, and I can't see them walking into Easton as the Campeones de Parejas. This will be the first time we will see the strange creature known as Kobald in action, so he is definitely a wild card in this match. UMB, Hallowicked, and Frightmare make a formidable trio, one I would consider nigh unbeatable in CHIKARA. But the Batiri have Sinn Bodhi at their side, and there's a damn good chance they will get back on a winning streak after Saturday's predicted loss. Both Incoherence and UltraMantis lost their matches last month to the Batiri, so I think they'll get a measure of revenge on Sunday. However, Sinn Bodhi's possible alliance with the BDK may lead to some unexpected interference, and I think The Batiri will pick up the victory. This might be a bitter pill to swallow, but the Batiri are on a roll, and I bet they'll make a big splash at King of Trios this year.
Jigsaw vs. Tim Donst
This match is kind of a summary of last season: one of the CHIKARA faithful facing off against a member of the nefarious Bruderschaft des Kreuzes. Jigsaw is still coming off some injuries, so he'll likely not be at 100%, especially after his match Saturday night against the Batiri. Tim Donst may very well continue climbing the singles ranks as he watched the BDK crumble underneath him. I'm not saying the BDK is done for. I'm saying that Donst is establishing his own singles career so he can stand on his own merits once the BDK does dissolve. Though it's tough to pick against Jigsaw, as he is one half of the Campeones de Parejas. Still, a win over Jigsaw would do wonders for Tim Donst's singles career. I'll pick Tim Donst to win and start stringing together singles wins.
The Colony (Soldier Ant and Fire Ant) vs. The BDK (Claudio Castagnoli and Tursas)
If you want to talk about a tall task for the Colony, look no further than the team presented to them on Sunday. Claudio is one of the hardest-hitting wrestlers out there, and Tursas...well, I'm pretty sure he weighs about as much as Soldier Ant and Fire Ant combined. The Colony has the support of the fans and Green Ant, but Claudio and Tursas have the rest of the BDK, and possibly referee Derek Sabato. A win for Claudio and Tursas could be the first step towards reclaiming the Campeonatos de Parejas (well, for Claudio at least). Both teams need as much momentum as possible leading to King of Trios, and a win here would definitely put one of these teams as one of the front-runners for making it to the finals. When it all comes down to it, I can't picture the Colony making it past the imposing duo of Claudio and Tursas. I'm picking the BDK to win.
Well, that's it, gentle readers. Two picks episodes in one. I hope you've enjoyed this super-sized edition of Rantables. But be sure to stay tuned, because in the next day or so I'll be giving my picks for WWE's Elimination Chamber PPV. Also, my thoughts on the host of Wrestlemania 27, and how it might have made me change my decision about my major announcement. So stick around, because there will be plenty more Rantables for everyone!
Let's start with Saturday's show, shall we? It's...
Caught in a Cauldron of Hate
3.0 vs. The UnStable
Both teams are looking to get back on the winning side, as neither have any points toward contention for the Campeones de Parejas. 3.0 is one of my favorite tag teams in CHIKARA (which is saying something since every tag team is awesome). Scott Parker and Shane Matthews are two talented and hilarious dudes, and they put up a hell of a fight against the BDK last year, actually being the first team to gain a pinfall in a championship match over Ares and Claudio Castagnoli during the latter's nine month title reign. Meanwhile, the UnStable has become more focused than ever after Colin Delaney Olsen left the team to reunite with his brother, Jimmy. Vin Gerard and STIGMA are looking to climb the ranks again. Both Matthews and Gerard have vastly improved over the past year, and they should definitely put on a good show. Every time I see Shane Matthews about ready to call out a headscissors, I mark out like crazy, because despite calling out a move very loudly, it still works every time. If this is the first match of the nine match card, I will definitely be happy to watch it when it comes out on DVD. But I have to remember that this is also a picks episode, and I think that when it comes right down to it, the Unstoppable Beast and the Miserable Malcontent have a slight advantage in that they're totally willing to cheat to win. I'll pick The UnStable to win and pick up their first point.
Gregory Iron vs. Icarus
There was one award I neglected to give out during the Golden Rantie Awards last year, and that was for the Most Inspirational Wrestler of the Year. That award goes to Gregory Iron. For his story, I'll link you to his recent blog post on CHIKARA's website. The man put on one hell of a show at the Young Lion's Cup against Lince Dorado and Tursas, taking the former to his limit on Night 2 and sadly getting crushed by the latter on Night 3. But Iron is a great talent and has shown that you can fulfill your dreams if you work hard enough. Now he has to face Icarus, possibly the most hated man on the CHIKARA roster for reasons I do not know since I've only been watching the product for about ten months. Believe me, if I had several thousand dollars, I'd buy the entire back library of CHIKARA just so I could make myself totally acquainted with the product. But I do not have that kind of money. When I do, though...look out, Smart Mark Video, cause you're going to have a huge order on your hands! Where was I? Oh, yes, the match. I would love to see Greg Iron become a regular member of the CHIKARA roster, but to do that, he needs to start winning matches. And what better way to start with a victory over a CHIKARA Generation 1 member like Icarus? I'm going with my heart over my brain this time. I'm picking Gregory Iron to win this match. It should be damn good.
Max Boyer vs. Tim Donst
I don't really remember seeing much of Max Boyer before, but I would imagine that since he's facing Eddie Kingston on Sunday, he's got to be a pretty good competitor. Both Boyer and Donst are former Young Lions Cup champions, so you know they've got some talent in them. Donst went undefeated in his reign as the YLC champ, and whether you want to admit it or not, the kid's getting better every time he steps in the ring. Tim Donst is how I wish Jack Swagger had turned out. Donst is like Swagger, only with talent. Anyway, with the BDK seemingly splintering before our very eyes, Donst may make a move towards the World Championship that is being created. I wish I knew more about Boyer to give a better analysis of this match, but I am in the dark right now. So I'll have to go with the guy I know more about, as much as it pains me to do so: Tim Donst wins.
Sugar Dunkerton vs. Brodie Lee
The rivalry between the Throwbacks and the Roughnecks continues its escalation. Last month, the Roughnecks picked up a victory over the Old Timey King of Swing and the Boisterous Ball Hog. I'm betting the Roughnecks were even more heated for that match when the ring announcer, Gavin Loudspeaker, accidentally called them the Throwbacks during their entrance. This feud is getting really hot, and it shows no signs of stopping. These teams have been trading wins back and forth for the past couple of months, with neither team gaining an advantage. Saturday, though, I think will be the beginning of one team gaining the upper hand. Brodie Lee is a tough guy to pick against, what with his big boot that could knock probably break cinderblocks and an attitude that most men would fear. But Sugar Dunkerton is not one to back down from a fight. Still, I'm betting the bigger man gets the dupe this time. Brodie Lee is my pick to win this match, and the tide in this feud will shift to the Roughnecks.
The Colony vs. The Osirian Portal
Last year's King of Trios runners-up face the newly re-minted trio in a "Tecnico Trios Tussle" as the website puts it. After nearly six months, The Colony is whole again, as Green Ant finally returns from a broken arm (courtesy of Battlarts member Keita Yano) he suffered during the Young Lions Cup tournament last year. Soldier Ant and Fire Ant are riding high after a Quatros (a term I'm just now coining) match last month with Jigsaw and Mike Quackenbush against the BDK, and with Green Ant back in the picture, they are as formidable a trio as any in the world. However, the Osirian Portal, who have been a duo for quite some time, are a trio once again with the former Jonathan Gresham, now known as Hieracon, joining the group. Both of these trios have been entered in the 2011 King of Trios tournament. Could this be a preview of one of the later matches, even the finals? Quite possibly. The Portal is riding high after their victory over F.I.S.T. last month, and with Hieracon, they look as strong as ever. But you can never count The Colony out. The only reason they didn't win King of Trios last year is because the BDK got in their way No matter what happens in April, this is going to be an epic encounter. Both teams are major fan favorites, and both teams are supremely talented. This could come close to being the match of the night. But who will win? Green Ant's return will definitely spur The Colony on, but Hieracon's addition to the Portal might put them at the top of the trios division in CHIKARA. It's a tough decision, but I'm going to have to pick The Osirian Portal to win this awesome match. They just have too much momentum right now for me to think they'll lose before King of Trios 2011.
Dasher Hatfield vs. Claudio Castagnoli
This is definitely an intriguing match-up, as these two have never faced off one-on-one before. Both men are embroiled in feuds that have nothing to do with each other, and that could bring about a lot of distraction on both men's parts. Dasher has the Roughnecks at the forefront of his mind, and Claudio is still waging war on the rest of CHIKARA. I would imagine that these distractions will lead to one of these men losing the match. With the World Championship announcement, I would have to believe that Claudio Castagnoli is a front-runner to challenge for this new title, and maybe this will be a warm-up for him. I think Dasher's involvement with the Roughnecks will be his downfall, as he won't be able to keep his focus on his opponent. Claudio Castagnoli wins this match and gets some momentum going for King of Trios and the eventual World Championship.
Eddie Kingston vs. Johnny Gargano
And speaking of World Title contenders, one cannot forget about The Last of a Dying Breed, Eddie Kingston. No one in CHIKARA has been on as much of a roll as Kingston over the past year, and it would be foolish to pick against him at a time like this. He's like the John Cena of CHIKARA, except Kingston is about ten times better (which isn't to say that Cena is bad; rather, it is to say that Kingston is that damn good). Now, I like Johnny Gargano. He's got all the potential in the world to be a truly great wrestler. But when he's matched up against a guy like Eddie Kingston, I feel kind of bad for Gargano. He's going to be absolutely steamrolled on Saturday. I'm picturing Kingston vs. Castagnoli in the final match for the new World Championship. Wouldn't that be a poetic end to their long-standing feud? I think it would be. But both men need to build momentum towards that epic encounter, and as such, I'm picking Eddie Kingston to win and pretty well destroy Johnny Gargano.
Young Lions Cup Championship Match - Frightmare (c) vs. Rich Swann
I wish I knew something about Rich Swann that would allow me to give good analysis for this match. But, sadly, I know nothing of this man. But I would think it is safe to say that if he is taking on Frightmare for the Young Lions Cup, he's got to be good. Frightmare has been an excellent Young Lions Cup champion, and I can't imagine his reign ending so soon. Nonetheless, this should be an excellent match. But I have to question whether Frightmare will be totally focused on Rich Swann since he is part of the UltraMantis Black vs. Sinn Bodhi feud, a feud that is gaining steam and intrigue with each passing show. Last month, it appeared that Bodhi and the Batiri had possibly struck an alliance with the BDK, but that has yet to be confirmed by any party. Now, UltraMantis, Hallowicked, and Frightmare are waist-deep in this feud, with no signs of slowing down. Hopefully, Frightmare will be able to keep what little measure of composure he has in order to retain the Young Lions Cup. I'll pick Frightmare to win and retain the YLC, though his grasp on it is more tenuous than I thought it was a month ago.
Campeonatos de Parejas Match - "Lightning" Mike Quackenbush and Jigsaw (c's) vs. The Batiri (Obariyon and Kodama)
Six months ago, Obariyon made his debut. I gave him the Rookie of the Year award. Kodama debuted a month after Obariyon. I will not be giving him any awards. These two have been pushed to the top of the company so quickly I'm a little surprised by it. Still, they are definitely a good pair to work for Sinn Bodhi. But are they ready for the Campeonatos de Parejas? I honestly can't see Jigsaw and Quackenbush dropping the titles here. Bodhi's feud with UltraMantis Black is still only in its infancy, and giving him too much power too quickly would seem a little overwhelming. Unless, of course, Bodhi is in collusion with the BDK, in which case it would be tough to side against the Batiri. Still, Jigsaw and Quackenbush have overcome incredible odds to become the Campeones, and dropping them just two months after winning them would feel like a hollow victory. And, on a more technical note, I still feel like Kodama is not ready for the spotlight. He's probably the most botch-prone member of the CHIKARA roster, including an ugly botch at the last show where he executed Hallowicked's step-up headscissors very poorly and injured his (Kodama's) shoulder. It looked awful. Obariyon is ready for the main roster, no question. But I just feel like Kodama could use a few more months of training before he'll be really ready. It feels like they kind of rushed him into the gimmick and the story before he was really ready to go. For that reason, I am going to pick Mike Quackenbush and Jigsaw to retain the Campeonatos de Parejas. It isn't the Batiri's time yet..
So there you have it: picks for Caught in a Cauldron of Hate. Now, for Part Two of this Mega-Sized Episode, picks for...
Clutch of Doom
Ophidian vs. Icarus
Man, when was the last time Icarus had two singles matches in a row? I certainly can't remember. Of course, I've only been following CHIKARA for ten months, so it could have happened before I started watching. Both F.I.S.T. and the Osirian Portal are competing in King of Trios 2011, so this match will probably help the momentum of one of these teams. But, as I stated earlier, the Portal is riding a wave of momentum the likes of which I haven't seen in a while. Well, other than Eddie Kingston's wave of momentum. If you haven't seen the video that made the Portal a viral sensation, I'll post it right here:
If ever there was a promotion that made me suspend my disbelief, it's CHIKARA (or, in this case, the Osirian Portal in CZW). I can't see the Portal's momentum slowing down any time soon. I'll pick Ophidian to win.
The Throwbacks vs. The UnStable
Similar to what I've been discussing in this episode, the Throwbacks probably won't be focused on this match or their opponents, whom I picked to win against 3.0 on Saturday. The blood feud the Throwbacks are embroiled in with the Roughnecks will likely be too much to allow them to focus on the UnStable. What does this mean? It means that the UnStable may very well reach a little closer to a title match. I wouldn't even be surprised if Brodie Lee and/or Grizzly Redwood make an appearance during this match just to screw the Throwbacks over. I'm picking The UnStable to win and pick up their second point, leaving them just one point shy of earning a title shot.
Madison Eagles vs. Sara Del Rey
I wasn't a big fan of Madison's match against Daizee Haze last month. It felt like Madison was too large for Daizee to work with, even though Daizee's been working matches against guys twice her size for some time now. I'm hoping that Sara Del Rey will match up better with Madison. Sara is definitely one of the best wrestlers in the world right now, male or female. Do toe ladies of the BDK gain a clean sweep over Madison Eagles? I'm not so sure. Daizee's win felt almost a little like a fluke victory, and even though Sara should match up more equally with Madison, I think that may be to Sara's disadvantage. Still, when you're backed by the BDK, there's always a good chance you'll win no matter what. If Derek Sabato's the referee for this match, Sara's chances of winning to up significantly. But I think that Madison could very well pull off a victory here. I'm picking Madison Eagles to win in what I'd consider a small upset.
Four Corner Elimination Match - The Osirian Portal (Amasis/Hieracon) vs. 3.0 vs. the BDK (Delirious/Daizee Haze) vs. Los Ice Creams
With this style of match, one team could walk out of Easton, PA with the three points necessary to challenge Mike Quackenbush and Jigsaw for the Campeonatos de Parejas. In fact, that's how Quack and Jig got their three points to challenge the BDK last year. But will any of these teams get all three points in this match? My gut says no. I'm pretty sure we can count Los Ice Creams out of the running immediately, despite how hilarious they are. 3.0 might bet a pinfall, but the chances of them winning the match are slim with the Osirian Portal and the BDK standing in their way. So that leaves us with two teams. And I hate to sound like a broken record, but the Portal's got all the momentum and the crowds in their corner. I don't think they can be stopped right now. They may only get one point out of it, but I'm picking The Osirian Portal to win this match and have yet another team start their path to the Campeonatos.
Eddie Kingston vs. Max Boyer
Johnny Gargano won't be able to stop the War King. Neither will Max Boyer. Eddie Kingston will not stop until he's beaten Claudio Castagnoli to within an inch of his life. It doesn't matter who is put in front of him, because Eddie Kingston will decimate anyone and everyone until he gets to Claudio. Eddie Kingston wins this match.
UltraMantis Black, Hallowicked, and Frightmare vs. The Batiri (Obariyon, Kodama, and Kobald)
Here is another reason why I don't believe the Batiri will defeat Quack and Jig on Saturday: they have a trios match the next night against their bitter rivals, UltraMantis Black and Incoherence, and I can't see them walking into Easton as the Campeones de Parejas. This will be the first time we will see the strange creature known as Kobald in action, so he is definitely a wild card in this match. UMB, Hallowicked, and Frightmare make a formidable trio, one I would consider nigh unbeatable in CHIKARA. But the Batiri have Sinn Bodhi at their side, and there's a damn good chance they will get back on a winning streak after Saturday's predicted loss. Both Incoherence and UltraMantis lost their matches last month to the Batiri, so I think they'll get a measure of revenge on Sunday. However, Sinn Bodhi's possible alliance with the BDK may lead to some unexpected interference, and I think The Batiri will pick up the victory. This might be a bitter pill to swallow, but the Batiri are on a roll, and I bet they'll make a big splash at King of Trios this year.
Jigsaw vs. Tim Donst
This match is kind of a summary of last season: one of the CHIKARA faithful facing off against a member of the nefarious Bruderschaft des Kreuzes. Jigsaw is still coming off some injuries, so he'll likely not be at 100%, especially after his match Saturday night against the Batiri. Tim Donst may very well continue climbing the singles ranks as he watched the BDK crumble underneath him. I'm not saying the BDK is done for. I'm saying that Donst is establishing his own singles career so he can stand on his own merits once the BDK does dissolve. Though it's tough to pick against Jigsaw, as he is one half of the Campeones de Parejas. Still, a win over Jigsaw would do wonders for Tim Donst's singles career. I'll pick Tim Donst to win and start stringing together singles wins.
The Colony (Soldier Ant and Fire Ant) vs. The BDK (Claudio Castagnoli and Tursas)
If you want to talk about a tall task for the Colony, look no further than the team presented to them on Sunday. Claudio is one of the hardest-hitting wrestlers out there, and Tursas...well, I'm pretty sure he weighs about as much as Soldier Ant and Fire Ant combined. The Colony has the support of the fans and Green Ant, but Claudio and Tursas have the rest of the BDK, and possibly referee Derek Sabato. A win for Claudio and Tursas could be the first step towards reclaiming the Campeonatos de Parejas (well, for Claudio at least). Both teams need as much momentum as possible leading to King of Trios, and a win here would definitely put one of these teams as one of the front-runners for making it to the finals. When it all comes down to it, I can't picture the Colony making it past the imposing duo of Claudio and Tursas. I'm picking the BDK to win.
Well, that's it, gentle readers. Two picks episodes in one. I hope you've enjoyed this super-sized edition of Rantables. But be sure to stay tuned, because in the next day or so I'll be giving my picks for WWE's Elimination Chamber PPV. Also, my thoughts on the host of Wrestlemania 27, and how it might have made me change my decision about my major announcement. So stick around, because there will be plenty more Rantables for everyone!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Episode 8 - Percolating Thoughts on the Royal Rumble
Well, now that I've had a few days to digest the Royal Rumble and the subsequent Raw, I believe it's time for a review of sorts.
Edge defeats Dolph Ziggler to retain the World Heavyweight Championship
When I look back at the Rumble Pay-Per-View as a whole, in terms of matches in their entirety, this was by far the best match of the night. Edge and Ziggler fought tooth and nail for over twenty minutes, with plenty of twists and turns along the way. Playing up the fact that the spear was banned only made me wonder more how Edge would claim victory (since I did pick him to retain the title). Besides using a different finisher (which happened anyway), the ending was about the only way I could see Edge being able to use the spear to assist with a victory. With both the referee and Vickie Guerrero knocked out, Edge took his opportunity and hit Ziggler with the spear, then, as an homage to his former storyline brother/now best friend Christian, finished Ziggler off with an Unprettier (I refuse to call it by its new WWE name, the Kill Switch). Also, props to Matt Striker for forgetting to call it the Kill Switch, though I'm not sure he deserves props for likely screwing up the name of the finisher. All in all, this was an excellent match, and really the best chance of starting the PPV with a bang.
The Miz defeats Randy Orton to retain the WWE Championship
Two World Title matches, two dirty finishes. Except in this match, the Nexus was involved in the foul play. With the four underlings distracting the referee, Orton tossed Alex Riley, Miz's lackey, over the top rope and into the Nexus, taking them all out. But what really confused me was how the referee took his bump, falling away from the Nexus well before Riley landed on them, and acting as though he'd been hit with a sledgehammer to the gut. This allowed CM Punk to show up, hit Orton with a GTS (after Orton had hit Miz with an RKO) and drag Miz onto Orton's prone body, where the ref counted the pinfall. The match itself was okay, but when you have The Miz in a main event, you're not going to get as high quality a match as you would with a Rey Mysterio or an Undertaker. He's just not good in the ring. Orton is fairly "meh" himself. And, unless I completely missed something, no explanation was given as to why the Nexus interfered in the match, either at the PPV or on Raw the next night. I'll make one up: CM Punk figured that he was a shoe-in to win the Royal Rumble match, so he attempted to assure that he would be facing a weaker opponent at Wrestlemania by helping Miz win. But I suppose we'll never know. Just like when the Nexus interfered in the Buried Alive match between Kane and the Undertaker last year. No explanation given. I guess they just felt like it.
Eve Torres defeats Nattie Neidhart, Michelle McCool, and Layla to become the NEW Diva's Champion
I do believe we can toss this pick out since no one was in the know about Eve being added to this match. It was still a pretty decent WWE women's match, for what it's worth. I read a report that Amazing Kong was backstage, both at the Rumble and at Raw the next night, and I was praying that she would debut during either this match or the tag team match on Raw the next night. Alas, I was again disappointed. Wouldn't the tag match have been the perfect time for her to debut on WWE programming, just appearing and destroying all four women? It would have been awesome, I think.
Alberto Del Rio wins the Royal Rumble Match
I suppose when a wrestler talks about something being his destiny, you bet on it happening. Yes, I realize picking John Morrison to win was about as insane as picking Kofi Kingston to win it, but hey, I had to have one crazy pick that obviously wouldn't happen. I will say one thing, though: the first half of the Rumble match was easily the best half of any Rumble match I've ever seen. Of course, it also happened to have the talented half of the roster entirely contained within it. I'm sure seeing CM Punk and Daniel Bryan Danielson start the match and beat the shit out of each other was every Internet fan's wet dream match. Let's go through the match quickly (or about as quickly as I can be):
John Morrison had probably the most spectacular spot of the night, when he was knocked off the ring apron but hit the barricade and clung to it like Spider-Man. He hoisted himself to the top of the barricade, did a little balancing act, and leaped from the barricade to the steel steps at the corner of the ring. Truly amazing stuff.
Chavo Guerrero hitting nine consecutive suplexes on four different men was awesome in and of itself, and he got a pretty good crowd pop for it.
Watching Tyler Reks get tossed out in about ten seconds made me smile from ear to ear.
Seeing the Great Khali return made me cry. The man can barely walk now. He reminds me of Kevin Nash.
I will freely admit that I got a little nostalgic when Booker T's music hit, and he came down to the ring just like old times. Thankfully WWE Creative decided not to revive the King Booker gimmick, which, while funny at times, was on the whole more annoying than entertaining. Sure, he got dumped out in about a minute, but he hit all his signature moves and got a huge crowd reaction when he did the Spin-a-roonie. I marked out for that.
Unfortunately, the match took a turn for the worse after Booker's elimination, as John Cena came in, cleaned house, and eliminated the four remaining members of Nexus and teamed up with...sigh...Hornswoggle for way too long.
Speaking of Nash, he also made a return to the WWE under his Diesel gimmick. While I wasn't as enthused as I was about Booker T's return, the crowd in Boston sure loved seeing Nash. I was surprised he got such an enormous crowd reaction. I think it was the biggest reaction of the night. And, as I figured, he was eliminated the only way a 50 year old man with wet noodles for legs can be: by missing a big boot, getting crotched on the top rope, and having someone shove him to the floor.
Looking at the roster of the Royal Rumble match, it appears that several people who were named as participants did not, in fact, participate. Darren Young, David Hart Smith, and Primo were nowhere to be seen. And who were the nine unannounced entrants? Chavo Guerrero, Tyler Reks, The Great Khali, Booker T, Hornswoggle, Dolph Ziggler (HUH?), Kevil "Diesel" Nash, Alex Riley, and Randy Orton (BWAH?). So we have two total jobbers, a two giants with no knees between them, a midget, a lackey, the two guys who lost their respective World Title matches earlier in the show, and an old black guy. Awesome. Obviously, none of the people I picked to appear did, though I still think that, if nothing else, Triple H should have returned to eliminate Sheamus. Maybe he will at the Elimination Chamber PPV. Or maybe he'll never come back. Nah, he has a movie coming out, he has to return.
Now, if you'll look at the order of appearance, the only person in the first half of the Rumble that could be considered main event level talent is CM Punk. And since most main event-level talent in WWE is below average as far as in-ring talent goes, the second half of the Rumble was far inferior to the first half. Which is a shame, since you really want your shows to end on a high note instead of languishing in the doldrums of futility. Hey, that's a pretty good song lyric right there...anyway, the show was okay overall. The World Heavyweight Championship match was the best match on the show for sure.
Now, let's look at the two matches set up for the Elimination Chamber show in a couple of weeks. We have the Raw Elimination Chamber, which will determine the WWE Champion's opponent at Wrestlemania (since Alberto Del Rio chose to face the World Heavyweight Champion at Wrestlemania), and we have our WWE Championship match: The Miz vs. Jerry Lawler. Wow. I never would have expected Jerry Lawler to be main eventing a PPV in this day and age. I still must give the man credit: he can still work a match at 61, which is more than I can say for just about any other old wrestler currently out there (with the possible exceptions of Terry Funk and Johnny Saint (go look him up)). Though I was expecting him to be part of the Elimination Chamber and cede his spot to Triple H, which also would have been a fine way to reintroduce Triple H to WWE programming. But Creative has let that golden opportunity slip through their fingers. And we now have an Elimination Chamber match featuring John Cena, John Morrison, R-Truth, Randy Orton, Sheamus, and CM Punk. It's a (mostly) stacked match, but it's tough to imagine anyone other than Cena or Orton winning. Mostly because it's nigh impossible to imagine Jerry Lawler winning the WWE Championship and defending it in the main event at Wrestlemania.
Now, what remains to be seen is what purpose the Smackdown Elimination Chamber will serve. Will it be for the World Heavyweight Championship? Will it just be one for the hell of it? Or will there be one at all? I'm sure the answers will be revealed on Friday night.
Well, I suppose that will do it for Episode 8. On a much more positive note, I ordered CHIKARA's Season 10 opener, Chaos in the Sea of Lost Souls, today, so it should be arriving in the next few days, and I can give a full and proper review of it. So stay tuned for that one. I will catch you all next time!
Edge defeats Dolph Ziggler to retain the World Heavyweight Championship
When I look back at the Rumble Pay-Per-View as a whole, in terms of matches in their entirety, this was by far the best match of the night. Edge and Ziggler fought tooth and nail for over twenty minutes, with plenty of twists and turns along the way. Playing up the fact that the spear was banned only made me wonder more how Edge would claim victory (since I did pick him to retain the title). Besides using a different finisher (which happened anyway), the ending was about the only way I could see Edge being able to use the spear to assist with a victory. With both the referee and Vickie Guerrero knocked out, Edge took his opportunity and hit Ziggler with the spear, then, as an homage to his former storyline brother/now best friend Christian, finished Ziggler off with an Unprettier (I refuse to call it by its new WWE name, the Kill Switch). Also, props to Matt Striker for forgetting to call it the Kill Switch, though I'm not sure he deserves props for likely screwing up the name of the finisher. All in all, this was an excellent match, and really the best chance of starting the PPV with a bang.
The Miz defeats Randy Orton to retain the WWE Championship
Two World Title matches, two dirty finishes. Except in this match, the Nexus was involved in the foul play. With the four underlings distracting the referee, Orton tossed Alex Riley, Miz's lackey, over the top rope and into the Nexus, taking them all out. But what really confused me was how the referee took his bump, falling away from the Nexus well before Riley landed on them, and acting as though he'd been hit with a sledgehammer to the gut. This allowed CM Punk to show up, hit Orton with a GTS (after Orton had hit Miz with an RKO) and drag Miz onto Orton's prone body, where the ref counted the pinfall. The match itself was okay, but when you have The Miz in a main event, you're not going to get as high quality a match as you would with a Rey Mysterio or an Undertaker. He's just not good in the ring. Orton is fairly "meh" himself. And, unless I completely missed something, no explanation was given as to why the Nexus interfered in the match, either at the PPV or on Raw the next night. I'll make one up: CM Punk figured that he was a shoe-in to win the Royal Rumble match, so he attempted to assure that he would be facing a weaker opponent at Wrestlemania by helping Miz win. But I suppose we'll never know. Just like when the Nexus interfered in the Buried Alive match between Kane and the Undertaker last year. No explanation given. I guess they just felt like it.
Eve Torres defeats Nattie Neidhart, Michelle McCool, and Layla to become the NEW Diva's Champion
I do believe we can toss this pick out since no one was in the know about Eve being added to this match. It was still a pretty decent WWE women's match, for what it's worth. I read a report that Amazing Kong was backstage, both at the Rumble and at Raw the next night, and I was praying that she would debut during either this match or the tag team match on Raw the next night. Alas, I was again disappointed. Wouldn't the tag match have been the perfect time for her to debut on WWE programming, just appearing and destroying all four women? It would have been awesome, I think.
Alberto Del Rio wins the Royal Rumble Match
I suppose when a wrestler talks about something being his destiny, you bet on it happening. Yes, I realize picking John Morrison to win was about as insane as picking Kofi Kingston to win it, but hey, I had to have one crazy pick that obviously wouldn't happen. I will say one thing, though: the first half of the Rumble match was easily the best half of any Rumble match I've ever seen. Of course, it also happened to have the talented half of the roster entirely contained within it. I'm sure seeing CM Punk and Daniel Bryan Danielson start the match and beat the shit out of each other was every Internet fan's wet dream match. Let's go through the match quickly (or about as quickly as I can be):
John Morrison had probably the most spectacular spot of the night, when he was knocked off the ring apron but hit the barricade and clung to it like Spider-Man. He hoisted himself to the top of the barricade, did a little balancing act, and leaped from the barricade to the steel steps at the corner of the ring. Truly amazing stuff.
Chavo Guerrero hitting nine consecutive suplexes on four different men was awesome in and of itself, and he got a pretty good crowd pop for it.
Watching Tyler Reks get tossed out in about ten seconds made me smile from ear to ear.
Seeing the Great Khali return made me cry. The man can barely walk now. He reminds me of Kevin Nash.
I will freely admit that I got a little nostalgic when Booker T's music hit, and he came down to the ring just like old times. Thankfully WWE Creative decided not to revive the King Booker gimmick, which, while funny at times, was on the whole more annoying than entertaining. Sure, he got dumped out in about a minute, but he hit all his signature moves and got a huge crowd reaction when he did the Spin-a-roonie. I marked out for that.
Unfortunately, the match took a turn for the worse after Booker's elimination, as John Cena came in, cleaned house, and eliminated the four remaining members of Nexus and teamed up with...sigh...Hornswoggle for way too long.
Speaking of Nash, he also made a return to the WWE under his Diesel gimmick. While I wasn't as enthused as I was about Booker T's return, the crowd in Boston sure loved seeing Nash. I was surprised he got such an enormous crowd reaction. I think it was the biggest reaction of the night. And, as I figured, he was eliminated the only way a 50 year old man with wet noodles for legs can be: by missing a big boot, getting crotched on the top rope, and having someone shove him to the floor.
Looking at the roster of the Royal Rumble match, it appears that several people who were named as participants did not, in fact, participate. Darren Young, David Hart Smith, and Primo were nowhere to be seen. And who were the nine unannounced entrants? Chavo Guerrero, Tyler Reks, The Great Khali, Booker T, Hornswoggle, Dolph Ziggler (HUH?), Kevil "Diesel" Nash, Alex Riley, and Randy Orton (BWAH?). So we have two total jobbers, a two giants with no knees between them, a midget, a lackey, the two guys who lost their respective World Title matches earlier in the show, and an old black guy. Awesome. Obviously, none of the people I picked to appear did, though I still think that, if nothing else, Triple H should have returned to eliminate Sheamus. Maybe he will at the Elimination Chamber PPV. Or maybe he'll never come back. Nah, he has a movie coming out, he has to return.
Now, if you'll look at the order of appearance, the only person in the first half of the Rumble that could be considered main event level talent is CM Punk. And since most main event-level talent in WWE is below average as far as in-ring talent goes, the second half of the Rumble was far inferior to the first half. Which is a shame, since you really want your shows to end on a high note instead of languishing in the doldrums of futility. Hey, that's a pretty good song lyric right there...anyway, the show was okay overall. The World Heavyweight Championship match was the best match on the show for sure.
Now, let's look at the two matches set up for the Elimination Chamber show in a couple of weeks. We have the Raw Elimination Chamber, which will determine the WWE Champion's opponent at Wrestlemania (since Alberto Del Rio chose to face the World Heavyweight Champion at Wrestlemania), and we have our WWE Championship match: The Miz vs. Jerry Lawler. Wow. I never would have expected Jerry Lawler to be main eventing a PPV in this day and age. I still must give the man credit: he can still work a match at 61, which is more than I can say for just about any other old wrestler currently out there (with the possible exceptions of Terry Funk and Johnny Saint (go look him up)). Though I was expecting him to be part of the Elimination Chamber and cede his spot to Triple H, which also would have been a fine way to reintroduce Triple H to WWE programming. But Creative has let that golden opportunity slip through their fingers. And we now have an Elimination Chamber match featuring John Cena, John Morrison, R-Truth, Randy Orton, Sheamus, and CM Punk. It's a (mostly) stacked match, but it's tough to imagine anyone other than Cena or Orton winning. Mostly because it's nigh impossible to imagine Jerry Lawler winning the WWE Championship and defending it in the main event at Wrestlemania.
Now, what remains to be seen is what purpose the Smackdown Elimination Chamber will serve. Will it be for the World Heavyweight Championship? Will it just be one for the hell of it? Or will there be one at all? I'm sure the answers will be revealed on Friday night.
Well, I suppose that will do it for Episode 8. On a much more positive note, I ordered CHIKARA's Season 10 opener, Chaos in the Sea of Lost Souls, today, so it should be arriving in the next few days, and I can give a full and proper review of it. So stay tuned for that one. I will catch you all next time!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Episode 7 - Royal Rumble Picks
Unfortunately, CHIKARA's latest show has not yet been released on DVD, so you'll have to wait a bit longer for a review of it. So instead I bring you what will probably end up being a fairly short picks episode to cover the Royal Rumble.
I'll be frank here: I have been almost completely disappointed with the WWE product over the past few months. Storylines have been moving far too quickly, and despite the new faces at the top of the Raw and Smackdown rosters, everything still feels the same as it's been for the past five years. The fact that I can't remember what happens from week to week is indicative that the shows are not memorable (and have nothing at all to do with my horrible memory). And because the product has been so poor, I fell far behind and have had to work to catch up, which only made me have to watch more of it over a shorter period of time. It was unpleasant. Just today, I watched the second half of last week's Smackdown and this week's Raw and Smackdown. I gave up on NXT a while ago, and haven't watched Superstars in weeks since nothing important ever happens on that show. So I think it's safe to say that today was difficult for me. But I made it, and have just finished watching this past Friday's episode of Smackdown, which despite all its flaws, had a fantastic promo by Cody Rhodes. I hope he continues to deliver promos with his back turned to the camera.
And so that brings me to the Royal Rumble. This year, WWE decided to knock the Rumble match itself up a notch by increasing the number of participants from 30 to 40. Whether each man enters at the same time interval as they used to remains in question, but if it's the same two minutes as before, we're looking at a match that will be a minimum of 76 minutes. And with only three other matches on the card, I'm betting we're either getting a bonus match or the Rumble match will last over 80 minutes. I hope someone goes the distance. Working an 80 minute match is unheard of nowadays...well, in mainstream "sports entertainment" it is. I hope the #1 or #2 entrant goes all the way to the end. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's look at the other matches on the card.
Two on One Handicap Diva's Championship Match - Natalya (c) vs. LayCool
Dear sweet jesus in heaven, I am sick of LayCool. I would wish death upon them, but that would mean death would have to deal with them afterward, and I can't put that burden upon him. I do not know how this gimmick has lasted this long. Every word out of their mouths is a hailstorm of displeasure, like nails on a chalkboard, like aluminum foil being chewed. Every second they speak feels like I'm being forced to listen to huge styrofoam blocks being rubbed together for hours on end. It's like having to watch Dane Cook do stand-up comedy. Yeah, it's that bad. How WWE hasn't been bombarded by negative feedback by all the women's rights groups out there is beyond me. Unless, of course, they have been and are keeping quiet about the issue. What? There's a match? Oh, right. Natalya wins.
World Heavyweight Championship Match - Edge (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler
Vickie Guerrero, the hideous monstrosity of WWE programming, has banned Edge from using the spear. You know what that means: Edge will find a new way to win. Like most "feuds" WWE puts out these days, this came entirely out of nowhere, akin to referees appearing out of hammerspace whenever something goes down backstage. Zlggler lost the Intercontinental Championship to Kofi Kingston (I still question that decision, though I realize now that Kofi will never move to main event status in WWE), was put in a #1 Contender's Match, and squeaked through with a victory. This after the awful end to the Intercontinental Title Ladder Match at TLC makes for some serious head scratching. Why Ziggler? Why now? Why did Kane disappear for so long after the Last Man Standing match with Edge? What about everyone else in the main event on Smackdown? Oh, right...there isn't anyone else! Rey Mysterio and Alberto Del Rio are stuck in a never-ending feud that may rival the infinite feud between Robert Roode and Eric Young a few years back on TNA. When they had their two out of three falls match, the announcers were claiming it would be the end of their rivalry. Yet here we are, weeks later, and they're still facing off, albeit in tag team matches. Still, it feels like they'll never be rid of each other, which is a detriment to Del Rio. Mysterio is such a great worker, what will happen when Del Rio has to work against a less talented opponent? Will he succeed or flounder?
Okay, I got waaaaaay off topic there. Anyway, while this feud does have some interesting ties to the past, what with Edge and Vickie being married and all, it still involves Vickie Guerrero, who you would think by now would be able to deliver her promos without making it sound like she's saying words written by someone else in a very deliberate manner. She has no charisma. It's like how Michael Cole reads his GM announcements from a piece of paper laying on the laptop keyboard. That's what every Vickie Guerrero promo sounds like: as though she's reading from a piece of paper and hasn't memorized her lines. Once again, I've gone way off topic. I apologize. Is it Ziggler's time? Had Vickie not banned the spear, I would say maybe. But because she banned Edge's finisher, there is no doubt that he'll find another way to win. And he will. Edge wins and retains the World Heavyweight Championship.
WWE Championship - The Miz (c) vs. Randy Orton
Snore. That's all I have to say. You know my thoughts on The Miz (please go read Episode 1 if you haven't already), and Orton has bored me for years. I have other thoughts on Orton and Miz which I will save for an episode I will be publishing very soon. Anyway, I feel like this match should be Miz vs. Morrison. I think Creative blew their load too early when they had Miz vs. Morrison just a week after Morrison became the #1 Contender. And while the match itself was pretty good, I think it would have been better as a Pay-Per-View match instead of being broadcast on free TV. Well, not really free TV since most people pay for cable or a satellite dish. I'm still of the mindset that Miz vs. Morrison could have been a great feud, but that ship has sailed and I'm going to just grit my teeth, sigh, and move on. I feel like this is going to be the most predictable match of the night. Miz will lose by disqualification and keep the WWE Title, as is usually the case when you have a wimpy character for a champion. Rather coincidentally, just as Randy Orton himself did in 2009 with Legacy. Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase would always ruin any title match Orton was in just so he could keep the title. And Miz is getting similar results with Alex Riley by his side and Michael Cole allowing Miz to put his wang dang doodle in Cole's bumhole on a nightly basis. What? The match? I already said it: Randy Orton wins by disqualification, and The Miz keeps the WWE Title.
The Royal Rumble Match
Let's look at the participants, shall we? By the way, I won't be reading spoilers for the few spots left in the match.
Who can I immediately take out of contention for winning this match? Let's go through the list...Chris Masters, Darren Young, DH Smith, Drew McIntyre, Jack Swagger, JTG, Mark Henry, Primo, R-Truth, Santino Marella, Ted DiBiase, Tyson Kidd (what happened to his bodyguard?), Vlad Kozlov, William Regal, Yoshi Tatsu, and Zack Ryder. We can also eliminate every member of Nexus and The Corre besides CM Punk and Wade Barrett. So we've removed 23 names already. 17 left. Six spots are apparently left open for now, so we've got 11 names to go through.
Alberto Del Rio - he's been on both Raw and Smackdown for weeks, claiming that winning the Royal Rumble is his destiny. The fact that he's on both shows proves that there is no separation between said shows anymore. Everyone can travel wherever they want, whenever they want. Anyway, Del Rio should have a strong showing, but I don't think he'll be winning the Rumble this year.
Big Show - as he stated on Smackdown this past Friday, he's never won the Rumble match, mostly because a half dozen guys team up to eliminate him every year. Will this be his year? I doubt it. Show is nearing 40, and while he's still a consummate entertainer, I don't think he has much in-ring time left. I do enjoy his promos as a face very much, but having him as a face world champion just doesn't feel like something I could get behind. Now, I wouldn't mind seeing him in an authority role, say, as a GM? Probably later down the road.
CM Punk - Punk has a really good chance of winning the Rumble match this year, with four men working to make sure he's the victor. Harris, McGillicutty, Otunga, and the Welsh Scott Steiner, Mason Ryan, will all be fending off all comers. Though I'd expect a brawl between Nexus and The Corre at some point with a flurry of eliminations coming from that potential feud that just feels like the NWO all over again...but I digress. I wouldn't be surprised to see Punk in the final four.
Daniel Bryan Danielson - I mostly just didn't want to lump him in with the other obvious losers. Hell, if it were up to me, DBD would win this and go destroy Miz at Wrestlemania. Hey, if that happens, I'll give Creative credit. But because it's a GOOD idea, it won't happen. Still, I'd love to see DBD beat the crap out of some fools, and I'm sure plenty of other IWC smarks would love to see it too. Side note: nice job getting Gail Kim as your (I'm guessing only) on-screen girlfriend. Kudos to you, good sir.
John Cena - Like every other match he's ever involved in, it's hard to discount Cena's chances of winning the Royal Rumble. He won it a couple of years ago, and as always, has a good chance of winning. But with nine men gunning for his removal from the match, his chances this year are probably significantly lower than they are most years. Still, I'd expect him to toss some Nexus and/or Corre members out of the match before getting tossed by Punk and/or Barrett. Final four? Maybe. Winner? Doubtful.
John Morrison - He's here for the same reason DBD is: because I didn't want him to be lumped in with the obvious losers. Morrison needs a revamp of his character, because it's stagnant. Of course, with his possible knee injury sustained on Raw, he may not even be in the match, let alone compete for an extended period of time. He doesn't have a chance of winning, but hey, we can dream, right?
Kane - Returning from a month-long absence only to kick Alberto Del Rio's head off and leave will only make Kane a more dangerous competitor this year. Kane is always dominant in the Royal Rumble, and I'm hoping he breaks his own record for most eliminations in a single Rumble match. That being said, he won't win the match, as his feud with Edge was atrocious at best, and I can't see him facing Miz at Wrestlemania. I couldn't call that a main event even if you paid me...well, unless you paid me a LOT of money...
Kofi Kingston - Same boat as DBD and Morrison. Also, why no Intercontinental or United States Championship matches? I am disappointed. I've all but given up on Kofi moving to the main event in WWE. Since Vince is apparently afraid to pull the trigger, he'll languish in the mid-card probably forever or until he quits and goes somewhere where his talents are appreciated.
Rey Mysterio - He has no chance of winning, but he'll probably stick around for a while and eliminate Del Rio, keeping their never-ending feud going for a few weeks more.
Sheamus - Also has no chance of winning, but he'll likely be eliminated by Triple H somehow, either by Hunter's return or a distraction of some sort. I don't know if he's actually returning, but there's no better place to make your triumphant return than at the Royal Rumble.
Wade Barrett - He'll probably be in the same boat as CM Punk. Will he make it to the final four? That I do not know.
As to the six remaining unnamed participants, one can only speculate as to who they may be...that, or read the spoilers. I am not one to read spoilers (except for TNA, because they make me laugh so much). So I'll make my own speculations as to who may fill the final six spots.
Triple H - After nine months without him, he'll come back to screw over Sheamus. It has to happen.
Christian - He's been gone for months, and I'm sure just about everyone in the IWC has missed him terribly. Will he return today? Let's hope so.
Jerry Lawler - Hey, he's been working matches for the past few weeks. Why not toss him in there?
Chris Jericho - This is a long shot, but I think his Fozzy tour is over and I bet he's itching to get back into the ring.
Evan Bourne - Another long shot, since he's still not fully recovered from an injury he sustained last year. But hey, Edge came back months ahead of schedule, so it could happen with Bourne as well.
Tyler Black - Hey, why not?
But the question remains: who will win the Rumble? If I had to narrow it down to a final four, I'd say we'll have CM Punk, Wade Barrett, John Morrison, and Triple H. As to who wins? Jeez...you know what? What the hell, I'll pick John Morrison to win the Royal Rumble. I'm quite sure I'll be wrong, but hey, your guess is as good as mine.
So there you have it. That's the Royal Rumble in a nutshell. Not a fantastic show, but the Rumble Match could provide some fun moments. See you all later with a results/review episode!
I'll be frank here: I have been almost completely disappointed with the WWE product over the past few months. Storylines have been moving far too quickly, and despite the new faces at the top of the Raw and Smackdown rosters, everything still feels the same as it's been for the past five years. The fact that I can't remember what happens from week to week is indicative that the shows are not memorable (and have nothing at all to do with my horrible memory). And because the product has been so poor, I fell far behind and have had to work to catch up, which only made me have to watch more of it over a shorter period of time. It was unpleasant. Just today, I watched the second half of last week's Smackdown and this week's Raw and Smackdown. I gave up on NXT a while ago, and haven't watched Superstars in weeks since nothing important ever happens on that show. So I think it's safe to say that today was difficult for me. But I made it, and have just finished watching this past Friday's episode of Smackdown, which despite all its flaws, had a fantastic promo by Cody Rhodes. I hope he continues to deliver promos with his back turned to the camera.
And so that brings me to the Royal Rumble. This year, WWE decided to knock the Rumble match itself up a notch by increasing the number of participants from 30 to 40. Whether each man enters at the same time interval as they used to remains in question, but if it's the same two minutes as before, we're looking at a match that will be a minimum of 76 minutes. And with only three other matches on the card, I'm betting we're either getting a bonus match or the Rumble match will last over 80 minutes. I hope someone goes the distance. Working an 80 minute match is unheard of nowadays...well, in mainstream "sports entertainment" it is. I hope the #1 or #2 entrant goes all the way to the end. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's look at the other matches on the card.
Two on One Handicap Diva's Championship Match - Natalya (c) vs. LayCool
Dear sweet jesus in heaven, I am sick of LayCool. I would wish death upon them, but that would mean death would have to deal with them afterward, and I can't put that burden upon him. I do not know how this gimmick has lasted this long. Every word out of their mouths is a hailstorm of displeasure, like nails on a chalkboard, like aluminum foil being chewed. Every second they speak feels like I'm being forced to listen to huge styrofoam blocks being rubbed together for hours on end. It's like having to watch Dane Cook do stand-up comedy. Yeah, it's that bad. How WWE hasn't been bombarded by negative feedback by all the women's rights groups out there is beyond me. Unless, of course, they have been and are keeping quiet about the issue. What? There's a match? Oh, right. Natalya wins.
World Heavyweight Championship Match - Edge (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler
Vickie Guerrero, the hideous monstrosity of WWE programming, has banned Edge from using the spear. You know what that means: Edge will find a new way to win. Like most "feuds" WWE puts out these days, this came entirely out of nowhere, akin to referees appearing out of hammerspace whenever something goes down backstage. Zlggler lost the Intercontinental Championship to Kofi Kingston (I still question that decision, though I realize now that Kofi will never move to main event status in WWE), was put in a #1 Contender's Match, and squeaked through with a victory. This after the awful end to the Intercontinental Title Ladder Match at TLC makes for some serious head scratching. Why Ziggler? Why now? Why did Kane disappear for so long after the Last Man Standing match with Edge? What about everyone else in the main event on Smackdown? Oh, right...there isn't anyone else! Rey Mysterio and Alberto Del Rio are stuck in a never-ending feud that may rival the infinite feud between Robert Roode and Eric Young a few years back on TNA. When they had their two out of three falls match, the announcers were claiming it would be the end of their rivalry. Yet here we are, weeks later, and they're still facing off, albeit in tag team matches. Still, it feels like they'll never be rid of each other, which is a detriment to Del Rio. Mysterio is such a great worker, what will happen when Del Rio has to work against a less talented opponent? Will he succeed or flounder?
Okay, I got waaaaaay off topic there. Anyway, while this feud does have some interesting ties to the past, what with Edge and Vickie being married and all, it still involves Vickie Guerrero, who you would think by now would be able to deliver her promos without making it sound like she's saying words written by someone else in a very deliberate manner. She has no charisma. It's like how Michael Cole reads his GM announcements from a piece of paper laying on the laptop keyboard. That's what every Vickie Guerrero promo sounds like: as though she's reading from a piece of paper and hasn't memorized her lines. Once again, I've gone way off topic. I apologize. Is it Ziggler's time? Had Vickie not banned the spear, I would say maybe. But because she banned Edge's finisher, there is no doubt that he'll find another way to win. And he will. Edge wins and retains the World Heavyweight Championship.
WWE Championship - The Miz (c) vs. Randy Orton
Snore. That's all I have to say. You know my thoughts on The Miz (please go read Episode 1 if you haven't already), and Orton has bored me for years. I have other thoughts on Orton and Miz which I will save for an episode I will be publishing very soon. Anyway, I feel like this match should be Miz vs. Morrison. I think Creative blew their load too early when they had Miz vs. Morrison just a week after Morrison became the #1 Contender. And while the match itself was pretty good, I think it would have been better as a Pay-Per-View match instead of being broadcast on free TV. Well, not really free TV since most people pay for cable or a satellite dish. I'm still of the mindset that Miz vs. Morrison could have been a great feud, but that ship has sailed and I'm going to just grit my teeth, sigh, and move on. I feel like this is going to be the most predictable match of the night. Miz will lose by disqualification and keep the WWE Title, as is usually the case when you have a wimpy character for a champion. Rather coincidentally, just as Randy Orton himself did in 2009 with Legacy. Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase would always ruin any title match Orton was in just so he could keep the title. And Miz is getting similar results with Alex Riley by his side and Michael Cole allowing Miz to put his wang dang doodle in Cole's bumhole on a nightly basis. What? The match? I already said it: Randy Orton wins by disqualification, and The Miz keeps the WWE Title.
The Royal Rumble Match
Let's look at the participants, shall we? By the way, I won't be reading spoilers for the few spots left in the match.
Who can I immediately take out of contention for winning this match? Let's go through the list...Chris Masters, Darren Young, DH Smith, Drew McIntyre, Jack Swagger, JTG, Mark Henry, Primo, R-Truth, Santino Marella, Ted DiBiase, Tyson Kidd (what happened to his bodyguard?), Vlad Kozlov, William Regal, Yoshi Tatsu, and Zack Ryder. We can also eliminate every member of Nexus and The Corre besides CM Punk and Wade Barrett. So we've removed 23 names already. 17 left. Six spots are apparently left open for now, so we've got 11 names to go through.
Alberto Del Rio - he's been on both Raw and Smackdown for weeks, claiming that winning the Royal Rumble is his destiny. The fact that he's on both shows proves that there is no separation between said shows anymore. Everyone can travel wherever they want, whenever they want. Anyway, Del Rio should have a strong showing, but I don't think he'll be winning the Rumble this year.
Big Show - as he stated on Smackdown this past Friday, he's never won the Rumble match, mostly because a half dozen guys team up to eliminate him every year. Will this be his year? I doubt it. Show is nearing 40, and while he's still a consummate entertainer, I don't think he has much in-ring time left. I do enjoy his promos as a face very much, but having him as a face world champion just doesn't feel like something I could get behind. Now, I wouldn't mind seeing him in an authority role, say, as a GM? Probably later down the road.
CM Punk - Punk has a really good chance of winning the Rumble match this year, with four men working to make sure he's the victor. Harris, McGillicutty, Otunga, and the Welsh Scott Steiner, Mason Ryan, will all be fending off all comers. Though I'd expect a brawl between Nexus and The Corre at some point with a flurry of eliminations coming from that potential feud that just feels like the NWO all over again...but I digress. I wouldn't be surprised to see Punk in the final four.
Daniel Bryan Danielson - I mostly just didn't want to lump him in with the other obvious losers. Hell, if it were up to me, DBD would win this and go destroy Miz at Wrestlemania. Hey, if that happens, I'll give Creative credit. But because it's a GOOD idea, it won't happen. Still, I'd love to see DBD beat the crap out of some fools, and I'm sure plenty of other IWC smarks would love to see it too. Side note: nice job getting Gail Kim as your (I'm guessing only) on-screen girlfriend. Kudos to you, good sir.
John Cena - Like every other match he's ever involved in, it's hard to discount Cena's chances of winning the Royal Rumble. He won it a couple of years ago, and as always, has a good chance of winning. But with nine men gunning for his removal from the match, his chances this year are probably significantly lower than they are most years. Still, I'd expect him to toss some Nexus and/or Corre members out of the match before getting tossed by Punk and/or Barrett. Final four? Maybe. Winner? Doubtful.
John Morrison - He's here for the same reason DBD is: because I didn't want him to be lumped in with the obvious losers. Morrison needs a revamp of his character, because it's stagnant. Of course, with his possible knee injury sustained on Raw, he may not even be in the match, let alone compete for an extended period of time. He doesn't have a chance of winning, but hey, we can dream, right?
Kane - Returning from a month-long absence only to kick Alberto Del Rio's head off and leave will only make Kane a more dangerous competitor this year. Kane is always dominant in the Royal Rumble, and I'm hoping he breaks his own record for most eliminations in a single Rumble match. That being said, he won't win the match, as his feud with Edge was atrocious at best, and I can't see him facing Miz at Wrestlemania. I couldn't call that a main event even if you paid me...well, unless you paid me a LOT of money...
Kofi Kingston - Same boat as DBD and Morrison. Also, why no Intercontinental or United States Championship matches? I am disappointed. I've all but given up on Kofi moving to the main event in WWE. Since Vince is apparently afraid to pull the trigger, he'll languish in the mid-card probably forever or until he quits and goes somewhere where his talents are appreciated.
Rey Mysterio - He has no chance of winning, but he'll probably stick around for a while and eliminate Del Rio, keeping their never-ending feud going for a few weeks more.
Sheamus - Also has no chance of winning, but he'll likely be eliminated by Triple H somehow, either by Hunter's return or a distraction of some sort. I don't know if he's actually returning, but there's no better place to make your triumphant return than at the Royal Rumble.
Wade Barrett - He'll probably be in the same boat as CM Punk. Will he make it to the final four? That I do not know.
As to the six remaining unnamed participants, one can only speculate as to who they may be...that, or read the spoilers. I am not one to read spoilers (except for TNA, because they make me laugh so much). So I'll make my own speculations as to who may fill the final six spots.
Triple H - After nine months without him, he'll come back to screw over Sheamus. It has to happen.
Christian - He's been gone for months, and I'm sure just about everyone in the IWC has missed him terribly. Will he return today? Let's hope so.
Jerry Lawler - Hey, he's been working matches for the past few weeks. Why not toss him in there?
Chris Jericho - This is a long shot, but I think his Fozzy tour is over and I bet he's itching to get back into the ring.
Evan Bourne - Another long shot, since he's still not fully recovered from an injury he sustained last year. But hey, Edge came back months ahead of schedule, so it could happen with Bourne as well.
Tyler Black - Hey, why not?
But the question remains: who will win the Rumble? If I had to narrow it down to a final four, I'd say we'll have CM Punk, Wade Barrett, John Morrison, and Triple H. As to who wins? Jeez...you know what? What the hell, I'll pick John Morrison to win the Royal Rumble. I'm quite sure I'll be wrong, but hey, your guess is as good as mine.
So there you have it. That's the Royal Rumble in a nutshell. Not a fantastic show, but the Rumble Match could provide some fun moments. See you all later with a results/review episode!
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