Unfortunately, CHIKARA's latest show has not yet been released on DVD, so you'll have to wait a bit longer for a review of it. So instead I bring you what will probably end up being a fairly short picks episode to cover the Royal Rumble.
I'll be frank here: I have been almost completely disappointed with the WWE product over the past few months. Storylines have been moving far too quickly, and despite the new faces at the top of the Raw and Smackdown rosters, everything still feels the same as it's been for the past five years. The fact that I can't remember what happens from week to week is indicative that the shows are not memorable (and have nothing at all to do with my horrible memory). And because the product has been so poor, I fell far behind and have had to work to catch up, which only made me have to watch more of it over a shorter period of time. It was unpleasant. Just today, I watched the second half of last week's Smackdown and this week's Raw and Smackdown. I gave up on NXT a while ago, and haven't watched Superstars in weeks since nothing important ever happens on that show. So I think it's safe to say that today was difficult for me. But I made it, and have just finished watching this past Friday's episode of Smackdown, which despite all its flaws, had a fantastic promo by Cody Rhodes. I hope he continues to deliver promos with his back turned to the camera.
And so that brings me to the Royal Rumble. This year, WWE decided to knock the Rumble match itself up a notch by increasing the number of participants from 30 to 40. Whether each man enters at the same time interval as they used to remains in question, but if it's the same two minutes as before, we're looking at a match that will be a minimum of 76 minutes. And with only three other matches on the card, I'm betting we're either getting a bonus match or the Rumble match will last over 80 minutes. I hope someone goes the distance. Working an 80 minute match is unheard of nowadays...well, in mainstream "sports entertainment" it is. I hope the #1 or #2 entrant goes all the way to the end. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's look at the other matches on the card.
Two on One Handicap Diva's Championship Match - Natalya (c) vs. LayCool
Dear sweet jesus in heaven, I am sick of LayCool. I would wish death upon them, but that would mean death would have to deal with them afterward, and I can't put that burden upon him. I do not know how this gimmick has lasted this long. Every word out of their mouths is a hailstorm of displeasure, like nails on a chalkboard, like aluminum foil being chewed. Every second they speak feels like I'm being forced to listen to huge styrofoam blocks being rubbed together for hours on end. It's like having to watch Dane Cook do stand-up comedy. Yeah, it's that bad. How WWE hasn't been bombarded by negative feedback by all the women's rights groups out there is beyond me. Unless, of course, they have been and are keeping quiet about the issue. What? There's a match? Oh, right. Natalya wins.
World Heavyweight Championship Match - Edge (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler
Vickie Guerrero, the hideous monstrosity of WWE programming, has banned Edge from using the spear. You know what that means: Edge will find a new way to win. Like most "feuds" WWE puts out these days, this came entirely out of nowhere, akin to referees appearing out of hammerspace whenever something goes down backstage. Zlggler lost the Intercontinental Championship to Kofi Kingston (I still question that decision, though I realize now that Kofi will never move to main event status in WWE), was put in a #1 Contender's Match, and squeaked through with a victory. This after the awful end to the Intercontinental Title Ladder Match at TLC makes for some serious head scratching. Why Ziggler? Why now? Why did Kane disappear for so long after the Last Man Standing match with Edge? What about everyone else in the main event on Smackdown? Oh, right...there isn't anyone else! Rey Mysterio and Alberto Del Rio are stuck in a never-ending feud that may rival the infinite feud between Robert Roode and Eric Young a few years back on TNA. When they had their two out of three falls match, the announcers were claiming it would be the end of their rivalry. Yet here we are, weeks later, and they're still facing off, albeit in tag team matches. Still, it feels like they'll never be rid of each other, which is a detriment to Del Rio. Mysterio is such a great worker, what will happen when Del Rio has to work against a less talented opponent? Will he succeed or flounder?
Okay, I got waaaaaay off topic there. Anyway, while this feud does have some interesting ties to the past, what with Edge and Vickie being married and all, it still involves Vickie Guerrero, who you would think by now would be able to deliver her promos without making it sound like she's saying words written by someone else in a very deliberate manner. She has no charisma. It's like how Michael Cole reads his GM announcements from a piece of paper laying on the laptop keyboard. That's what every Vickie Guerrero promo sounds like: as though she's reading from a piece of paper and hasn't memorized her lines. Once again, I've gone way off topic. I apologize. Is it Ziggler's time? Had Vickie not banned the spear, I would say maybe. But because she banned Edge's finisher, there is no doubt that he'll find another way to win. And he will. Edge wins and retains the World Heavyweight Championship.
WWE Championship - The Miz (c) vs. Randy Orton
Snore. That's all I have to say. You know my thoughts on The Miz (please go read Episode 1 if you haven't already), and Orton has bored me for years. I have other thoughts on Orton and Miz which I will save for an episode I will be publishing very soon. Anyway, I feel like this match should be Miz vs. Morrison. I think Creative blew their load too early when they had Miz vs. Morrison just a week after Morrison became the #1 Contender. And while the match itself was pretty good, I think it would have been better as a Pay-Per-View match instead of being broadcast on free TV. Well, not really free TV since most people pay for cable or a satellite dish. I'm still of the mindset that Miz vs. Morrison could have been a great feud, but that ship has sailed and I'm going to just grit my teeth, sigh, and move on. I feel like this is going to be the most predictable match of the night. Miz will lose by disqualification and keep the WWE Title, as is usually the case when you have a wimpy character for a champion. Rather coincidentally, just as Randy Orton himself did in 2009 with Legacy. Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase would always ruin any title match Orton was in just so he could keep the title. And Miz is getting similar results with Alex Riley by his side and Michael Cole allowing Miz to put his wang dang doodle in Cole's bumhole on a nightly basis. What? The match? I already said it: Randy Orton wins by disqualification, and The Miz keeps the WWE Title.
The Royal Rumble Match
Let's look at the participants, shall we? By the way, I won't be reading spoilers for the few spots left in the match.
Who can I immediately take out of contention for winning this match? Let's go through the list...Chris Masters, Darren Young, DH Smith, Drew McIntyre, Jack Swagger, JTG, Mark Henry, Primo, R-Truth, Santino Marella, Ted DiBiase, Tyson Kidd (what happened to his bodyguard?), Vlad Kozlov, William Regal, Yoshi Tatsu, and Zack Ryder. We can also eliminate every member of Nexus and The Corre besides CM Punk and Wade Barrett. So we've removed 23 names already. 17 left. Six spots are apparently left open for now, so we've got 11 names to go through.
Alberto Del Rio - he's been on both Raw and Smackdown for weeks, claiming that winning the Royal Rumble is his destiny. The fact that he's on both shows proves that there is no separation between said shows anymore. Everyone can travel wherever they want, whenever they want. Anyway, Del Rio should have a strong showing, but I don't think he'll be winning the Rumble this year.
Big Show - as he stated on Smackdown this past Friday, he's never won the Rumble match, mostly because a half dozen guys team up to eliminate him every year. Will this be his year? I doubt it. Show is nearing 40, and while he's still a consummate entertainer, I don't think he has much in-ring time left. I do enjoy his promos as a face very much, but having him as a face world champion just doesn't feel like something I could get behind. Now, I wouldn't mind seeing him in an authority role, say, as a GM? Probably later down the road.
CM Punk - Punk has a really good chance of winning the Rumble match this year, with four men working to make sure he's the victor. Harris, McGillicutty, Otunga, and the Welsh Scott Steiner, Mason Ryan, will all be fending off all comers. Though I'd expect a brawl between Nexus and The Corre at some point with a flurry of eliminations coming from that potential feud that just feels like the NWO all over again...but I digress. I wouldn't be surprised to see Punk in the final four.
Daniel Bryan Danielson - I mostly just didn't want to lump him in with the other obvious losers. Hell, if it were up to me, DBD would win this and go destroy Miz at Wrestlemania. Hey, if that happens, I'll give Creative credit. But because it's a GOOD idea, it won't happen. Still, I'd love to see DBD beat the crap out of some fools, and I'm sure plenty of other IWC smarks would love to see it too. Side note: nice job getting Gail Kim as your (I'm guessing only) on-screen girlfriend. Kudos to you, good sir.
John Cena - Like every other match he's ever involved in, it's hard to discount Cena's chances of winning the Royal Rumble. He won it a couple of years ago, and as always, has a good chance of winning. But with nine men gunning for his removal from the match, his chances this year are probably significantly lower than they are most years. Still, I'd expect him to toss some Nexus and/or Corre members out of the match before getting tossed by Punk and/or Barrett. Final four? Maybe. Winner? Doubtful.
John Morrison - He's here for the same reason DBD is: because I didn't want him to be lumped in with the obvious losers. Morrison needs a revamp of his character, because it's stagnant. Of course, with his possible knee injury sustained on Raw, he may not even be in the match, let alone compete for an extended period of time. He doesn't have a chance of winning, but hey, we can dream, right?
Kane - Returning from a month-long absence only to kick Alberto Del Rio's head off and leave will only make Kane a more dangerous competitor this year. Kane is always dominant in the Royal Rumble, and I'm hoping he breaks his own record for most eliminations in a single Rumble match. That being said, he won't win the match, as his feud with Edge was atrocious at best, and I can't see him facing Miz at Wrestlemania. I couldn't call that a main event even if you paid me...well, unless you paid me a LOT of money...
Kofi Kingston - Same boat as DBD and Morrison. Also, why no Intercontinental or United States Championship matches? I am disappointed. I've all but given up on Kofi moving to the main event in WWE. Since Vince is apparently afraid to pull the trigger, he'll languish in the mid-card probably forever or until he quits and goes somewhere where his talents are appreciated.
Rey Mysterio - He has no chance of winning, but he'll probably stick around for a while and eliminate Del Rio, keeping their never-ending feud going for a few weeks more.
Sheamus - Also has no chance of winning, but he'll likely be eliminated by Triple H somehow, either by Hunter's return or a distraction of some sort. I don't know if he's actually returning, but there's no better place to make your triumphant return than at the Royal Rumble.
Wade Barrett - He'll probably be in the same boat as CM Punk. Will he make it to the final four? That I do not know.
As to the six remaining unnamed participants, one can only speculate as to who they may be...that, or read the spoilers. I am not one to read spoilers (except for TNA, because they make me laugh so much). So I'll make my own speculations as to who may fill the final six spots.
Triple H - After nine months without him, he'll come back to screw over Sheamus. It has to happen.
Christian - He's been gone for months, and I'm sure just about everyone in the IWC has missed him terribly. Will he return today? Let's hope so.
Jerry Lawler - Hey, he's been working matches for the past few weeks. Why not toss him in there?
Chris Jericho - This is a long shot, but I think his Fozzy tour is over and I bet he's itching to get back into the ring.
Evan Bourne - Another long shot, since he's still not fully recovered from an injury he sustained last year. But hey, Edge came back months ahead of schedule, so it could happen with Bourne as well.
Tyler Black - Hey, why not?
But the question remains: who will win the Rumble? If I had to narrow it down to a final four, I'd say we'll have CM Punk, Wade Barrett, John Morrison, and Triple H. As to who wins? Jeez...you know what? What the hell, I'll pick John Morrison to win the Royal Rumble. I'm quite sure I'll be wrong, but hey, your guess is as good as mine.
So there you have it. That's the Royal Rumble in a nutshell. Not a fantastic show, but the Rumble Match could provide some fun moments. See you all later with a results/review episode!
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