Hey, I just got this in on time! The last couple of days have been pretty hectic, so I'm going to do kind of a quick picks episode today. Before I begin, though, I would just like to point out that the first two WWE Pay-Per-Views have had a total of NINE matches between them. To put that in perspective, CHIKARA's Saturday show had nine matches. That's for ONE SHOW. Their first show of the year had eight, and their show today will have eight. That's TWENTY-FIVE matches in three shows. WWE has given us NINE through two shows. Yes, one was the Royal Rumble and two will be the Elimination Chamber matches, but STILL, if they spent more time wrestling and less time preening and posturing during their 45 minute entrances, we'd get more than five matches per show.
Also, I would like to point out that the picks for today seem ludicrously obvious. On that positive note, let's begin!
WWE Tag Team Championship Match - Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov (c's) vs. The CORRRRRRRE (Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel)
Heyy, iff WWE cann addd onne extrra, ranndom pointlesss letterr tto aa stablle's naame, soo cann Ii. Seriously, it's one of the most idiotic names for a group in recent memory. Also, I'm getting pretty tired of WWE rehashing the NWO storyline. The CORRRRRRRE just feels like the NWO Wolfpac (or at least the group that split from the main group) and will eventually just reunite with the Nexus (also, note to the announcers, the Nexus has not been "New" for over a month. Please stop calling it "The New Nexus.") Whatever. Can you tell I've had a good day so far? The Tag Titles still mean nothing, and it really doesn't matter who wins. Santino and Kozlov are a decent team, but Santino's gimmick feels stale, much like Vince McMahon's creative decisions. Slater and Gabriel are former tag champs, but it was yet another waste of time. I don't care anymore. Santino and Kozlov win and retain their entirely valueless Tag Team Titles.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston
Del Rio has also gotten stale. Every week, all he's ever done is walk out to the ring, declare that it is his destiny to win the World Heavyweight Championship, get attacked by some random face, and either scramble away or lock on the cross-arm breaker. He's done this for somewhere around six weeks. At first, it was about winning the Royal Rumble. But it's the same damn thing every time, usually twice a week. I'm bored of it. Do something new! Oh, the match? It doesn't matter. Alberto Del Rio wins.
WWE Championship Match - The Miz (c) vs. Jerry "The King" Lawler
First, my condolences to Jerry Lawler, whose mother passed away last Sunday. I give him all the respect in the world for still taking this match. But we all know what the outcome will be. Yes, Jerry Lawler is one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, but he doesn't need a WWE Championship reign. He's won over 150 titles in his career. One more won't make a difference. He's already a hall of famer. Just headlining a PPV should be enough to cap off his in-ring career. All of this makes me even more disappointed that we're going to get a Wrestlemania main event with The Miz. I can hear the "BOOOORING" chants already, most of them emanating from me. Still, Lawler's managed to put Miz over is some pretty good matches, so I'd imagine this will be no different. But in the end, it's going to be the least watchable WWE Champion since Sheamus to win. The Miz wins and retains the WWE Championship.
Raw Elimination Chamber Match - John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. CM Punk vs. John Morrison vs. Sheamus vs. R-Truth
Let's toss out Sheamus, Punk, and Truth immediately. The heels won't win because of Miz retaining the WWE Championship, and Truth has been awful the past month or so. I believe we can also discount John Morrison, since nobody seems to want to give him an actual push, even though a Miz vs. Morrison main event at Wrestlemania is something quite a few people have been wanting ever since their break-up a couple of years ago. That leaves us with John Cena and Randy Orton, the two men who seem to be able to no-sell a spot on any PPV lower than the main event. Were it not for a promo by a certain People's Champion this past Monday night, I would have called it a lock that Cena would win this Chamber match. But after said Brahma Bull's promo, I have a feeling we'll be seeing a confrontation between Cena and one Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment History. And if you think that Cena vs. Rock won't draw, you're completely fucking insane. Randy Orton wins the Raw Elimination Chamber match and sets up an incredibly boring Raw main event at Wrestlemania 27.
Smackdown Elimination Chamber World Heavyweight Championship Match - Edge (c) vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Kane vs. Wade Barrett vs. Drew McIntyre vs. ???
Oh good lord...Don't even get me started on how galactically stupid Smackdown was this past Friday. While it was nice to see Teddy Long no-sell severe head trauma and layeth the smacketh down on Vickie Guerrero's rather large candy ass, the rest of the night was a clusterfuck of idiocy, leading to Edge apparently becoming an 11-time World Champion. I wonder who will be the first to break Ric Flair's record...Edge, Cena, or HHH? It's more of a rhetorical thought. No one needs sixteen championship reigns. I'd rather have one title reign that lasted five years than sixteen that added up to five years. As to who is the sixth man in this match, I can think of only one man who would fit in nicely: Christian. What better time to return than at the Elimination Chamber show in a match involving his best friend, Edge? I'd also love to see Amazing Kong debut here, but I feel like she's never going to debut at this rate. As to who wins? Well, we can immediately discount any heels, so Kane, Barrett, and McIntyre are out. How Drew McIntyre even made it into this match is beyond me. The sixth man, whomever he may be, is also out. That leaves Mysterio and Edge. While a Mysterio/Del Rio main event at Wrestlemania would confirm that some feuds never die, I'm betting we're going to see a Rated Not-Quite-R showdown. Edge wins and retains the World Heavyweight Championship.
So there you have it. Picks for the Elimination Chamber. If I were you, I'd not buy this show and just acquire it through other means. That is, if you even think it'd be worth watching for free. It seems like a waste of time to me, but I'll probably still watch it. Why? Because I have nothing better to do with my days.
What a delightful episode. Catch you all soon with a results episode for Elimination Chamber. And be sure to stay tuned for a review of CHIKARA's Season 10 debut show, which I promise will be more positive. Until then, for Colt Cabana, I'm Colt Cabana.
P.S.: go listen to Colt Cabana's podcast, the Art of Wrestling. It's awesome.
P.P.S.: I am not, nor am I affiliated in any way with, Colt Cabana. Though I am friends with him on Facebook. So we're like brothers.
P.P.P.S;: Colt, please don't sue me.
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