Episode 15 - Wrestlemania 27 Picks

And so begins my final foray into the bottomless pit of awful known as World Entertainment Entertainment. There might be the slimmest of chances I tune in to Raw on Monday night, but only - and I do mean ONLY - if Michael Cole is no longer a commentator. If Jim Ross is brought back, I would consider watching it. I would also consider watching it to see Sin Cara's debut. But I am at the point that, unless these things all happen Monday night, there is no way anyone could get me to watch WWE on a regular basis anymore. I cannot stand it. So today marks the second-to-last episode I will dedicate to WWE. The last will, of course, be the results and review episode that will be posted sometime on Monday. Without further ado, Wrestlemania 27 picks.

We are getting nine matches this year. Though, to be fair, two of them barely count as matches. These are the moments I am least looking forward to during the broadcast. The rest of the card is a solid "meh" rating. Whether or not the feuds were built well I do not know, as I have not watched a WWE program in three weeks. It feels nice to get the poison out of your system. Anyway, let's look at the card, shall we?

Six Person Mixed Tag Team Match - John Morrison, Trish Stratus, and (ugh) Snooki vs. Dolph Ziggler and LayCool

I considered boycotting Wrestlemania this year because of this match. I am embarrassed for everyone involved in this match for having to work with a waste of oxygen who glorifies the worst parts of life. This Snooki creature should be taken out back and disemboweled with a wooden cooking spoon. It is what is wrong with this country. I may just avoid the match altogether, it's such a fucking disgrace. Morrison and Ziggler should have had a singles match. That could have been the show-stealer. But they're saddled with the burden of a mixed tag match. I can't imagine Trish being that great, and we know my problems with LayCool. If ever there was a bathroom break match in wrestling history, it's this one right here. The only way I would enjoy this match is if someone just outright killed Snooki. Then I might be happy. Here's hoping. Oh, picks. Right. Morrison and Co. win. I don't care.

Rey Mysterio vs. Cody Rhodes

One of the big episodes I had planned for the future was to discuss how so many current WWE guys are seemingly trying to become copies of characters from the Attitude Era (Randy Orton = Steve Austin, The Miz = The Rock), and one that had come to mind a few weeks back was Cody Rhodes acting more and more like Mankind. Well, the old Mankind. You know, the insane Mankind. Cody's character had (until I stopped watching WWE programming) become one of the most fascinating characters in the entire company. Ever since he cut that backstage promo facing away from the camera, I wanted to see where he went. Of course, since I haven't watched Smackdown in three weeks, I don't know if Cody is still working in a suit. If he is, I will thoroughly enjoy this match. Hell, it should be a pretty good match anyway. Cody could be on the verge of a major push with this new character (if it still exists). And since I have no knowledge of how this feud is progressing, I'm going to give the nod to Cody Rhodes this time. Yes, I'm picking Cody Rhodes to win this match. How does that feel?

8-Man Tag Team Match - Kane, The Big Show, Santino Marella, and ??? vs. The CORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE

Apparently, the CORRRRRRRRE ambushed Vladimir Kozlov during Fan Ax...Acc...Axc...whatever the hell you call it, and it looks like Kozlov won't be competing. People are figuring that they took Kozlov out of the match in order to insert Kofi Kingston into the match, seeing as how Kofi apparently lost the Intercontinental Championship to Wade Barrett a couple of weeks ago. Why he lost, I do not know. Could this be the beginning of a main event push for Kofi? Yeah, I've been calling for that for a year and a half now, and it's never going to happen. Anyway, there's one way that this match could go from "pointless" to "vaguely interesting," and that's if Teddy Long swerves us and turns this match into a Money in the Bank Ladder Match that is sorely missing from the WM card this year. I know there's a PPV dedicated to this particular match, but that should never have been approved in the first place. Money in the Bank is the only Wrestlemania tradition we have besides the Undertaker's winning streak. And we're just going to kill MITB after six very successful years? Fuck that. This match is pointless. I don't care. The CORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE wins for no reason other than they're supposedly a cohesive unit.

Jerry "The King" Lawler vs. Michael Cole (w/Stone Cold Steve Austin as the special guest referee)

Everyone is saying that King is going to destroy Cole. As much as I want to agree with you, I just have this awful feeling that somehow, Cole is going to win. You know why I feel that way? Because at CHIKARA's Creatures from the Tar Swamp show, the BDK's ring announcer, Jakob Hammermeier, won a match against Green Ant, an established wrestler, through the use of copious run-ins. I'm not saying that Vince is going to copy CHIKARA (or that he even watches CHIKARA in the first place), but I wouldn't put it past him to leave the fans with a bitter taste in their mouths after a feud that is one of the major reasons why I stopped watching this product. Sure, Lawler will get some good hits in, and might even cause Cole to miss an episode of Raw, but I think the presence of Jack Swagger (and maybe a run-in from JBL) could somehow ruin everyone's satisfaction of watching Cole get his face punched in. Or this could be Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon all over again. Whatever happens, you can bet that someone's getting a Stunner at the end, a la Lesnar v. Goldberg. So, against my better judgment, I'm picking...no...I just cannot write those words. I don't care if I'm wrong. I just cannot write those four words. If I did, I would stop watching all wrestling forever. Fuck it. Jerry Lawler wins.

CM Punk vs. Randy Orton

Punk is the best ACTUAL heel the company has going for them right now. Or, at least, he was as of three weeks ago. Whether or not he's lived up to that moniker I do not know. Orton has been boring since turning face, doing his best Stone Cold Steve Austin impression, complete with nickname, turnbuckle taunt during his entrance, and even adding in a few Stone Cold moves he's never used before a few months ago. But then again, Orton's always been boring to me. So I grit my teeth and sit through it. At least when he's got someone good to work with, he can look good. Punk is one of those guys. Also, I think WWE missed a major feud opportunity with Nexus vs. CORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE. Not that it would be entertaining anymore. Nexus is now talentless and CORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE is dull as dishwater save Justin Gabriel. You couldn't pay me to watch those two groups go at it now. Let's just forget about that and pick the match. Since I have no investment whatsoever, I'll just go with which guy I like more. So CM Punk wins this match.

United States Championship Match - Sheamus (c) vs. Daniel Bryan Danielson

People are saying this could be the show-stealing match. But that's impossible, because Sheamus is involved. Sorry, folks, I never warmed up to him, and probably never will. And while I am glad to see DBD at Wrestlemania, he should have appeared in a World Title match of some sort. Maybe next year he'll face the Undertaker. I can dream, can't I? Anyway, this could be the beginning of Danielson's eventual burial in WWE. He did nothing as US Champion, and unless Vince actually has a GOOD thought in his head for once, there's no way he'll push Danielson to the top. Such a shame. Speaking of shame, I'm going to feel some when I pick Sheamus to win and retain the US Title.

World Heavyweight Championship Match - Edge (c) vs. Alberto Del Rio

One of the reasons I've soured on Del Rio is that he delivered the exact same promo for the past three months. All he would say is that it's his destiny to win. And since he said it was his destiny to win the Royal Rumble (which he did), then it would follow that he'll win the World Heavyweight Championship. Will Del Rio be the next Sheamus (ie: winning a World Title way too soon in his WWE career)? You'd think so. But I have no goddamn idea. There's been some bullshit about Christian being involved in the match somehow. And while I like Christian most out of the three men mentioned, he probably won't play a big part in this match. Either that, or he'll determine the outcome of the match. But we really don't need more than one match where someone outside the match determines the outcome (see: the next match). So I figure Christian won't get involved, and Edge ends up winning and retaining the World Heavyweight Championship.

WWE Championship Match - The Miz (c) vs. John Cena

Does anyone remember back in 2009, when The Miz claimed an undefeated streak over Cena, and they built up their match for months, and then they had that match at The Bash (which I attended), and the match FUCKING SUCKED? My, how times have changed...wait...wait...nah, they really haven't. Miz is still undeserving of his spot on the roster, and Cena is still Superman. But we have a wild card here, that being The Rock. And, from what I heard, Cena punked out Rock last Monday night. So what do you think is going to happen? Ref bump, Rock interferes, costs Cena the match, and we get Cena vs. Rock at Summerslam. Joy. If only I gave a crap.

Sorry, folks, but I've gotten really cynical over the last couple of hours. I wrote the first half of this episode before having to tune in to the Dragon Gate USA iPPV show, and while it wasn't a bad show, it definitely was somewhat of a disappointment. And after a lackluster ROH show this morning/afternoon, I can't say that I'm entirely too pleased with my purchases this weekend. Sure, last night's ROH show was off the chain, but that's about it. And I cannot imagine Wrestlemania being any better than any of these shows. So I'm just going to try to finish this episode and move on with my life.

Anyway, Miz wins and retains the WWE Title.

No Holds Barred Match - HHH vs. The Undertaker

This should be the main event, but it probably won't be thanks to The Rock's involvement in the WWE Title match. Anyway, I'm so bored of HHH I could probably nap during one of his promos. And Taker probably needs to hang up the boots. Yes, I'm sure Vince wants to see him get to 20-0, as would I. But if that's to happen, Taker will probably need to take the entire year off after this match tomorrow. Anyway, it could be a decent match, but I'm not in the mood to care about it. Besides, it's the easiest match on the card to pick. Undertaker wins.

So there it is. Picks for the last Wrestlemania. Stick around, because next year, it's Entertainmentmania 1. WOOHOO! YAAAAAAY!

I'll stick to the indies, thankyouverymuch. Catch you all later.