Well, another year has come and gone, and it's time to give out awards for the most (and least) deserving people in the crazy little world of pro wrestling. Even though this is only the fifth post on this blog, I did have the First Annual Golden Rantables Awards on my previous blog on Wordpress, and since one of my friends suggested I upload them to this site and backlog them, you'll likely get a chance to read those as well. I'd like to think that these awards are vaguely entertaining and a little unique compared to the thousands of other bloggers out there. I hope that's the case, anyway. So, without further ado, let's give out the first Rantie!
The Most Inexplicable Face/Heel or Heel/Face Turn of the Year goes to...Ezekiel Jackson's face turn! BWAH? When did that happen? Some people remember Jackson as the last ECW Champion. I choose not to remember that moment and consider Christian the last ECW Champion. Anyway, he showed up on Smackdown for about a minute, got injured, and was moved to Raw, where he ended up on Raw's Bragging Rights team, seemingly still a heel. Yet after that, I guess he turned face for no reason whatsoever. Or, at least, that's what I'm guessing happened, since during the King of the Ring tournament, which he was a part of, were he considered a heel (which I still thought he was) there would have been a disproportionate number of heels to faces (5 to 3, for those keeping score). Not that it mattered anyway. Yet Jackson started high-fiving fans when walking down to the ring and generally smiling and seeming to be nice. For no reason at all. And he's back on Smackdown, which says to me that (hopefully) his time on WWE television is short-lived. The guy reminds me so much of Ahmed Johnson it's sad.
Okay, I've got to keep this moving, as I've got a ton of awards to give out.
The Most Blatant Ass-Covering Award goes to...The Stand Up for WWE Campaign! If you couldn't tell, this entire campaign was created merely to cover WWE's ass so Linda McMahon would have a snowball's chance in hell of winning a US Senate seat. It didn't work, obviously, since she was running as a Republican in Connecticut. Bad move, Linda. I was absolutely disgusted with how Vince and Co. tried to pass this off as a positive, trying to show how wholesome WWE can be, all the whole having a storyline where two brothers basically tried to kill each other. Great job, guys. Please stop trying to muscle your way into other areas of life and concentrate on entertaining the fans.
The "Cursed Finisher" Award goes to...Pay Dirt! Remember when Shelton Benjamin used this as a finisher? Then he got future endeavored? Then MVP adopted it? Then HE got fired? And now Heath Slater is using it? And how he'll probably get fired? People need to stop using this as a finisher. Do what Dolph Ziggler did: reverse the move and you'll get a major storyline on Smackdown and a long run as the Intercontinental Champion.
And since we're on the topic of finishing maneuvers...
The Greatest Miscarriage of Justice in Relation to a Finishing Maneuver Award goes to...Tyler Reks' NOT Burning Hammer. Goddamnit, Matt Striker, I thought you knew better. First off, if ANYONE used the Burning Hammer as a finisher, Tyler Reks is the last guy I would consider worthy of using it. Second, IT ISN'T THE DAMN BURNING HAMMER! Reks uses an Inverted Death Valley Driver. With the Burning Hammer, the opponent lands very high on his shoulders with his back to the mat. With Reks' finisher, the opponent lands face-down on the mat, having made a 180 degree rotation in the air. The Burning Hammer is a legitimately very dangerous finisher, which is why it's only been used a few times in the history of wrestling. So please, for the sake of all the smarks out there, DON'T CALL IT A BURNING HAMMER! Yeesh...
Best Finisher - This award will be given to two separate people, since I only really watched two promotions this year: WWE and CHIKARA, and I feel that both deserve a Best Finisher Award.
WWE - Kaval's Warrior's Way. Yes, Vince has finally let the Shooting Star Press and the 450 Splash back in (thanks to finally allowing more agile wrestlers work in roles other than bottom-dwelling jobber), but nothing looks quite as awesome as the Warrior's Way. I mean, Kaval jumps off the top rope and stomps both feet directly into the chest of his opponent! If he did that for real, there would be a trail of corpses behind him. It's just epic. Too bad he's gone from WWE.
CHIKARA - I'm not sure I can give this to one person. UltraMantis Black's Praying Mantis Bomb, Mike Quackenbush's Quackendriver 3, Eddie Kingston's Backfist to the Future, Frightmare's Kneecolepsy, Pinkie Sanchez's Burning Snicklefritz (a REAL Burning Hammer), Brodie Lee's Big Boot...I think it's safe to say that CHIKARA wrestlers know how to create an awesome finishing maneuver.
The "I've Got Big Plans For You" Award goes to...Husky Harris! Harris is a unique competitor. He's a 300-pounder, but he isn't a bodybuilder. Yet despite the fact that he looks more like me than someone Vince thinks we should like, he's very agile and deceptively fast. I think that if Creative gets off their asses and realizes what they've got in him, he could be a World Champion within a couple of years. Or bring his brother up from developmental and form a tag team. Lord knows the tag division is utterly pathetic right now. Speaking of tag teams...
The "They Were Here a Minute Ago..." Award goes to...The Usos! Unless they've been on Superstars the past few weeks, I've not heard anything about them since Tamina basically abandoned them to become Santino's girlfriend. Weird, I know. But I believe the Usos got a raw deal. Just a few months back, they were in a high-profile feud with the Hart Dynasty, right up until the abhorrently awful team of Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre took the tag titles from the Dynasty, effectively ending any chance the Usos might have had at winning the titles. Now, they're gone. These two were very talented and showed a lot of promise. Hell, had Creative actually done what I said and kept the Hart/Usos program going for a year or two, it could have finally brought some prestige to the tag division, which, as you may know, has never had prestige in any company owned by one Vince McMahon. Anyway, I think taking any Samoan wrestler off the air is idiotic, and not having any on television leaves a huge (pun intended) hole on the roster.
The Zack Ryder "How is He Still Employed?" Award goes to...we have a tie! The Award goes to: Darren Young, The Great Khali, Yoshi Tatsu, Joey Mercury, Tyler Reks, and, of course, Zack Ryder! Young hasn't shown any improvement since being kicked out of Nexus, having a couple of matches with William Regal, and disappearing from TV, Khali's been gone for months, Tatsu hasn't had a storyline since he left ECW (which is a shame), Mercury's been off TV since the Straight Edge Society collapsed months ago, Reks is just god-awful, and Ryder is merely an embarassment to the business in general. Oh, and about half the women on the WWE roster. Congratulations, everyone! You'd be better off cutting meat at your local supermarket's deli! Well, some of you, anyway. A couple of you could probably make a living in the indies.
The Eric Young "Most Face/Heel/Face/Heel/ad infinitum Turns" Award goes to...Edge! Last year, when Edge injured his Achilles tendon, he was a major heel, and a tag team champion with Chris Jericho. Edge returns early this year, as a face, and takes on Jericho. Jericho then outs Edge as a fake, and Edge turns heel again. Then, he turns face AGAIN when he returns to Smackdown after a brief stint on Raw, and (to me, at least) essentially turns heel once again during his horrible feud with Kane at the end of the year. That's FOUR turns in one year. I know that four turns is below average when you take TNA into account, but it's a ridiculous number in any other promotion on earth. And it's made for a weak character that I don't believe deserves a World Heavyweight Championship reign at this point.
The Most Extremely Cute Wrestler of the Year goes to...Colin Delaney Olsen! If you don't get this, you probably haven't seen a CHIKARA show. Go do that now.
Biggest Acquisition(s) of the Year:
WWE - Tyler Black, Consequences Creed, and AMAZING KONG. Tyler Black is a former ROH Champion, Creed was a real up-and-comer in TNA before being disposed of for no reason at all, and Kong is Kong. I'm shocked WWE signed Kong, but I think she could really invigorate the woeful women's division. Yes, only three or four women could hang with her, but maybe that's for the best. Have her destroy Alicia Fox, Kelly Kelly, and all the skinny models who can't string two moves together, and have the women's division be about competition. Who wouldn't want to see Nattie Neidhart face Amazing Kong? I sure as hell would.
CHIKARA - Sinn Bodhi/Kizarny. If you haven't seen the season finale, Reality is Realtive, but are planning to, stop reading now. Though I did just give something away by mentioning his name. Anyway...remember when UltraMantis Black was fighting off the BDK during his match with Ares at The Germans, and he called for his anonymous bodyguards, who turned out to be Obariyon and Kodama, only to have Obariyon and Kodama be summoned away by a mysterious figure cloaked in black? Yeah, that was Sinn Bodhi. Effing A, man. This is setting up a metric assload of story for the next season, one that I am eagerly anticipating.
Biggest Loss(es):
WWE - MVP and Kaval. Well, not so much MVP, as he'd been languishing in lower mid-card status for over a year, and probably (thanks to Creative) wasn't going to move up the ladder any time soon. It's a real shame, as back in 2007 and early 2008, he was the hottest commodity they had, and many people pegged him as a future World Champion. But Creative dropped the ball by dropping his push faster than I drop $20 on a CHIKARA DVD, and he never made it to the main event. Kaval, on the other hand, was never going to move up, since I think Vince hated him from the start. He was a massive fan favorite (not just the internet geeks, Mr. Cole) and had all the talent in the world to go to the top of any other promotion on the planet. But he was saddled with LayCool at the start, and won, what, one match during his run on Smackdown? What a crying shame. Had Vince actually been willing to push Kaval the same way he pushed Rey Mysterio, we (the fans) might actually sing the praises of Vince for finally changing his tune. But we should have known better than to think that Vince would change his tune after keeping it the same for 30 years. It's a damn shame.
Still reading? Just checking. We've still got a ways to go, so go grab a sandwich or something.
Okay? Let's continue.
The "FINALLY!" Award goes to...John Morrison FINALLY getting a WWE Title shot. Yes, it's next week on Raw, and no, there's no way in hell he's going to win a Falls Count Anywhere match with Miz having Alex Riley in his employ and Michael Cole in his back pocket, but it's taken a year and a half for Morrison to get a world title shot. And he gets it on Raw? LAME. I was really hoping they'd square off at the Royal Rumble, but apparently Creative loves to speed up everything to the point where if you miss one week, a half dozen storylines have advanced too far for you to recognize what's gone on when you tune in the next week. It's awful! Creative, here's a tip for you:
Okay? Let your storylines evolve naturally. Don't force them to move faster than they need to move.
The Moment That Brought Me Closest to Orgasm Award goes to...Bastista's retirement! I know, you may have a funny look on your face right now similar to when you smell a really nasty fart that you know came from the guy sitting next to you but he's acting like nothing happened, but hear me out! Dave Batista was a cancer on this business, and removing him from television was such a wonderful relief that I nearly needed to change my pants afterward. And the way he retired was absolutely priceless: sitting in a wheelchair, left arm in a sling, wearing his douchy Kanye West sunglasses, with a whine in his voice that could not sound any sweeter to my ears. Don't believe me? Watch this (skip to maybe 2 minutes)
Oh, it was such an awesome moment. Too bad they almost immediately replaced him with Sheamus. I was hoping that spot would go to someone who actually deserved a main event spot. And speaking of Sheamus...
The Most Overrated Wrestler of the Year Award goes to...SHEAMUS! Honorable mentions go to Drew McIntyre, Jack Swagger, and The Miz. But why did Sheamus pass by all of these other very qualified nominees? Simple: he's been showered with more titles than the others, and has essentially been a main event-level guy for the entire year despite not showing one reason why he should be there. Sure, he's had a couple of good matches, but he was carried like a mofo through those matches. McIntyre is clearly the worst of the four in terms of actual talent (or complete lack thereof), but he's only been an Intercontinental and Tag Team Champion, Swagger had one (terrible) World Heavyweight Championship reign, and Miz I'm only letting off the hook because he's worked for four years to get to the top. Sheamus is a two-time WWE Champion and the reigning King of the Ring. For a guy with less talent than Dave Batista, he's sure getting an awful lot of titles tossed his way. Is it because he's Irish? Probably. Is it because Vince can use his porcelain skin as a mirror? Quite likely. It it because of his exceptional in-ring talent? Dear god no. Plus, the guy always looks like he's a combination of confused, scared, and a little bit like he has the runs. He doesn't deserve all the titles Vince has been giving him this past year.
The Best Right Hand In the Biz Award goes to...Jimmy "Don't Call Me Equinox" Olsen! Yes, Big Show is twice as big as Jimmy, but when Jimmy throws hands, it looks like it hurts. A lot of that comes from his opponents selling the Knockout Punch, but Jimmy sells it wonderfully as well. I was going to offer video evidence, but I can't find any. Dang. You'll have to take it on faith. Or go find proof yourself. You won't be disappointed.
Alright, we're getting down to the really important awards now. So I'd like to provide a brief intermission.
Okay, we're back. And now it's time for the really big awards!
Most Craziest Ridiculousest Spot of the Year - Sorry, WWE fans, but this one's going to CHIKARA. In a year filled with amazing moves and crazy multi-man chains (including an absolutely insane four-man German suplex at King of Trios 2010 and a seven-man chain of side headlocks at Scornucopia), I have to give this award to referee Bryce Remsburg for his unreal senton off the top rope into a sea of wrestlers during the main event of Scornucopia. For those who don't know, Bryce is probably the ref who ends up doing more spots with wrestlers than anyone else in the history of pro wrestling. He usually "gets caught up in the moment" and does the final spot in a chain of repetitive spots, like this
or this
It's all in good fun, which is why...wait, this is an award I'll be giving out last. Safe to Say Bryce is awesome.
The Best Gimmick Award goes to...The entirety of CHIKARA! From supreme badasses (Eddie Kingston) to insects (The Colony, UltraMantis Black) to Delicious Ice Cream Cones (Los Ice Creams) to video game characters (The Super Smash Brothers) to...whatever the hell Obariyon and Kodama are...CHIKARA is filled with awesome, memorable gimmicks that make for supremely entertaining shows.
The Worst Gimmick Award goes to...we have another tie! The award goes to LayCool and Michael Cole. Go read my post on Cole to understand why he "wins" this award. And if you somehow have forgotten, LayCool's gimmick is pretty much that of two bitches being incredibly annoying all the time and having grade-school-level humor. Sure, I participate in grade-school-level humor too, but I also enjoy satire, parody, irony, and humor that doesn't involve the words "Your Mom" or "That's what she said." Calling Mickie James "Piggie James" and making fun of her for her weight even though she's actually a normal-sized woman (and afterward associating themselves with Vickie Guerrero), calling Kelly Kelly "Smelly Kelly" and photoshopping Jim Neidart's beard onto Nattie Neidhart's face reeks of bad taste. The fact that both of their voices are intolerably annoying (though Layla gets a partial pass because her accent is hot) doesn't help them at all. It was an abhorrent year for the women's division, since LayCool dominated it the entire time when more deserving women were left in the shadows. For shame.
Best Feud of the Year:
WWE - John Cena vs. Nexus. Say what you will, but Cena basically set ten guys up for success in the industry in the future. Some will find more success than others, but still, putting ten guys over in less than a year is really impressive. Also, while I wasn't a fan of this feud to begin with, as it gained steam, I began to enjoy it more, and with Wade Barrett being crushed under a pile of steel chairs, it appeared that John Cena had finally won. But, as M. Night Shamalamadingdong would say (or at least his Robot Chicken counterpart would say), "What a twist!" last week as CM Punk became the new leader of Nexus, setting up the feud for the next few months. Some of these guys are bound to have long careers, and I'm happy for them, because they probably wouldn't have gotten the chance they were given were it not for this feud.
CHIKARA - CHIKARA vs. the BDK. Think Cena vs. Nexus, only spanning an entire company, better paced, and better booking, and you've got CHIKARA vs. the BDK. And this feud really took its time. It's lasted a year and it doesn't appear to be ending just yet. Even though Mike Quackenbush and Jigsaw finally took the Campeones de Parejas from Ares and Claudio Castagnoli at Reality is Relative, the BDK is not done yet. I would imagine that they will meet their demise soon, though, as the Sinn Bodhi/UltraMantis Black feud picks up steam. This is another reason why CHIKARA is better than WWE: their storylines have a natural progression. I think it helps that CHIKARA has a feel more akin to a comic book than a soap opera. An awesome feud from beginning (or at least from when I started watching the product at King of Trios) to end.
Worst Feud of the Year: Sorry, folks, this one is WWE-exclusive. And the award goes to...Kane vs. Edge! Creative didn't even wait a couple of weeks after Linda McMahon's failed US Senate bid before starting a feud with kidnapping and death involved. Jeez, Vince, I would think you'd cool off the felonies in your feuds for a few months at least. But no, we're subjected to weeks of Edge torturing Paul Bearer, Kane being the world's biggest dumbass, and climaxing with Kane pushing Paul off a strangely placed platform on top of a ladder down two stories and apparently killing Bearer. It was awful and tasteless, and I wish I could wash the memories of this feud from my mind. Ugh.
Best Announcer:
WWE - Jim Ross/CM Punk. Hey, JR called one match, so he's eligible. Plus, he actually DID HIS JOB, unlike other Raw announcers who shall indeed be named, MICHAEL COLE. And JR smacked Cole with his (JR's) hat after the match was over, which nearly made me pee with joy. And CM Punk receives this award because he was essentially tossed out to the announce table because Creative wanted him on screen even though he was rehabbing an injury at the time. Creative finally truly realized what a commodity Punk is to them. Punk went in blind, but became a better announcer in just a short few weeks than everyone else. He even made Matt Striker look incompetent. I have to give all the props in the world to Punk, who made Raw tolerable to watch while Michael Cole made an ass of himself throughout. And we now know that once Punk's in-ring career is over, we can look forward to his work at the commentation station.
CHIKARA - Really, just about everyone at the commentation station was awesome. Though I didn't terribly enjoy Steven "The Turtle" Weiner's work, and Gavin Loudspeaker, true to his name, did sometimes get a little too loud. But every guy who called a match was excellent. Bryce Remsburg gets a special nod for his amazing reactions to the really crazy spots, like the four-man German suplex at King of Trios:
Can you say, "Holy poop?"
Worst Announcer of the Year: Michael Cole. Do I really need to explain this?
Most Improved Wrestler of the Year:
WWE - Eve Torres. Now before you go laughing out of the building, think about it. Eve has gone from being entirely nothing more than eye candy in 2007 to a legitimately talented performer. She's extremely athletic, and is the only woman (besides Gail Kim) who seems comfortable on toe top rope. Her moonsault is fantastic, and she's damn easy on the eyes. Had AJ Lee not appeared on Season 3 of NXT, I would consider Eve to have the most positive qualities that I look for in a woman. But AJ showed up and I had a nerdgasm. Still, Eve has shown a ton of promise and, if Amazing Kong actually ends up on WWE TV, Eve could possibly be one of the few women who could go toe to toe with her.
CHIKARA - Vin Gerard. Gerard seemed like nothing more than some dumpy, miserable malcontent at the beginning of the year. But he's really gotten a lot better as the months have passed, and he's now a very talented performer. He's still a miserable malcontent, but he's a miserable malcontent who can pull off some crazy maneuvers. Honorable mention goes to Shane Matthews of 3.0, who can rattle off a half dozen headscissors takedowns in a row, which is awesome and hilarious at the same time.
Rookie of the Year:
WWE - The "Rookie" of the Year goes to Daniel Bryan Danielson! Come on, do you honestly think it would have gone to anyone else? The only person even vaguely close to DBD would be Alberto Del Rio, but Del Rio has yet to win a title and DBD has held the United States Championship for several months now. Plus, he's now winning a majority of his matches, which took long enough. Also, DBD has Ride of the Valkyries as his theme song. I can't argue with that. Here's hoping that there are many more successes for Daniel Bryan Danielson. Can you say DBD vs. Miz for the WWE Championship?
CHIKARA - Obariyon. This freakish-face-painted, tattooed brick of a...I guess man...burst onto the scene at the Young Lion's Cup, nearly killing Dustin Rayz on Night 2 but failing to qualify for the finals (since Lince Dorado was also in that semifinal match). But Obariyon has continued to impress me, with a surprising array of moves and holds, a very varied style, and an absolutely sick finisher, wherein he leaps off the top rope , grabs the head of his opponent (who is standing in the ring) and performs a DDT. It's nuts. And now that he's involved in what may be the major plotline of the next season of CHIKARA, it will do wonders for him. The sky is the limit for this guy, and I look forward to his matches in the future.
Tag Team of the Year - This is a CHIKARA-exclusive award, since Vince and WWE don't seem to give two shits about tag teams. The award goes to...Mike Quackenbush and Jigsaw! I almost gave this award to Claudio Castagnoli and Ares, since they held the Campeones de Parejas for nearly the entire year, but they kept their titles through dirty tactics and a crooked referee, and no one earned their titles this year like Quack and Jig did. These two teams had one hell of a match to end the year, and because of their victory, Quack and Jig earn the honors as Tag Team of the Year.
Show of the Year - Again, this is a CHIKARA exclusive. I can't pick just one. The best overall weekend goes to King of Trios 2010. Nine hours of extremely high-quality wrestling made this a must-watch for any wrestling fan, and it's the show that got me hooked to CHIKARA, likely forever. If we're talking single shows, It'd have to go to Chikarasaurus Rex. When you've got as stacked a card as Chikarasaurus Rex had, it's bound to be good. The main event, featuring Mike Quackenbush, Jigsaw, and Hallowicked teaming up to face Masato Yoshino, Naruki Doi and BxB Hulk. I'm sure any smarks out there are reaching for a towel after seeing that lineup. But the show was overall of extremely high quality, and deserves a spot in your DVD collection.
Only three awards left. Are your butts tired? Mine sure is. I've had to type this whole thing.
Let's get the "worst" award out of the way first so I can end this humongous post on a positive note.
The Worst Wrestler of the Year Award goes to...Sheamus! Sorry. He just doesn't deserve his current spot on the Raw roster, nor did he deserve his two WWE Title runs or his King of the Ring victory. Besides, everyone already knows that the King of the Ring victory is merely a means to rekindle the Sheamus vs. HHH feud from earlier this year. It's pathetic. You know who SHOULD have won King of the Ring? Alberto Del Rio. Or John Morrison. Or Kofi Kingston. Any one of those three men could have benefited tremendously from wearing the crown and carrying the sceptre to the ring. Instead we get the shamrock milkshake wandering to the ring with his ridiculous crown and walking stick. LAME. Please, let someone who actually deserves a main event spot move into Sheamus' place on the Raw roster. Know who would be great in that spot? Evan Bourne. Well, whenever he returns from his injury.
And now, it's time for the Wrestler of the Year Award. I debated whether to give separate awards for WWE and CHIKARA, but after reviewing all the evidence, really, there is no comparison. This is a CHIKARA award through and through, and only one man is truly deserving of the title.
The 2010 Wrestler of the Year Award goes to...EDDIE KINGSTON! When I first saw Eddie Kingston at Night 3 of King of Trios, I thought he was just some fat guy that the Philadelphia fans cheered because he looked like them. He went on to shatter my expectations and defeat Christopher Daniels that night. Now, let's take a look at his matches from then until the end of the year. He and Tommy Dreamer beat the shit out of each other at Anniversario Elf before being interrupted by the BDK. He fought Bryan Danielson for 15 minutes before losing at We Must Eat Michigan's Brains. He pummeled Delirious at Faded Scars and Lines. He teamed with Tommy Dreamer to face off against Claudio and Ares at Chikarasaurus Rex, albeit in a losing effort. He eliminated four people in the Countdown to Showdown match at Night 3 of the Young Lions Cup before being unfairly eliminated by Claudio Castagnoli. He beat the crap out of Pinkie Sanchez at Eye to Eye. He lost to Ares after interference from Claudio at Through Savage Progress Cuts the Jungle Line. He won the Cibernetico by taking Tursas off his feet for the first time in his (Tursas') career. He pummeled Tim Donst to a pulp at Terror in the Neighborhood. He had a knock-down, drag-out brawl with Homicide at The Germans. And he took Tursas off his feet again and pinned him at Reality is Relative. When you look at the quality of his opponents and how many awesome matches he's had this year, there's really no one who compares. I now understand why everyone cheers for Eddie Kingston. He is the toughest man on the CHIKARA roster, and he leaves everything in the ring for every match. No one else I've seen gives as much in the ring as Eddie, and no one else is as good at telling a story in the ring as Eddie (except maybe The Undertaker). He has my utmost respect, and is my favorite wrestler in the world. If I could even consider having the slightest chance of ever possibly getting in the ring, I'd consider him the top guy I'd want to work with. For anyone who hasn't seen his work, you may think I'm overhyping him. You'd be wrong. He is that damn good.
And now, it's time for the final award. Promotion of the Year. Since I only watched two promotions, it was a fairly easy pick. Still, it has to be said.
The Best Promotion in the World for the Year 2010 is...CHIKARA! Memorable characters, fantastic wrestling, engaging storylines, and variety that puts all other promotions to shame, there really was no question. If you want to see everything in one night, watch a CHIKARA show. It doesn't really even matter which one, because they all have enormous variety. You want comedy? Watch a 3.0 match. You want a phenomenal badass? Watch any Eddie Kingston match. You want to see the best overall in-ring wrestler in the world? Watch a Mike Quackenbush match. They are everything I've been looking for in a wrestling promotion, and I doubt any other promotions I see in the future will top them. Congratulations, CHIKARA, on being ludicrously awesome!
Well, that does it for the Second Annual Golden Rantable Awards. I hope you've enjoyed this epic novel of a post, and I'll be back with more regular content soon!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Episode 4 - TLC Results
Well, I just finished watching TLC a few minutes ago, and while it was a decent show overall, nothing really stood out. There was a title change, but it wasn't quite what I'd expected. However, I picked four matches correctly out of the six that were advertised, so I'm taking that as a positive. On to the show itself!
Dolph Ziggler defeated Kofi Kingston and Jack Swagger to retain the Intercontinental Championship in a Triple Threat Ladder Match
Unfortunately, I had this result spoiled for me via Facebook. That's the last time I check Facebook before watching a PPV. What I didn't have spoiled for me, however, was how awul this match was. It was an unimpressive effort by all three men, and the ending was complete bullshit. It's probably best to not schedule three ladder matches in one evening, as it tends to spread the really big spots too thin. Repeating a crazy spot lessens the impact that spot would make if it were only performed once. These three guys got royally screwed in that department. But what really put the cap on this stinker was the finish. Kofi and Jack were atop a ladder, fighting for control of the Intercontinental Championship belt, which was dangling by a ring. Ziggler was sitting off in a corner, nowhere near the action. Suddenly, the belt falls, Dolph scurries on top of it, and is named the winner. The announcers said that Kofi and Jack had simultaneously pulled the belt off the ring it was suspended on, and because they didn't keep control of it, they were not declared the winner, but because Dolph pounced on the title after it had landed on the ground, he WAS declared the winner. What in the bluest of blue hells is up with that? Cole, Striker, and Lawler were trying to draw an analogy to football, where a receiver must have possession of the ball when making contact with the ground, or it is considered incomplete. But the situation with Kofi and Co. is more akin to a fumble. WHICH IS NOT HOW LADDER MATCHES WORK! If a guy pulls the title belt off the ring, he is the champion, whether or not he manages to hold on to it. I remember this situation happening in the past, and the guy who pulled the title belt off the ring was ALWAYS declared the winner. It was never the guy who claimed control of it once the belt fell to the canvas. This is one of the worst endings to a match I've seen in some time. If they wanted Ziggler to retain the title, they should have had him climb the ladder and retrieve the belt like every other winner of a ladder match has done. I nearly turned the PPV off, I was so put off by the end to this match. But I decided that one match is not enough of a reason to stop watching a three-hour show. So I stuck around.
Natalya and Beth Phoenix defeated Michelle McCool and Layla in a Tag Team Tables Match
Now, I'm not trying to bash women's wrestling, but when the women's match on a WWE PPV is better than the opening match, you know the opener was awful. But this was actually a pretty good women's tag team match. Well, there weren't any actual tags, but you get my point. There was plenty of table teasing throughout the match, as there is with every tables match. And some of the bumps Beth took throughout the match were pretty sick. Falling on her head at least twice was pretty gruesome to watch, especially when they replayed them eight thousand times during the course of the match. But I guess they weren't enough to take her out of the match, because she still managed to help Nattie win. I completely marked out when Nattie slapped a double sharpshooter on Michelle and Layla, since I'm pretty sure that's never been done before. I was, however, taken out of the moment when, after the match had finished and the replays were playing, when Michael Cole stated something about Nattie "improvising" to finish the match, which to me sounded like the finish was supposed to have Michelle and Layla fall directly through the table from the turnbuckle, rather than the table somehow staying together and Nattie having to dive across LayCool to finish them off. Even if it was an improvised finish, it had a flow to it, and didn't feel tacked on like certain other endings of matches which will be described below. Overall, a pretty solid match that saw women get thrown through tables for the first time since the Dudley Boyz were around.
Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov (c's) defeated Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel by Disqualification to retain the WWE Tag Team Championships
For an unadvertised match, it was decent as well. Though part of me wonders if the interference at the end that was caught by the ref was intentional or accidental, as the match felt like it was just sort of cut off before its natural end. Several endings to matches at TLC felt very unplanned, and in turn ended up looking bad. To me, they looked bad. I don't know how anyone else felt about them. Still, we got all the Santino standards: the split-legged stunner, the kimura toss, the pathetic leg sweep that connected but did absolutely nothing...we also got a legendary headbutt by Kozlov to Slater, who flew a good five feet in the air. I thought that was pretty awesome. The DQ finish was, as stated earlier, a little wonky, and I'm not sure it's how the match was supposed to end, but it did, and Wade Barrett, chair in hand, made sure that the Tag Team Titles mean absolutely nothing in the WWE. Just once, I'd like to see these titles mean something. But that's wishful thinking nowadays. On to more pleasant topics.
John Morrison defeated Sheamus to become the #1 Contender for the WWE Championship
In my estimation, this was the match of the night. Morrison's seeling of a knee injury was probably his best performance of the year, and the fact that neither man would give up the advantage to the other was really quite impressive. I will give Sheamus some credit: he can be carried to a good match, unlike certain other high-profile names who shall not be named just yet but will be when the Ranties roll around in a week or so. There were plenty of ladder spots, including the now-infamous "guy falls through a ladder that was propped up between the ring apron and a barricade/announce table" spot that's now in every PPV that has a ladder match. Sheamus became Mr. No-Sell for most of the match, but thankfully, those parts don't stick out in my mind as much as the better parts of the match, namely Morrison's selling the knee injury. Also, I rather liked the finish, with Morrison, clinging to a ladder, using momentum from the ropes he was standing on to catapult himself towards Sheamus and kick the Irish Milkshake right in the face. It was pretty sweet, and Sheamus sold that like a champ (unlike the rest of the match, but I digress). And Morrison FINALLY earned a WWE Championship match, which I'd been calling for for about the past 18 months. And his opponent could not be more fitting.
The Miz defeated Randy Orton in a Tables Match to retain the WWE Championship
Remember a little while ago when I said that several finishes to matches felt unplanned? This was another example. But if it was planned, it was brilliant. Orton and Miz went back and forth for ten or twelve minutes, when one of them knocked out the referee by accident. While the ref was out, Miz was tossed outside and Orton powerbombed Alex Riley through a table. Miz reentered the ring, hit the Skull-Crushing Finale on Orton, had a stroke of genius, draped Orton's lifeless body to the remains of the table that Orton had just put Riley through, tossed Riley out of the way, awoke the ref, and showed him Orton's lifeless body laying across the debris of the broken table. The ref awarded the win to Miz, and Miz was heading out when the replays showed the action leading to the finish of the match, which the ref saw since the same footage was plastered across the JumboTron at the arena entrance. He restarted the match, and Orton (who had time to recover from Miz's finisher) began an assaunt on Miz, only to have Miz toss Riley into Orton, who fell through another table and lost the match again. I'll give Creative credit for a great finish (if it was, in fact, the planned finish). And once again, Miz required outside help to win a match. I have a feeling that that's going to happen every time he has a title match, much the same as Randy Orton's title run last year. I'm just hoping that John Morrison takes the title from Miz when Morrison gets his title shot, whenever that will be.
Edge defeated Kane, Rey Mysterio, and Alberto Del Rio in a Fatal Four Way TLC Match to become the NEW World Heavyweight Championship
Honestly, I should have seen this coming. I don't know why Mysterio and Del Rio were tossed in there besides keeping Kane and Edge from hurting themselves too much. Del Rio looked like he messed up his wrist pretty badly thanks to some badly taken bumps involving ladders. And the last bump he took (falling from the top of a ladder placed inside the ring all the way down to two tables placed on the floor) looked particularly painful. I'll give these guys credit: they had a pretty good match overall. Probably the second-best match of the night behind the Morrison/Sheamus ladder match. Kane obviously took very few big bumps, as he's probably nearing the end of his career, and Edge only took a couple himself.
After looking at my pick for this match, I realized how silly it was, especially since I'd expected this match to end the night. Having the night end with Alberto Del Rio winning the World Heavyweight Championship would have been a rather whimper of an end to a night filled with violence. This match, however, did not end the show, so my point is moot. However, this was the first match I'd picked incorrectly, so I did feel a twinge of sadness at that. And it didn't get any better from there (as far as picks went).
John Cena defeated Wade Barrett in a Chairs Match
This match could essentially be described as a "Who can no-sell more?" type of match. Both guys took numerous painful-sounding chair shots and acted as though nothing had happened. When Cena put Barrett in a plush chair with wheels and shoved him down the entrance ramp head-first into the steel steps, I thought Barrett would be out for a couple of minutes. Yet less than 30 seconds later, he's hitting Cena with even more steel chairs. While the healing factor of these two were, at times, comical, the ending was at least pretty good. Cena used a Sabu legdrop (that's where you hold a chair under your legs and hit a legdrop from the top rope onto an opponent) and an FU onto six chairs to pick up the win. But that wasn't all. Cena beat Barrett up the entrance ramp and off to the side, trapped Barrett under a loading dolly, and pulled a large chain of chairs down onto the dolly. While it didn't look particularly painful for Barrett, it did look spectacular and made a hell of a noise. Also, I must say that a couple of Cena's chair shots to Barrett sounded remarkably painful for Barrett. Still, it was kind of silly seeing these guys taking bumps that would normally end a match and kicking out of a pin anyway. It was like ECW all over again, only in a better-lit arena.
So that was TLC. And this week, Raw and Smackdown are back to back, with Smackdown airing live this Tuesday. I guess that means I have nothing to do Friday night. Hell, that will give me more time to work on my two awards episodes I'll be posting next week sometime. I hope you've enjoyed this episode of Rantables. I encourage you to leave feedback, positive or negative. Also, starting with the next episode, there will be a new feature that I hope you will all enjoy. Until next time!
Dolph Ziggler defeated Kofi Kingston and Jack Swagger to retain the Intercontinental Championship in a Triple Threat Ladder Match
Unfortunately, I had this result spoiled for me via Facebook. That's the last time I check Facebook before watching a PPV. What I didn't have spoiled for me, however, was how awul this match was. It was an unimpressive effort by all three men, and the ending was complete bullshit. It's probably best to not schedule three ladder matches in one evening, as it tends to spread the really big spots too thin. Repeating a crazy spot lessens the impact that spot would make if it were only performed once. These three guys got royally screwed in that department. But what really put the cap on this stinker was the finish. Kofi and Jack were atop a ladder, fighting for control of the Intercontinental Championship belt, which was dangling by a ring. Ziggler was sitting off in a corner, nowhere near the action. Suddenly, the belt falls, Dolph scurries on top of it, and is named the winner. The announcers said that Kofi and Jack had simultaneously pulled the belt off the ring it was suspended on, and because they didn't keep control of it, they were not declared the winner, but because Dolph pounced on the title after it had landed on the ground, he WAS declared the winner. What in the bluest of blue hells is up with that? Cole, Striker, and Lawler were trying to draw an analogy to football, where a receiver must have possession of the ball when making contact with the ground, or it is considered incomplete. But the situation with Kofi and Co. is more akin to a fumble. WHICH IS NOT HOW LADDER MATCHES WORK! If a guy pulls the title belt off the ring, he is the champion, whether or not he manages to hold on to it. I remember this situation happening in the past, and the guy who pulled the title belt off the ring was ALWAYS declared the winner. It was never the guy who claimed control of it once the belt fell to the canvas. This is one of the worst endings to a match I've seen in some time. If they wanted Ziggler to retain the title, they should have had him climb the ladder and retrieve the belt like every other winner of a ladder match has done. I nearly turned the PPV off, I was so put off by the end to this match. But I decided that one match is not enough of a reason to stop watching a three-hour show. So I stuck around.
Natalya and Beth Phoenix defeated Michelle McCool and Layla in a Tag Team Tables Match
Now, I'm not trying to bash women's wrestling, but when the women's match on a WWE PPV is better than the opening match, you know the opener was awful. But this was actually a pretty good women's tag team match. Well, there weren't any actual tags, but you get my point. There was plenty of table teasing throughout the match, as there is with every tables match. And some of the bumps Beth took throughout the match were pretty sick. Falling on her head at least twice was pretty gruesome to watch, especially when they replayed them eight thousand times during the course of the match. But I guess they weren't enough to take her out of the match, because she still managed to help Nattie win. I completely marked out when Nattie slapped a double sharpshooter on Michelle and Layla, since I'm pretty sure that's never been done before. I was, however, taken out of the moment when, after the match had finished and the replays were playing, when Michael Cole stated something about Nattie "improvising" to finish the match, which to me sounded like the finish was supposed to have Michelle and Layla fall directly through the table from the turnbuckle, rather than the table somehow staying together and Nattie having to dive across LayCool to finish them off. Even if it was an improvised finish, it had a flow to it, and didn't feel tacked on like certain other endings of matches which will be described below. Overall, a pretty solid match that saw women get thrown through tables for the first time since the Dudley Boyz were around.
Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov (c's) defeated Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel by Disqualification to retain the WWE Tag Team Championships
For an unadvertised match, it was decent as well. Though part of me wonders if the interference at the end that was caught by the ref was intentional or accidental, as the match felt like it was just sort of cut off before its natural end. Several endings to matches at TLC felt very unplanned, and in turn ended up looking bad. To me, they looked bad. I don't know how anyone else felt about them. Still, we got all the Santino standards: the split-legged stunner, the kimura toss, the pathetic leg sweep that connected but did absolutely nothing...we also got a legendary headbutt by Kozlov to Slater, who flew a good five feet in the air. I thought that was pretty awesome. The DQ finish was, as stated earlier, a little wonky, and I'm not sure it's how the match was supposed to end, but it did, and Wade Barrett, chair in hand, made sure that the Tag Team Titles mean absolutely nothing in the WWE. Just once, I'd like to see these titles mean something. But that's wishful thinking nowadays. On to more pleasant topics.
John Morrison defeated Sheamus to become the #1 Contender for the WWE Championship
In my estimation, this was the match of the night. Morrison's seeling of a knee injury was probably his best performance of the year, and the fact that neither man would give up the advantage to the other was really quite impressive. I will give Sheamus some credit: he can be carried to a good match, unlike certain other high-profile names who shall not be named just yet but will be when the Ranties roll around in a week or so. There were plenty of ladder spots, including the now-infamous "guy falls through a ladder that was propped up between the ring apron and a barricade/announce table" spot that's now in every PPV that has a ladder match. Sheamus became Mr. No-Sell for most of the match, but thankfully, those parts don't stick out in my mind as much as the better parts of the match, namely Morrison's selling the knee injury. Also, I rather liked the finish, with Morrison, clinging to a ladder, using momentum from the ropes he was standing on to catapult himself towards Sheamus and kick the Irish Milkshake right in the face. It was pretty sweet, and Sheamus sold that like a champ (unlike the rest of the match, but I digress). And Morrison FINALLY earned a WWE Championship match, which I'd been calling for for about the past 18 months. And his opponent could not be more fitting.
The Miz defeated Randy Orton in a Tables Match to retain the WWE Championship
Remember a little while ago when I said that several finishes to matches felt unplanned? This was another example. But if it was planned, it was brilliant. Orton and Miz went back and forth for ten or twelve minutes, when one of them knocked out the referee by accident. While the ref was out, Miz was tossed outside and Orton powerbombed Alex Riley through a table. Miz reentered the ring, hit the Skull-Crushing Finale on Orton, had a stroke of genius, draped Orton's lifeless body to the remains of the table that Orton had just put Riley through, tossed Riley out of the way, awoke the ref, and showed him Orton's lifeless body laying across the debris of the broken table. The ref awarded the win to Miz, and Miz was heading out when the replays showed the action leading to the finish of the match, which the ref saw since the same footage was plastered across the JumboTron at the arena entrance. He restarted the match, and Orton (who had time to recover from Miz's finisher) began an assaunt on Miz, only to have Miz toss Riley into Orton, who fell through another table and lost the match again. I'll give Creative credit for a great finish (if it was, in fact, the planned finish). And once again, Miz required outside help to win a match. I have a feeling that that's going to happen every time he has a title match, much the same as Randy Orton's title run last year. I'm just hoping that John Morrison takes the title from Miz when Morrison gets his title shot, whenever that will be.
Edge defeated Kane, Rey Mysterio, and Alberto Del Rio in a Fatal Four Way TLC Match to become the NEW World Heavyweight Championship
Honestly, I should have seen this coming. I don't know why Mysterio and Del Rio were tossed in there besides keeping Kane and Edge from hurting themselves too much. Del Rio looked like he messed up his wrist pretty badly thanks to some badly taken bumps involving ladders. And the last bump he took (falling from the top of a ladder placed inside the ring all the way down to two tables placed on the floor) looked particularly painful. I'll give these guys credit: they had a pretty good match overall. Probably the second-best match of the night behind the Morrison/Sheamus ladder match. Kane obviously took very few big bumps, as he's probably nearing the end of his career, and Edge only took a couple himself.
After looking at my pick for this match, I realized how silly it was, especially since I'd expected this match to end the night. Having the night end with Alberto Del Rio winning the World Heavyweight Championship would have been a rather whimper of an end to a night filled with violence. This match, however, did not end the show, so my point is moot. However, this was the first match I'd picked incorrectly, so I did feel a twinge of sadness at that. And it didn't get any better from there (as far as picks went).
John Cena defeated Wade Barrett in a Chairs Match
This match could essentially be described as a "Who can no-sell more?" type of match. Both guys took numerous painful-sounding chair shots and acted as though nothing had happened. When Cena put Barrett in a plush chair with wheels and shoved him down the entrance ramp head-first into the steel steps, I thought Barrett would be out for a couple of minutes. Yet less than 30 seconds later, he's hitting Cena with even more steel chairs. While the healing factor of these two were, at times, comical, the ending was at least pretty good. Cena used a Sabu legdrop (that's where you hold a chair under your legs and hit a legdrop from the top rope onto an opponent) and an FU onto six chairs to pick up the win. But that wasn't all. Cena beat Barrett up the entrance ramp and off to the side, trapped Barrett under a loading dolly, and pulled a large chain of chairs down onto the dolly. While it didn't look particularly painful for Barrett, it did look spectacular and made a hell of a noise. Also, I must say that a couple of Cena's chair shots to Barrett sounded remarkably painful for Barrett. Still, it was kind of silly seeing these guys taking bumps that would normally end a match and kicking out of a pin anyway. It was like ECW all over again, only in a better-lit arena.
So that was TLC. And this week, Raw and Smackdown are back to back, with Smackdown airing live this Tuesday. I guess that means I have nothing to do Friday night. Hell, that will give me more time to work on my two awards episodes I'll be posting next week sometime. I hope you've enjoyed this episode of Rantables. I encourage you to leave feedback, positive or negative. Also, starting with the next episode, there will be a new feature that I hope you will all enjoy. Until next time!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Episode 3 - TLC Picks
Welcome to Episode 3 of Rantables! This will be the first (on the new blag, anyway) Pay-Per-View picks post I will be making. Sadly, they will not have a hilarious pun for the title, as the other posts will have. Also, for future reference, tomorrow I will be posting results and my thoughts on the show. This is the format I've been using for nearly two years on the other blag, and I see no reason to change it. Now, on to the show!
For a PPV with an unimpressive lead-in, the show itself looks pretty decent. Six matches, all stipulation matches, and a couple of unique matches we've not seen. Get ready for TLC!
Women's Tag Team Table Match - Natalya (c) and Beth Phoenix vs. Michelle McCool and Layla
Seeing as how Vince loves promoting women being total bitches to each other, they gave Michelle McCool the Diva of the Year Slammy Award. Or, rather, she won it in a battle royal. Not exactly the best way to crown the Diva of the Year, but I digress. LayCool has been annoying the hell out of everyone for well over a year now, and I for one would really like to spend my Friday nights watching something entertaining. Michelle and Layla have been nothing but petty schoolgirls making fun of other women for seemingly no reason and resorting to the lowest common denominator when they do so. Yes, it's their character, but it's gotten very old. I was over them after the whole Mickie James fiasco, and that was almost a year ago! Can we please move on to a point where the women in this company can be respected for their athleticism and dedication to their craft rather than reviled for their childish acts? I have all the respect in the world for Nattie Neidhart. She's above all this, and she's by far the most talented woman WWE has employed right now. If WWE would take a page from CHIKARA's notebook and let the women work with the men (the women with any semblance of talent, anyway), I might get around to respecting Vince's choices a little more than I have been (which would be none at all). Anyway, I'm hoping for a complete squash of LayCool. I'll go ahead and say Natalya and Beth Phoenix win the match, by simultaneously putting Michelle and Layla through tables. Oh, how glorious that moment will be. And if it doesn't happen, at least I can imagine it happening. Aaahhhh, that was satisfying.
#1 Contenders Ladder Match for the WWE Championship - Sheamus vs. John Morrison
This match will determine the outcome of the WWE Title match, which I would think would be later in the card. If Sheamus wins, then Randy Orton wins, and if John Morrison wins, The Miz will retain the title. But really, do we need to see Orton vs. Sheamus again? They've had two programs this year already: once at the beginning of the year, and once a couple of months ago. Besides, I will probably never think Sheamus is truly a main event-level talent. John Morrison has been needing this push since he and Miz broke up a couple of years ago. In my mind, the wrong guy was pushed to the top. But you already read my tirade on Miz in Episode 1. And if you haven't, please do read it. Anyway, this match favors Morrison in it being a ladder match. Knowing Morrison, he'll attempt some crazy insane move off the top of a ladder onto a prone Sheamus laying on the announce table or something. I'm still miffed that Morrison's insane dive off the stage in his Triple Threat match against Miz and DBD didn't win Holy Poop Moment of the Year. Morrison has all the tools to succeed. Last year, people were calling him the next Shawn Michaels. But his character is stagnant, and it needs s jump-start. A swerve heel turn would put new life into his persona, which has been lacking since he turned face. He's energetic, flashy, and full of talent. The only thing he needs is an actual push. I just hope this isn't one of those "one-and-done" pushes that guys like MVP and Evan "Matt Sydal" Bourne have had (Sidenote: I'd really love to see MVP take on Eddie Kingston sometime. I think they'd have an awesome brawl). If Morrison wins, it will be the culmination of a nearly two-year-long feud between him and Miz that really should have been taken advantage of when they first split. But hey, better late than never, right? That's my hope, anyway. I'm picking John Morrison to win this ladder match and move on to face Miz at the Royal Rumble.
Chairs Match - John Cena vs. Wade Barrett
I'm actually a little disappointed that they never used the "Juan Cena" gimmick that had been used in house shows during the time Cena was "fired." I know it's a silly gimmick, but I enjoy it. For those of you who didn't hear, during house shows after Cena was fired, his "Mexican cousin, Juan Cena" would wrestle matches wearing a mask. Everybody knew it was Cena, and I'm guessing that because of crowd reactions, they never used the gimmick on TV. Like I said, it's a silly gimmick, but it's one I never really get tired of. Heck, it saved Miz's career after he was "fired" from Raw a year or so ago. Anyway, to the match. I guess you could say this is the best feud going right now, but that really isn't saying terribly much. At least Cena's managed to help get a total of ten guys over in the past six months. The entire Nexus owes a humongous debt of gratitude to John Cena for helping them get to where they are today. Well, they're not doing terribly well right now, but for a time they were the strongest faction in the WWE in quite some time. Having between four and eight guys helped, as more bodies equals more power. At least, in theory. Cena has managed to whittle the group down, and is now facing Barrett for control of Raw (again). I'm not entirely sure what a Chairs Match entails, but I would imagine that steel chairs are legal. Whether anything else is is a matter of debate, and we won't know until tonight what all else can happen during the match. I'm betting that outside interference is grounds for disqualification, so the rest of Nexus will likely not be able to interfere in the match. And judging by how much the fans want to see Cena exact his revenge on Barrett, I'd be very inclined to give the win to him. But something tells me that something funny is going to happen, and we won't get a real conclusion to the match. I'm betting we're getting a rematch at the Royal Rumble. So the crowd doesn't get what it wants. I think Wade Barret will win, though by what means I do not know. Either that, or it's a No Contest with Nexus interfering like they always do.
Intercontinental Championship Triple Threat Ladder Match - Dolph Ziggler (c) vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger
This could be the sleeper match of the night. Ziggles and Kofi have had some good matches, and putting ladders in their hands and telling them to go nuts is only going to make everything that much crazier. The only reason Jack Swagger is in this match is to help protect Ziggles, who's still recovering from a concussion he suffered at Survivor Series. Probably when Kaval gave him a stiff kick to the face. But he's persevered, and managed to hold onto the title until now. For that, I give him a hearty thumbs up. But does he lose the title here? Swagger's been toiling around doing nothing of importance since he lost the World Heavyweight Championship a few months back, and Kofi is due any day now for a push to the main event. Or at least that's what I've been saying for a year now. So I don't think either of them would benefit from an Intercontinental Title reign, even if it's brief. Ziggles is really starting to pick things up, and a loss here would ruin his rising star. I'm going to pick Dolph Ziggler to win and retain the Intercontinental Championship.
By the way, why isn't the United States Championship being defended? Moving on...
WWE Championship Tables Match - The Miz (c) vs. Randy Orton
I do not get Randy Orton's popularity. It's like he's trying to be this anti-hero like Stone Cold Steve Austin was a decade ago: an anti-establishment character concerned with only one thing - winning at all costs. But he never really seems to have left his heel persona behind. So I'm not a fan. It doesn't help that I'm still questioning his real life persona after what he did a couple of years ago, trashing hotel rooms in Europe. I would imagine he's cleaned up his act since he's a father now, but I'm still wary. You all know my thoughts on the Miz (go read Episode 1 if you haven't already), and I would prefer Orton to be champion than him. But Miz has enough outside help that it's going to be difficult for anyone to take the title from him. As long as Alex Riley is outside the ring and Michael Cole behind the desk, there are two men who will likely screw over anyone who might be in a position to win. Besides, the (hopefully) upcoming Miz/Morrison feud would require Miz to still be champion. And since WWE seems to be pimping Miz out to every media outlet like a prostitute, I'd imagine he'll be champion for at least a little while longer. So I'm picking The Miz to win and retain the WWE Championship. I'd imagine copious interference, though, so like every one of Miz's wins, it's a weak win.
World Heavyweight Championship Fatal Four Way Tables, Ladders, and Chairs Match - Kane (c) vs. Edge vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Alberto Del Rio
Why this was changed from Kane vs. Edge to a Fatal Four Way match is beyond me. It screams that the title is changing hands, just not to who we thought it would go to as we'd been thinking for the past month. Del Rio has proved that he's a pretty damn good competitor, but maybe not quite yet deserving of the many weeks of hype he got before his debut. Is he World Heavyweight Championship material? Perhaps. But I'm not a fan of giving a fresh face a World Title to help establish their identity (see: Jack Swagger's ECW Title reign, Sheamus' WWE Title reign). Del Rio is significantly more talented, both in the ring and on the mic, than both Swagger and Sheamus combined, but I still would hope that he gets built up to receiving a World Title run, not using it as a prop to make him better known. Mysterio, I have absolutely no idea why he's in this match. He doesn't really need another World Title reign, and when I last checked, he was hoping to take some time off to help heal some nagging injuries. Pile this on top of the worst feud of the year and you've got a recipe for a major clusterfuck. Yes, Kane and Edge's program is the worst high-profile feud of the year. They'll be getting an award for it at the Ranties award show at the end of the year. Edge will be receiving another Rantie, but you'll have to wait until that Episode is posted to find out what it is. Anyway, this probably won't be the quality ladder match we'll get from the Intercontinental Championship match, as all four competitors in this match are 33 years old or older. What does this mean? It means that all four men have been in the business for many years, and they are going to take fewer risks than the younger guys in order to preserve their ailing bodies. Rey Mysterio has been in the business for over 20 years. Kane and Edge have each been around for over 15. And Del Rio has been working for a decade. That's 60 years of in-ring experience between the four guys. I can't imagine any of them doing any completely insane stunts like they might have done 10 years ago. Still, someone might pull off some completely crazy spot in the match, like Rey scaling a ladder that Kane is holding vertical or something similar. But the important part is figuring out who's going to come out of the match with the World Heavyweight Championship. Mysterio is out, as he's supposedly taking time off. I don't really think Edge needs another title run, though being a 10-time World Champion sounds a lot better than a 9-time World Champion. It has that round feel, ya know? I think Kane may, in fact, lose the title, but not to Edge. I have a feeling that Vince McMahon will be, once again, putting a World Title on a (mostly) unproven talent. Call me crazy, but I'm picking Alberto Del Rio to win and become the NEW World Heavyweight Champion. Hey, at least one title needs to change hands tonight, right?
Okay, there you have it. Survivor Series picks by yours truly. And with two hours to spare! So stay tuned, as tomorrow I'll be giving a recap of the show, as well as my thoughts and opinions of what went down. Stick around for that episode, and I'll see you all real soon!
For a PPV with an unimpressive lead-in, the show itself looks pretty decent. Six matches, all stipulation matches, and a couple of unique matches we've not seen. Get ready for TLC!
Women's Tag Team Table Match - Natalya (c) and Beth Phoenix vs. Michelle McCool and Layla
Seeing as how Vince loves promoting women being total bitches to each other, they gave Michelle McCool the Diva of the Year Slammy Award. Or, rather, she won it in a battle royal. Not exactly the best way to crown the Diva of the Year, but I digress. LayCool has been annoying the hell out of everyone for well over a year now, and I for one would really like to spend my Friday nights watching something entertaining. Michelle and Layla have been nothing but petty schoolgirls making fun of other women for seemingly no reason and resorting to the lowest common denominator when they do so. Yes, it's their character, but it's gotten very old. I was over them after the whole Mickie James fiasco, and that was almost a year ago! Can we please move on to a point where the women in this company can be respected for their athleticism and dedication to their craft rather than reviled for their childish acts? I have all the respect in the world for Nattie Neidhart. She's above all this, and she's by far the most talented woman WWE has employed right now. If WWE would take a page from CHIKARA's notebook and let the women work with the men (the women with any semblance of talent, anyway), I might get around to respecting Vince's choices a little more than I have been (which would be none at all). Anyway, I'm hoping for a complete squash of LayCool. I'll go ahead and say Natalya and Beth Phoenix win the match, by simultaneously putting Michelle and Layla through tables. Oh, how glorious that moment will be. And if it doesn't happen, at least I can imagine it happening. Aaahhhh, that was satisfying.
#1 Contenders Ladder Match for the WWE Championship - Sheamus vs. John Morrison
This match will determine the outcome of the WWE Title match, which I would think would be later in the card. If Sheamus wins, then Randy Orton wins, and if John Morrison wins, The Miz will retain the title. But really, do we need to see Orton vs. Sheamus again? They've had two programs this year already: once at the beginning of the year, and once a couple of months ago. Besides, I will probably never think Sheamus is truly a main event-level talent. John Morrison has been needing this push since he and Miz broke up a couple of years ago. In my mind, the wrong guy was pushed to the top. But you already read my tirade on Miz in Episode 1. And if you haven't, please do read it. Anyway, this match favors Morrison in it being a ladder match. Knowing Morrison, he'll attempt some crazy insane move off the top of a ladder onto a prone Sheamus laying on the announce table or something. I'm still miffed that Morrison's insane dive off the stage in his Triple Threat match against Miz and DBD didn't win Holy Poop Moment of the Year. Morrison has all the tools to succeed. Last year, people were calling him the next Shawn Michaels. But his character is stagnant, and it needs s jump-start. A swerve heel turn would put new life into his persona, which has been lacking since he turned face. He's energetic, flashy, and full of talent. The only thing he needs is an actual push. I just hope this isn't one of those "one-and-done" pushes that guys like MVP and Evan "Matt Sydal" Bourne have had (Sidenote: I'd really love to see MVP take on Eddie Kingston sometime. I think they'd have an awesome brawl). If Morrison wins, it will be the culmination of a nearly two-year-long feud between him and Miz that really should have been taken advantage of when they first split. But hey, better late than never, right? That's my hope, anyway. I'm picking John Morrison to win this ladder match and move on to face Miz at the Royal Rumble.
Chairs Match - John Cena vs. Wade Barrett
I'm actually a little disappointed that they never used the "Juan Cena" gimmick that had been used in house shows during the time Cena was "fired." I know it's a silly gimmick, but I enjoy it. For those of you who didn't hear, during house shows after Cena was fired, his "Mexican cousin, Juan Cena" would wrestle matches wearing a mask. Everybody knew it was Cena, and I'm guessing that because of crowd reactions, they never used the gimmick on TV. Like I said, it's a silly gimmick, but it's one I never really get tired of. Heck, it saved Miz's career after he was "fired" from Raw a year or so ago. Anyway, to the match. I guess you could say this is the best feud going right now, but that really isn't saying terribly much. At least Cena's managed to help get a total of ten guys over in the past six months. The entire Nexus owes a humongous debt of gratitude to John Cena for helping them get to where they are today. Well, they're not doing terribly well right now, but for a time they were the strongest faction in the WWE in quite some time. Having between four and eight guys helped, as more bodies equals more power. At least, in theory. Cena has managed to whittle the group down, and is now facing Barrett for control of Raw (again). I'm not entirely sure what a Chairs Match entails, but I would imagine that steel chairs are legal. Whether anything else is is a matter of debate, and we won't know until tonight what all else can happen during the match. I'm betting that outside interference is grounds for disqualification, so the rest of Nexus will likely not be able to interfere in the match. And judging by how much the fans want to see Cena exact his revenge on Barrett, I'd be very inclined to give the win to him. But something tells me that something funny is going to happen, and we won't get a real conclusion to the match. I'm betting we're getting a rematch at the Royal Rumble. So the crowd doesn't get what it wants. I think Wade Barret will win, though by what means I do not know. Either that, or it's a No Contest with Nexus interfering like they always do.
Intercontinental Championship Triple Threat Ladder Match - Dolph Ziggler (c) vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger
This could be the sleeper match of the night. Ziggles and Kofi have had some good matches, and putting ladders in their hands and telling them to go nuts is only going to make everything that much crazier. The only reason Jack Swagger is in this match is to help protect Ziggles, who's still recovering from a concussion he suffered at Survivor Series. Probably when Kaval gave him a stiff kick to the face. But he's persevered, and managed to hold onto the title until now. For that, I give him a hearty thumbs up. But does he lose the title here? Swagger's been toiling around doing nothing of importance since he lost the World Heavyweight Championship a few months back, and Kofi is due any day now for a push to the main event. Or at least that's what I've been saying for a year now. So I don't think either of them would benefit from an Intercontinental Title reign, even if it's brief. Ziggles is really starting to pick things up, and a loss here would ruin his rising star. I'm going to pick Dolph Ziggler to win and retain the Intercontinental Championship.
By the way, why isn't the United States Championship being defended? Moving on...
WWE Championship Tables Match - The Miz (c) vs. Randy Orton
I do not get Randy Orton's popularity. It's like he's trying to be this anti-hero like Stone Cold Steve Austin was a decade ago: an anti-establishment character concerned with only one thing - winning at all costs. But he never really seems to have left his heel persona behind. So I'm not a fan. It doesn't help that I'm still questioning his real life persona after what he did a couple of years ago, trashing hotel rooms in Europe. I would imagine he's cleaned up his act since he's a father now, but I'm still wary. You all know my thoughts on the Miz (go read Episode 1 if you haven't already), and I would prefer Orton to be champion than him. But Miz has enough outside help that it's going to be difficult for anyone to take the title from him. As long as Alex Riley is outside the ring and Michael Cole behind the desk, there are two men who will likely screw over anyone who might be in a position to win. Besides, the (hopefully) upcoming Miz/Morrison feud would require Miz to still be champion. And since WWE seems to be pimping Miz out to every media outlet like a prostitute, I'd imagine he'll be champion for at least a little while longer. So I'm picking The Miz to win and retain the WWE Championship. I'd imagine copious interference, though, so like every one of Miz's wins, it's a weak win.
World Heavyweight Championship Fatal Four Way Tables, Ladders, and Chairs Match - Kane (c) vs. Edge vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Alberto Del Rio
Why this was changed from Kane vs. Edge to a Fatal Four Way match is beyond me. It screams that the title is changing hands, just not to who we thought it would go to as we'd been thinking for the past month. Del Rio has proved that he's a pretty damn good competitor, but maybe not quite yet deserving of the many weeks of hype he got before his debut. Is he World Heavyweight Championship material? Perhaps. But I'm not a fan of giving a fresh face a World Title to help establish their identity (see: Jack Swagger's ECW Title reign, Sheamus' WWE Title reign). Del Rio is significantly more talented, both in the ring and on the mic, than both Swagger and Sheamus combined, but I still would hope that he gets built up to receiving a World Title run, not using it as a prop to make him better known. Mysterio, I have absolutely no idea why he's in this match. He doesn't really need another World Title reign, and when I last checked, he was hoping to take some time off to help heal some nagging injuries. Pile this on top of the worst feud of the year and you've got a recipe for a major clusterfuck. Yes, Kane and Edge's program is the worst high-profile feud of the year. They'll be getting an award for it at the Ranties award show at the end of the year. Edge will be receiving another Rantie, but you'll have to wait until that Episode is posted to find out what it is. Anyway, this probably won't be the quality ladder match we'll get from the Intercontinental Championship match, as all four competitors in this match are 33 years old or older. What does this mean? It means that all four men have been in the business for many years, and they are going to take fewer risks than the younger guys in order to preserve their ailing bodies. Rey Mysterio has been in the business for over 20 years. Kane and Edge have each been around for over 15. And Del Rio has been working for a decade. That's 60 years of in-ring experience between the four guys. I can't imagine any of them doing any completely insane stunts like they might have done 10 years ago. Still, someone might pull off some completely crazy spot in the match, like Rey scaling a ladder that Kane is holding vertical or something similar. But the important part is figuring out who's going to come out of the match with the World Heavyweight Championship. Mysterio is out, as he's supposedly taking time off. I don't really think Edge needs another title run, though being a 10-time World Champion sounds a lot better than a 9-time World Champion. It has that round feel, ya know? I think Kane may, in fact, lose the title, but not to Edge. I have a feeling that Vince McMahon will be, once again, putting a World Title on a (mostly) unproven talent. Call me crazy, but I'm picking Alberto Del Rio to win and become the NEW World Heavyweight Champion. Hey, at least one title needs to change hands tonight, right?
Okay, there you have it. Survivor Series picks by yours truly. And with two hours to spare! So stay tuned, as tomorrow I'll be giving a recap of the show, as well as my thoughts and opinions of what went down. Stick around for that episode, and I'll see you all real soon!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Episode 2 - Feed a Fever, Starve a Cole
Welcome to Episode 2 of what I hope to be a long-running blog series. I should have been posting content more frequently, but at least I'm writing now. Also, any comments on the titles are appreciated. If you want me to stop with the puns, I will. Actually, I probably won't. But I do appreciate feedback.
I almost felt like giving this week's subject a reprieve, what with the events of Raw happening and all. But I will not stay my opinions, for they must be heard! So begins Episode 2.
Michael Cole...he's become such a central figure of Monday Night Raw in the past six months. And to think that nobody ever expected him to be anything more than a backstage interviewer. But he has his share of haters. Oh, does he ever have his share of haters. Admittedly, I am one of them. But I actually have reasons as to why I hate him. Not the person, mind you (though I do have some issues with him, but I'll save that for later). Rather, I am perennially annoyed by his character.
Now, I have several problems with the character of "Michael Cole, Raw Play-By-Play Announcer." To quote the title of a CHIKARA show (mind you, I will likely be citing CHIKARA many times as I feel it is the best wrestling promotion in the world today, but more will be said about them in future episodes), wrestling announcers need "Wit, Verve, and a Bit O' Nerve." Cole has none of these, and it hinders his ability to entertain an audience the way a more talented announcer can. The fact that he has no character also hinders his ability to entertain. Let's look at each aspect in greater detail, shall we?
wit [wit] - the keen perception and cleverly apt expression of those connections between ideas that awaken amusement and pleasure (credit to all definitions goes to dictionary.com)
If you've seen any WWE show over the past decade or so, you know that Cole has no wit. Cole has never been able to connect two events together seamlessly, and he covers it up by discussing either the main event of the evening or a storyline completely unrelated to the match going on. He has had to rely on his color commentators to do that. Thankfully, he's usually had very good partners at the announce table (Tazz, JBL, and more recently, CM Punk), so this flaw is oftentimes covered up. But during his most recent tenure as Raw's play-by-play announcer, his lack of wit has really shone through. Wit could also be thought of as one's ability to improvise and banter with fellow announcers, and it is this area where Cole truly shines as a bastion of pathetic-ness. Listening to him and CM Punk working together on Raw is as though we are listening to two entirely different talent levels. Punk has been nothing short of spectacular in the few weeks he's been a part of the Raw broadcast team, and he certainly has it as a career choice once his in-ring days are finished. Punk is smart, quick-witted, and highly attuned to the business as a whole, not just the WWE. Seeing him wearing an I (Star of David) Colt t-shirt under his sport coat a couple of weeks ago probably made every smark fan wet themselves with joy. I know I did. Figuratively, of course. Punk isn't afraid to be himself and censor his thoughts. Ditto Matt Striker, though only when he's on PPV, since I'm sure they censor most of his commentary on Smackdown. But it's these types of things that make them great commentators, and Michael Cole's complete lack of wit has doomed him to be reviled by the general populace. But wait, there's more!
verve [vurv] - enthusiasm or vigor; liveliness
Michael Cole used to have verve. Back when he was a young buck working on Smackdown, he had bundles of energy. Sometimes, he shows energy during matches. But they are more through various strange and random sound effects he makes instead of calling moves in the ring. I highly doubt that there are dozens of moves called "OOOOOFFFFVVVV!" At least, that's what someone would think they are called if they were watching wrestling for the first time and had to experience Cole's calls. At least the other play-by-play men have some semblance of verve while calling matches. Josh Matthews, during his calling of this past week's Raw, was chock-full of vigor during the matches, especially during the climaxes of the matches. Even CM Punk, who plays his part perfectly, knows when to emphasize the action in the ring. Hell, even Todd Grisham does this well. But Cole only does it occasionally. And it's usually during title matches. Michael Cole should take a lesson from some of the indy commentators, especially Bryce Remsburg while he's calling CHIKARA matches. During the craziest of the crazy spots, it sounds as though he's jumping out of his seat, screaming at the top of his lungs. And it's fantastic! It really feels like he's getting into the match as much as the fans are. When you show enthusiasm, it tells me that you're a fan of the product. Yes, it's important to be low-key sometimes, but you have to know when to expend energy while calling a match.
But wait, there's more!
nerve [nurv] - boldness; audacity; impudence; impertinence
Now, here is where some of you may think Michael Cole shines. However, I think he does not, in fact, cover this quality. Instead of having "A Bit O' Nerve," Cole is just an asshole. His character is nonexistent. And "Asshole" doesn't count as a character. It is a trait that is PART of a character. Actually, this somewhat explains his seemingly sexual attraction to The Miz. They're both assholes, with no real character in mind.
Sidebar: I don't always believe that a wrestler has to portray a character. But those that are merely themselves have copious talent, both in the ring and on the mic, to make up for a lack of a character choice. Guys like Mike Quackenbush come to mind when I think of a wrestler who doesn't portray a specific character on screen. And he doesn't have to, because he lets his in-ring talent speak for itself. Sidebar Complete.
Sure, Cole gets on my nerves all the damn time. But it's because his only character trait is...how to put this nicely..."Giant Dick-Hole." I understand that the purpose of a heel announcer is to oppose any face announcers and face wrestlers, but at least the great heel announcers back up their heelish tactics with wit. If you look back at announcers like Jesse Ventura and Bobby Heenan, they use many of the same verbal tactics Cole uses, only they provide insight at the same time and have copious intelligence to back up their villainous personas. It also helps that they were true characters instead of character traits. It also helps a heel announcer to have reasons for opposing the face wrestlers. Cole's entire shtick began because he derided Daniel Bryan Danielson for NO REASON AT ALL. Cole always describes DBD as a nerd and cites that as his only reason why he acts as a heel towards Danielson. It's a petty attempt at getting as much heat as possible, but it just gets annoying more than anything else.
But what makes it even worse is that Cole still cheers for some of the babyface wrestlers. He's still hugely supportive of John Cena, and that weakens his credibility as a heel announcer. It also hurts him that he isn't a former wrestler himself, and as such has almost no experience working matches the way every color commentator has. It's easier to believe a color commentator as a heel because they have established characters. The play-by-play man's job is to call the action and to be a foil for the color man, not to provide his own opinions.
I do realize that the majority of the nerve section stems from Vince McMahon being in Cole's ear during the entire show, but you would think that an announcer should be able to think for himself. When you have an announcer who speaks from his own mind and heart instead of the mind of someone else, that's when you get truly great announcers. I firmly believe that Jim Ross called most of his matches from his own mind, and that is what made him one of the greatest announcers of all time. Well, that and his ability to actually call a match move for move. The same goes for Joey Styles.
So, there you have it. A (hopefully to you) well-thought-out explanation of Michael Cole's shortcomings as an announcer for WWE. I would hope that he is taken off the announce table soon and revealed as the Raw General Manager so he can perform as a character instead of just a character trait. I would love to see (and hear) Jim Ross back at the helm, but I think he's happier not having to travel every week. I could envision CM Punk and Jerry Lawler working as a duo, or perhaps keeping Josh Matthews on Raw for the foreseeable future. Either way, it makes Raw immensely more tolerable to watch than with Cole doing play-by-play.
I hope you've enjoyed Episode 2 of Rantables. Stay tuned for more crazy ramblings, and be sure to check out my end of the year awards, the Ranties. They won't be around for about another three weeks, but do check them out when they arrive. Thanks for reading, and I'll rant at you again soon!
I almost felt like giving this week's subject a reprieve, what with the events of Raw happening and all. But I will not stay my opinions, for they must be heard! So begins Episode 2.
Michael Cole...he's become such a central figure of Monday Night Raw in the past six months. And to think that nobody ever expected him to be anything more than a backstage interviewer. But he has his share of haters. Oh, does he ever have his share of haters. Admittedly, I am one of them. But I actually have reasons as to why I hate him. Not the person, mind you (though I do have some issues with him, but I'll save that for later). Rather, I am perennially annoyed by his character.
Now, I have several problems with the character of "Michael Cole, Raw Play-By-Play Announcer." To quote the title of a CHIKARA show (mind you, I will likely be citing CHIKARA many times as I feel it is the best wrestling promotion in the world today, but more will be said about them in future episodes), wrestling announcers need "Wit, Verve, and a Bit O' Nerve." Cole has none of these, and it hinders his ability to entertain an audience the way a more talented announcer can. The fact that he has no character also hinders his ability to entertain. Let's look at each aspect in greater detail, shall we?
wit [wit] - the keen perception and cleverly apt expression of those connections between ideas that awaken amusement and pleasure (credit to all definitions goes to dictionary.com)
If you've seen any WWE show over the past decade or so, you know that Cole has no wit. Cole has never been able to connect two events together seamlessly, and he covers it up by discussing either the main event of the evening or a storyline completely unrelated to the match going on. He has had to rely on his color commentators to do that. Thankfully, he's usually had very good partners at the announce table (Tazz, JBL, and more recently, CM Punk), so this flaw is oftentimes covered up. But during his most recent tenure as Raw's play-by-play announcer, his lack of wit has really shone through. Wit could also be thought of as one's ability to improvise and banter with fellow announcers, and it is this area where Cole truly shines as a bastion of pathetic-ness. Listening to him and CM Punk working together on Raw is as though we are listening to two entirely different talent levels. Punk has been nothing short of spectacular in the few weeks he's been a part of the Raw broadcast team, and he certainly has it as a career choice once his in-ring days are finished. Punk is smart, quick-witted, and highly attuned to the business as a whole, not just the WWE. Seeing him wearing an I (Star of David) Colt t-shirt under his sport coat a couple of weeks ago probably made every smark fan wet themselves with joy. I know I did. Figuratively, of course. Punk isn't afraid to be himself and censor his thoughts. Ditto Matt Striker, though only when he's on PPV, since I'm sure they censor most of his commentary on Smackdown. But it's these types of things that make them great commentators, and Michael Cole's complete lack of wit has doomed him to be reviled by the general populace. But wait, there's more!
verve [vurv] - enthusiasm or vigor; liveliness
Michael Cole used to have verve. Back when he was a young buck working on Smackdown, he had bundles of energy. Sometimes, he shows energy during matches. But they are more through various strange and random sound effects he makes instead of calling moves in the ring. I highly doubt that there are dozens of moves called "OOOOOFFFFVVVV!" At least, that's what someone would think they are called if they were watching wrestling for the first time and had to experience Cole's calls. At least the other play-by-play men have some semblance of verve while calling matches. Josh Matthews, during his calling of this past week's Raw, was chock-full of vigor during the matches, especially during the climaxes of the matches. Even CM Punk, who plays his part perfectly, knows when to emphasize the action in the ring. Hell, even Todd Grisham does this well. But Cole only does it occasionally. And it's usually during title matches. Michael Cole should take a lesson from some of the indy commentators, especially Bryce Remsburg while he's calling CHIKARA matches. During the craziest of the crazy spots, it sounds as though he's jumping out of his seat, screaming at the top of his lungs. And it's fantastic! It really feels like he's getting into the match as much as the fans are. When you show enthusiasm, it tells me that you're a fan of the product. Yes, it's important to be low-key sometimes, but you have to know when to expend energy while calling a match.
But wait, there's more!
nerve [nurv] - boldness; audacity; impudence; impertinence
Now, here is where some of you may think Michael Cole shines. However, I think he does not, in fact, cover this quality. Instead of having "A Bit O' Nerve," Cole is just an asshole. His character is nonexistent. And "Asshole" doesn't count as a character. It is a trait that is PART of a character. Actually, this somewhat explains his seemingly sexual attraction to The Miz. They're both assholes, with no real character in mind.
Sidebar: I don't always believe that a wrestler has to portray a character. But those that are merely themselves have copious talent, both in the ring and on the mic, to make up for a lack of a character choice. Guys like Mike Quackenbush come to mind when I think of a wrestler who doesn't portray a specific character on screen. And he doesn't have to, because he lets his in-ring talent speak for itself. Sidebar Complete.
Sure, Cole gets on my nerves all the damn time. But it's because his only character trait is...how to put this nicely..."Giant Dick-Hole." I understand that the purpose of a heel announcer is to oppose any face announcers and face wrestlers, but at least the great heel announcers back up their heelish tactics with wit. If you look back at announcers like Jesse Ventura and Bobby Heenan, they use many of the same verbal tactics Cole uses, only they provide insight at the same time and have copious intelligence to back up their villainous personas. It also helps that they were true characters instead of character traits. It also helps a heel announcer to have reasons for opposing the face wrestlers. Cole's entire shtick began because he derided Daniel Bryan Danielson for NO REASON AT ALL. Cole always describes DBD as a nerd and cites that as his only reason why he acts as a heel towards Danielson. It's a petty attempt at getting as much heat as possible, but it just gets annoying more than anything else.
But what makes it even worse is that Cole still cheers for some of the babyface wrestlers. He's still hugely supportive of John Cena, and that weakens his credibility as a heel announcer. It also hurts him that he isn't a former wrestler himself, and as such has almost no experience working matches the way every color commentator has. It's easier to believe a color commentator as a heel because they have established characters. The play-by-play man's job is to call the action and to be a foil for the color man, not to provide his own opinions.
I do realize that the majority of the nerve section stems from Vince McMahon being in Cole's ear during the entire show, but you would think that an announcer should be able to think for himself. When you have an announcer who speaks from his own mind and heart instead of the mind of someone else, that's when you get truly great announcers. I firmly believe that Jim Ross called most of his matches from his own mind, and that is what made him one of the greatest announcers of all time. Well, that and his ability to actually call a match move for move. The same goes for Joey Styles.
So, there you have it. A (hopefully to you) well-thought-out explanation of Michael Cole's shortcomings as an announcer for WWE. I would hope that he is taken off the announce table soon and revealed as the Raw General Manager so he can perform as a character instead of just a character trait. I would love to see (and hear) Jim Ross back at the helm, but I think he's happier not having to travel every week. I could envision CM Punk and Jerry Lawler working as a duo, or perhaps keeping Josh Matthews on Raw for the foreseeable future. Either way, it makes Raw immensely more tolerable to watch than with Cole doing play-by-play.
I hope you've enjoyed Episode 2 of Rantables. Stay tuned for more crazy ramblings, and be sure to check out my end of the year awards, the Ranties. They won't be around for about another three weeks, but do check them out when they arrive. Thanks for reading, and I'll rant at you again soon!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Episode 1 - Miz-ery Loves Company
Welcome to the first in what will hopefully be a long line of blog posts by yours truly regarding the sport of professional wrestling. I'm hoping to entertain those who read it and maybe, just maybe, give an original opinion. That's what these posts are: opinion. I am not a trained wrestler, nor do I have any desire to get in the ring and do what these men and women do week in and week out. I have the utmost respect for them, and while my criticism may be harsh at times, I will try to be more positive than negative, offering constructive criticism rather than blatant angry rants. Yes, the title of this blog is Rantables, but hey, I can try to help as well as entertain. Okay, on with the show!
Nine days ago, something happened I did not think would ever happen: Mike Mizanin became a WWE Champion. A World Champion. If you had told me five years ago that he would be the WWE Champion, you would have to call an ambulance afterward since I would be dying of laughter. But here we are in 2010, and The Miz holds what many consider the WWE's most prestigious title. Now, I still do not believe that Miz deserves a championship reign despite the improvements he has made over the past five years, but at the same time, I do have to give him credit for working his way up from the bottom. In this day and age, Vince McMahon tends to be a little more schizophrenic in his booking choices. Some guys will be pushed to the moon mere months after debuting, while others toil in relative obscurity despite a wealth of talent. Some men receive a sudden push only to have it disappear just as quickly, and championships change hands at the drop of a hat. So when The Miz cashed in his Money in the Bank briefcase at the end of Raw, I will admit that at first I felt like this young (and possibly former) WWE fan, whom I'm sure many of you know as The Angry Miz Girl. She was even featured on this week's episode of Raw. I could barely contain my disappointment in WWE Creative, putting the title on a guy who is so mediocre. But over this past week, I've become increasingly conflicted in regards to this decision.
On the one hand, as I stated earlier, I have a begrudging respect for The Miz. Five years ago, everyone thought he was nothing more than a flash in the pan, a former reality TV contestant who somehow made it to TV again as some random idiot. He wasn't particularly good in the ring, and he was more annoying than entertaining on the mic. I'm sure some of you have read about all the crap he's had to put up with backstage. Hell, he even mentioned some of it on Raw, talking about how one John Bradshaw Layfield was...how shall I put it...a complete asshole to Miz during Miz's early years. But Miz never gave up on his dream. He paid his dues, he got better (both on the mic and in the ring), had a memorable tag team with John Morrison, became a two-time United States Champion, and helped put Bryan Danielson on the WWE map with a great feud earlier this year. The Miz has bucked the odds and managed to stay relevant in a company that has been stagnating for several years now. Any man who was able to live through the John Cena/HHH/Randy Orton years and end up on top of the card has my respect.
But (yes, there's a but) I still don't feel as though he's good enough to be a world champion. Sure, he's improved leaps and bounds since his debut, but I don't feel that he's as good as many other Internet Wrestling Columnists believe he is. He can be carried to a good match, but when he's doing the brunt of the work, his in-ring skills are still lacking. That isn't to say that Vince McMahon only selects the most talented of individuals to hold his top prize (Sheamus, anyone?), but there are probably a dozen or more men on the Raw roster alone who are more talented in the ring than Miz. And while he can incite a crowd with his promos, his character is very bland. Now, again, I'm not saying that every wrestler has to have a completely unique persona or character that they have to play at all times. But it would be nice if they at least made themselves stand out as an individual instead of seemingly blending in with the background. Miz basically has no character to portray. He's just some guy who happens to be the WWE Champion. Even Bryan Danielson (I refuse to call him by his ridiculously lame WWE name), who was purported to have no personality by The Miz, has a character that is drawn from his real life: he's a quiet, sort of nerdy guy who happens to also be one of the most dangerous submission specialists in the world. Miz is just...well, I guess the right word is the word I already used: bland. While he is by no means bad on the mic, he is still nothing special. He's just very...average.
It just seems (to me, at least) that the quality of performers on WWE programming has fallen so far in the past decade that someone like The Miz seems great in comparison. Of course The Miz is going to seem like a fantabulous worker when you compare him to someone like The Great Khali or Ezekiel Jackson, but he's nowhere near the capabilities of an Evan Bourne or a CM Punk (who, by the way, is now my favorite color commentator in the industry). And if you look to the indies, Miz looks downright pathetic when you compare him to individuals such as Eddie Kingston or Mike Quackenbush. Maybe if these Internet Wrestling Columnists would look outside the WWE to a promotion like CHIKARA, they'd realize that The Miz is nothing special. As I've stated, I have respect for The Miz for paying his dues and making it this far, but that doesn't mean I think he's good enough to be a WWE Champion. Then again, it isn't as though the guys most deserving of a WWE Championship reign are going to win the title any time soon.
Take from this post what you will. I will likely stay conflicted in my opinion of The Miz forever. Having respect for someone you find wholly unimpressive is a strange feeling indeed. I'm hoping he manages to impress me instead of depressing me. I've had enough depression when it comes to Vince McMahon's promotion in recent months. But I'll save that for another time.
So there you have it. Episode 1 is complete! Did you like it? Hate it? Do you wish millions of dollars to my bank account, or would you rather I was forced to clean up gorilla semen for eternity? Leave a comment or two. I appreciate all feedback. Unless you're just going to troll, in which case I'd suggest you move along. Thanks for reading, and I'll be back soon with Episode 2 of Rantables!
Nine days ago, something happened I did not think would ever happen: Mike Mizanin became a WWE Champion. A World Champion. If you had told me five years ago that he would be the WWE Champion, you would have to call an ambulance afterward since I would be dying of laughter. But here we are in 2010, and The Miz holds what many consider the WWE's most prestigious title. Now, I still do not believe that Miz deserves a championship reign despite the improvements he has made over the past five years, but at the same time, I do have to give him credit for working his way up from the bottom. In this day and age, Vince McMahon tends to be a little more schizophrenic in his booking choices. Some guys will be pushed to the moon mere months after debuting, while others toil in relative obscurity despite a wealth of talent. Some men receive a sudden push only to have it disappear just as quickly, and championships change hands at the drop of a hat. So when The Miz cashed in his Money in the Bank briefcase at the end of Raw, I will admit that at first I felt like this young (and possibly former) WWE fan, whom I'm sure many of you know as The Angry Miz Girl. She was even featured on this week's episode of Raw. I could barely contain my disappointment in WWE Creative, putting the title on a guy who is so mediocre. But over this past week, I've become increasingly conflicted in regards to this decision.
On the one hand, as I stated earlier, I have a begrudging respect for The Miz. Five years ago, everyone thought he was nothing more than a flash in the pan, a former reality TV contestant who somehow made it to TV again as some random idiot. He wasn't particularly good in the ring, and he was more annoying than entertaining on the mic. I'm sure some of you have read about all the crap he's had to put up with backstage. Hell, he even mentioned some of it on Raw, talking about how one John Bradshaw Layfield was...how shall I put it...a complete asshole to Miz during Miz's early years. But Miz never gave up on his dream. He paid his dues, he got better (both on the mic and in the ring), had a memorable tag team with John Morrison, became a two-time United States Champion, and helped put Bryan Danielson on the WWE map with a great feud earlier this year. The Miz has bucked the odds and managed to stay relevant in a company that has been stagnating for several years now. Any man who was able to live through the John Cena/HHH/Randy Orton years and end up on top of the card has my respect.
But (yes, there's a but) I still don't feel as though he's good enough to be a world champion. Sure, he's improved leaps and bounds since his debut, but I don't feel that he's as good as many other Internet Wrestling Columnists believe he is. He can be carried to a good match, but when he's doing the brunt of the work, his in-ring skills are still lacking. That isn't to say that Vince McMahon only selects the most talented of individuals to hold his top prize (Sheamus, anyone?), but there are probably a dozen or more men on the Raw roster alone who are more talented in the ring than Miz. And while he can incite a crowd with his promos, his character is very bland. Now, again, I'm not saying that every wrestler has to have a completely unique persona or character that they have to play at all times. But it would be nice if they at least made themselves stand out as an individual instead of seemingly blending in with the background. Miz basically has no character to portray. He's just some guy who happens to be the WWE Champion. Even Bryan Danielson (I refuse to call him by his ridiculously lame WWE name), who was purported to have no personality by The Miz, has a character that is drawn from his real life: he's a quiet, sort of nerdy guy who happens to also be one of the most dangerous submission specialists in the world. Miz is just...well, I guess the right word is the word I already used: bland. While he is by no means bad on the mic, he is still nothing special. He's just very...average.
It just seems (to me, at least) that the quality of performers on WWE programming has fallen so far in the past decade that someone like The Miz seems great in comparison. Of course The Miz is going to seem like a fantabulous worker when you compare him to someone like The Great Khali or Ezekiel Jackson, but he's nowhere near the capabilities of an Evan Bourne or a CM Punk (who, by the way, is now my favorite color commentator in the industry). And if you look to the indies, Miz looks downright pathetic when you compare him to individuals such as Eddie Kingston or Mike Quackenbush. Maybe if these Internet Wrestling Columnists would look outside the WWE to a promotion like CHIKARA, they'd realize that The Miz is nothing special. As I've stated, I have respect for The Miz for paying his dues and making it this far, but that doesn't mean I think he's good enough to be a WWE Champion. Then again, it isn't as though the guys most deserving of a WWE Championship reign are going to win the title any time soon.
Take from this post what you will. I will likely stay conflicted in my opinion of The Miz forever. Having respect for someone you find wholly unimpressive is a strange feeling indeed. I'm hoping he manages to impress me instead of depressing me. I've had enough depression when it comes to Vince McMahon's promotion in recent months. But I'll save that for another time.
So there you have it. Episode 1 is complete! Did you like it? Hate it? Do you wish millions of dollars to my bank account, or would you rather I was forced to clean up gorilla semen for eternity? Leave a comment or two. I appreciate all feedback. Unless you're just going to troll, in which case I'd suggest you move along. Thanks for reading, and I'll be back soon with Episode 2 of Rantables!
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